Recent Hurricane

[NateG79]

What do you mean by stating my position? I'm a little confused by that.

[Fogg]

That you wont live in an open M while she continues to have an A. Although since shes not said D yet I would be careful and not threaten it. The things you said before are your positions on the situation but wrap it up in a much smaller comment that gets your point across better.

For those of us who are threatened with D its something similar like "I don't believe in D and I'm still willing to do the work to fix this, but if D is what you want I will not stand in your way".

Whatever your position on this situation is. Its not a point of argument or a threat or to get a reaction from her, its just where you stand.

[NateG79]

Okay, so definitely letting her know I will not live in an open marriage. No threats of divorce since she's not mentioned it.....yet. But what's my backup statement to that. What's the repercussions of that

[sandi2]

That's just it, you tell her you won't live in an open M. So, if she continues her affair, the monkey is on your back. I have seen a lot of LBH'S use, "I will not live in an open M", and then when the WW didn't blink an eye and continued the A, he would want to back pedal out of what he told her. They thought telling her they wouldn't live in an open M, would shake sence into her and end the A. It didn't, and then the men didn't want to do what they said they would do.

If you tell her anything, you have to back it up or you place yourself in a worse position. The WW is likely to test what you say.

[NateG79]

Thanks sandi. And that's exactly what I was getting at. I know this is the divorce busting site, and I know that my coach wouldn't necessarily agree with the decision but, my follow through would be to file. Look, she's done this 3 times in our 10 year history. She had bad coping skills. And every time it all falls apart. I always have been there to pick her up. Maybe it's just really time to not be her safety net anymore. I'm tired of her stepping out when things get hard.

[NateG79]

This is gonna be a long day

[Fogg]

Don't feel like you need to have this talk today. It can always be put off until later, make sure you have a game plan and don't just wing it. Your coach would know best, follow their advice.

[NateG79]

We've been putting off any talks of anything. She's been complaining that we haven't had any communication, most because she's still somewhat involved in the affair, and I have yet to confront her on the fact that I do know it's continuing. I definitely feel the elephant in the room has to be addressed, otherwise she'll string me along indefinitely. At least for my sanity sake, she had to know I know everything

[NateG79]

Nerves are getting to me.

[trumpet]

NateG79,

Fogg is telling you to not force the issue. What does another day do in the big picture? Not much, most likely.

I'm impatient, just like you. Want to see change NOW. I told my wife I would not live in an open relationship. I never wanted to D, but the wife has talked about it in the past, so she's used that as a way to get a reaction out of me.

It sounds like your W wants at least a relationship, and isn't into spewing hatred at you. I'd take that to the bank. Once my wife started wanting to actually be in the same room as me, I wanted to lay it all on the table. She just wasn't ready, and won't be for a while. Just make the deposit into her bank, and then flip the switch back to you. You need to have some concrete under your feet when you make your case, not quicksand. You need enough intestinal fortitude to stand up to her attacks on you when you present your case.