Hello, dear Jelly! I'm just checking in to see how you're doing. You sound a bit more upbeat than you did earlier. I'm really having a struggle myself lately - there is so much about me I'm longing to fix, I don't even know where to begin! How does one prioritize where to begin when contemplating the repair of a hot mess, which describes me perfectly at this time.
You seem to be moving onward and upward, and I kind of feel like I'm stuck in place. How to get out of this ditch I'm currently stuck in? I talked with you about the importance of losing weight, yes I've changed not one thing. I almost feel frozen by the sheer number of things about myself I would dearly love to change!
Did you ever suffer a similar feeling? If so, where did you start? Do you have any insight for me?
Dear lovely Judy,
When I arrived here on the boards 5 months after BD and in the midst of recovering from a major mental health breakdown (I didn't know that at the time Judy) I made the decision that while Mr Ex was still in the forefront I my mind there was no way he was going to consider me anything other than crazy, while I was still crying at the drop of hat, managing panic attacks and a whole raft of other symptoms - lacking concentration, poor memory, sleep deprivation, constant thoughts of suicide.
I made the decision that I had to be well before I dealt with anything else. I made the decision to remain in my sisters home, I couldn't live alone at the time nor could I have lived with other people, who were not family. All I did from March through to May was go to work, come home eat well, go to therapy and have one GAL activity on the weekend and attempt to exercise three times per week. That was all I could manage Judy. There was one other goal and that was to remedy the hole that was in my stomach from my eroding gastric band, and see if I could lose some more weight.
So I made my goals really small: Going to work everyday for a week - check
Getting to the gym for my personal training sessions and another session during the week- check
Save $500 from every pay for plastic surgery - check
Text one friend every week to make arrangements for the weekend. check
Do my chores - check
Therapy once per week and then once per fortnight - check
This was my life from Feb-May 2015.
And then I had my op - I was fortunate in some bizarre way Judy that I got a major infection that took me out of the world for two months. I believe that while I was healing from the major infection I was actually healing my mind too. A major health crisis made me priortise myself. I walked away with knowing, that all any one of has at the end of the day is their health. If you're not healthy, your not going to be on the planet, long enough to love anyone, be in a relationship with anyone.
From October 2014 to May 2015 I had regular thoughts of suicide, and a desire not to live in this kind of pain any longer and then suddenly my life was at risk with this infection. There was also physical pain, which I have to say Judy was a welcome relief and distraction from the emotional pain. But I was left in somewhat of a quandary, did I really want a healthy happy body and life , or would I be more grateful for this infection running it's course. The desire to live is quite strong I believe. I think I recognised that I was more over the pain than I was over living my life.
When I was doing the life and death navel gazing Judy, there was little room for Mr Ex. I realised that his choice to absence himself from my life and to move on with a new partner he met three months after BD drop meant that in all honesty, he was worth little more of my time and consideration. I can say as 1. We were never married 2. We didn't have children and 3. He was fool to let me go.
So the illness was a blessing. I was forced to be quiet, to rest and to be still. I was in so much physical pain there was no room for emotional pain and this was a relief. I had the space I needed.
I guess what I am getting at Judy, is you can't do all this at once. You need to choose a few things that you can do on a regular basis and do them to the best of your ability. There is no room for H in your recovery. Recovery from a significant mental health episode I believe it like the addict choosing their sobriety one day at time. There is no room for distraction of other people's needs and wants because the only priority is you.
H is cycling through drama and abuse right now in an attempt to maintain control. Your physical safety is first and then your emotional and mental safety. Your plans right now Judy are not your weight and it's not GAL and it's not 180's. Your plans right now are about survival. My sense about you Judy that you are trying to do everything that you achieving very little. Some days I feel this desire to get on a plane and come sort it all out, because it would take very little, all it needs is co-ordination. It frustrates me that you appear to have few supports. These need to be concretized, people provided with roles and responsibilities for supporting you to keep yourself safe. I have may read this wrong.
Judy I never heard you mention talking therapy or counselling support. I don't know what your health care team is like, and apart from you lawyer I don't know who is supporting your to create physical and mental safety. But from the outside (and I am saying this as a professional- they need to pull their fingers out- and do their jobs) or are you trying to do it all on your own?
Judy of any one on this board, I understand the place you stand, the childhood abuse, the weight, the mental health, the abuse from H. I appreciate all of it. And I know now is not the time to attempt to be super woman trying to do everything. Small steps and small goals and let other people help you.
Maybe I have I been too harsh in my words and tone. I hope not because I would never want to be another bully in your life. That would break my heart. I just want you to do less with more focus. And I want you physically and mentally safe.
Please keep posting to me. If I can help I will, if I can't I offer you love and support. Take care Judy
