I would love to see you talk to you psychiatrist or counsellor. Access to money and transportation should be no reason for you not being able to access help and support. If you were in NZ I would know exactly what I would do. Judy there are a million women on this planet who are experiencing what you are going through. They are living in fear due to their H's behaviours, they are depressed and mentally vulnerable for every reason there could be and they are struggling to find safety and certainity in world that supports those who have access to financial resources.
Judy if I was you I would be calling in the calvary. Not because you are currently crazy or psychotic, I don't believe for a minute that you are. Are your physically and mentally exhausted absolutely, and this is a reasonable response to warzone conditions.
The shame, the struggle and powerlessness is building because you are internalizing all the responsibility for your sitch. And I don't just mean with H. For the view your children have of you, for not being able to take more action and a whole lot more. That is a burden and it needs to be put down. Part of getting out of this rut is to release the burden of the shame. Externalize it.
How would you rationalise this sitch to me if I was in your shoes? This is what needs to be done. For right now it is about finding the most rational explanation for your sitch that isn't your fault or responsibility. Something that will get you through the next 24 hours.
The next thing Judy, if family aren't an option, then we need to rattle some professional cages, by any means necessary. When family members won't step up you build your resources where you can.
Small steps Judy:
Pc to Psychiatrist - appointment asap. Discussion of family/domestic violence from H. That should raise alarm bells for them.
Social Work outreach support to your home needed as you don't have transport to visit an office based social worker.
If there is a woman's group that is being run you want to access it.
Social worker needs to be supporting you to access sickness benefit (I don't know what you call it in the US, but I would be getting all the paper work done asap) In NZ you can apply online and get an appointment. As I social worker I would be picking you up and taking you to the appointment.
There must be social service support like this through you Psychiatrist or GP or local Refuge. Judy here in NZ your situation would meet a threshold for a protection order.
Is there anyway of lawyer building into the plan that you stay in the family home until your physical and mental health stablise. I have seen this done in NZ.
It pains me so much that as people experiencing mental illness that we feel the judgement and stigma so much that it stops us seeking the help and support we need. Makes me angry.
I remember for a time that the only healing emotion I had was anger. Instead of all the pain I was experiencing I suddenly got very angry, it was a motivating feeling because I was just plain f**ked off that everyone was getting something out of me being unwell but me. The anger forced me to making some different choices to help myself, where as feeling sad and powerless kept me stuck in the emotions.
Judy I was on a emotional rollercoster for months in the beginning , no one could pick my moods, people didn't know if I was going to cry at any moment or lose the plot with anger. I made the decision not to care, because it was taking everything in me to get up and out of bed every day. I decided to ride the crazy train all the way to the station. I owned the crazy lady title there for a while. Yip I'm not well right now, you are right, I'm finding this really hard. I need to prioritise myself in order to be well. Don't hide this Judy, you have nothing to be ashamed of.
You just happen to be one of millions of people whose brain chemistry and environmental factors and likely some genetic predisposition collided to make you crazy when stress comes to town.
Ride the wave Judy. You know for every down there is an up, universal principal. Your posts and kindness got me through a tough week last week. Have faith Judy this will pass.
