Wow, Jelly. You called it exactly right. I am basically completely on my own here, doing it all by myself. I need to get into counseling, badly, but H is holding me somewhat hostage on this front by refusing to give me funds to go, and by refusing to pay to get my car out of the shop.
We have an emergency hearing on the 6th of January to address those issues. I just have to remain sane until then. Locking myself in my room all day so that I avoid H is doing little to help maintain my PMA. My GAL right now is literally this board. How sad is that? Well, in truth, I am so thankful for this board that sometimes I cry. I am, quite literally, alone.
My kids cannot take any more, nor should they have to deal with the deterioration of their mother's emotional health. Between the drama of things I've done myself, things H has done to me, my poor kids are overwhelmed. I've humiliated them with the entire car-crashing episode and the fact that I wound up first in mental care, and then in jail, thanks to H and his buddy. When my mugshot made the evening news, I think their humiliation was complete. At the moment, all the kids are frustrated with me for one reason or the other. I didn't handle my world falling apart very well, and they are old enough to pick me apart and find fault. I'm trying to repair my relationships with them, but I'm determined to leave them out of things from now on.
I've not been "myself" in months - they just don't know what to do, and I can't bring myself to put them through any more. I have two brothers. One lives near, but I cannot even look at him right now because he recently left his wife of 23 years for a newer, younger model in pursuit of happiness. I believe his actions led my husband (partly) to consider the same route. My other brother lives so far away, and has for years, that we've not really been close in years.
I had one cousin I used to be extraordinarily close to - but he's sided with H. That betrayal has cut me so deeply, I'm afraid to reach out to anyone else. This didn't come out of the blue. H and my cousin have been close for over 20 years. My cousin is one of those people who believe you can think yourself well - basically, I'm lazy and could easily overcome my health challenges if I just wanted to badly enough.
My mother is supportive, and always there when I call, but she is in her 70's and is dealing with a difficult H of her own. I will probably have to go live with them, which honestly, fills my heart with dread. I love my mother. I don't care much for her husband. I suppose I should be happy I have somewhere to land, even though it's hours away from here. But, oh! I feel like my punishment can't get any worse, to be forced to have to go live with her H. Everytime I think about it, I cry.
We've moved so frequently over the years, in support of my H's career, that I just got tired of making new friends. I do have a few that I know I could call - we've stayed in touch over the years - but they live so far away, and I just cannot deal with having to tell them about H and what he's done. I know I would get sympathy, but with them being so far away, I would get very little in the way of practical support, and it just seems like it would rip open a wound I'm just starting to heal.
I suppose the fact that I'm so isolated and alone is the reason I'm feeling so despondent and hopeless. I know it's not good for me - as social as I am - to be so isolated. I just have no idea how to correct the problem at present. H had turned any of our mutual friends completely against me with the lies he's been spreading around for the past few years. I had no idea he was doing this until recently. I realize now what a huge mistake it was to devote my life so completely to his - but at the time I thought I was being a great, supportive wife. I never saw this coming!
Being physically ill, financially helpless, and facing homelessness soon feels like more than I can handle in addition to the complete abandonment and rejection H has put me through. I know I didn't do anything bad enough to deserve this. I feel like I'm being punished for some sin I never even knew I committed. Yes. I'm despairing.
It is taking all I have to put on a happy face for my kids here at home. They certainly do not understand what I go through with the mental aspect. I've come apart right in front of them, and they wonder why I can't control myself. How do you explain mental illness to 19 year old boys who are under the influence of their father?
I think in writing this out to you, I've realized how very important it is that I schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist at once. I'm fooling around with something really serious, something that I've already shown I do not know how to manage completely. My preferred method is "white-knuckling" it. That works, mostly, for normal stress - but not the kind I've been experiencing.
I hate talking about it to most people. It's embarrassing, and I feel so very damaged and ashamed with the "mental illness" label. I am beyond thankful that I can talk about this with you and V. You two have shown such understanding and compassion that it's literally brought me to tears on more than one occasion.
Honestly, no one on this board has ever made me feel badly about what I struggle with, but it's rare for me to be honest about the extent that I actually do struggle. I can always tell when someone doesn't quite understand. I can order my mind around all I please, but there are times I have no control over what is going on in there at all. How can I explain that to people, and not have them think I'm a certified crazy person?
With the heart palpitations and fear of what is happening with that, the fear that H will have me thrown in the street, the dread of having to go live with my mother because I literally have no where else to go. I'b beginning to see why I'm so full of despair and wishing I would just die. It's all too much, isn't it? So your point of breaking it down into tiny little parts makes so much sense. I need to get out from under H's thumb and start with a psychiatrist and counselor. I think that is step one.
Thanks for being here for me, Jelly. I'm struggling and ashamed because I am. I literally do not know what to do. I need a miracle, but feel like I've been abandoned by ALL. I'm not crying right now, because that lovely numbness is still in place, but I am seriously worried about what is going to happen when it wears off!
