I had these same thoughts. "If only I could understand, I could accept it better" or "... I could move on" or ".... I could do something." Blah blah blah.
I had all of those thoughts. What I have come to learn is that you don't need any of it. The fact that you want it is b/c we (LBS) are holding on to something to try and rationalize something that is quite possibly not rationalize-able.
To Zues's point... They have no idea what they are doing. In many cases they are so tied up in their own interoperation of thoughts, feelings, etc that they are confused and flying by their gut. In other cases with an OP they are in full limerence, and are then a kid with a drug.
My vote. Tell yourself this isn't a realization I NEED, it is something my old brain WANTS to try to figure out a situation I will not fully understand. Nor do I need to. What I need to do is GAL, 180 and Detach.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
I had the entire letter drafted in my head. And all of you are correct - it would have been a disaster to send it. I would have wound up insulting H, because so many of my questions are tied up with how he could stop being such a wonderful father, full of integrity, and choose to become a selfish butthead. My words were different, of course, but the message was the same.
I'm really beginning to "see" some things differently. I'm so glad I posted here first this time instead of acting on impulse. Usually, it's the other way around, and look where that's gotten me!
There really isn't an explanation H could give me that would help me come to grips with this. I just have to accept old H is gone, and I want nothing to do with new H. That's really the bottom line. New H wishes me harm, and sees no harm in abusing me and causing me extreme stress. He's been with me on enough hospital stays, ER visits, doctor visits to know that the stress is killing me. He just doesn't really care.
I find it so hard to understand how this man who once loved me so fiercely, now seems to care less if I live or die. I get the feeling his life would be made so much simpler if I did die. Therefore, I need to do all I can to make sure I don't give him what he wants. My kids are going to need me.
Today was a day for tough realizations. Necessary - but tough, nonetheless.
I posted to you on my thread, in response to your post yesterday.
Sweet Judy, for what little experience I have and for what it is worth. There is nothing my Mr Ex could explain to me that would allow me to understand the the unexplainable and inexcusable. You Mr EX walked out on our commitment, without effort, without love, without discussion, and without regard for me and us. The action speaks for itself.
Whatever reconnection or reconciliation that Mr Ex may or may not want in the future, means that I have to come to terms with this explanation. And that means I say where and when and if he ever gets a second chance. I can tell you now, bloody unlikely!
I understand your health ain't so good, but can you gal? Take up something like sketching/painting? What about photography,? Join a book club? A women's group?
Can you work on your relationships with friends family and kids, have you got grandchildren? Work on growing, some more. You come across as a selfless, warmhearted, family woman, kind, thoughtful, with a wicked sense of humour.
May your God bless your family this Xmas.
Xx
Last edited by isittoolate; 12/21/1508:47 AM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
I am going to make a suggestion to you as you are currently housebound. I am going to ask you to write your life story as if it were a novel.
You can do this on your tablet or laptop.
Pick a chapter that's easy, your student days, or the relaxed days of your family life. Then write and write and write.
I would like you to do this in a particular way, as if in the third person. As in Anc said x then did y she felt w. Outline a sketch of it. Then pick a part and write until your arms ache.
It doesn't have to be perfect and it's for home consumption. It can be short or long, ignore grammar, punctuation, concentrate on meaning. It can be edited later. You don't have to keep it.
It's your story, put down the good stuff, the bad stuff, the happy stuff, the sad stuff.
You write beautifully, your description of the court was vivid and three dimensional, I walked those stone corridors with you, I could be there because of your writing. Your descriptions are wonderful and full of life.
There is a tendency when we go through this to see only the current memories, they loom large, we imagine the present position continues forever. It's like investors always think the stock market travels in the direction it's going. Down, it will always go down, up it will always boom. It's nonsense and the underlying value of most companies remains as it is irrespective of how others see it. If your house is a home, it doesn't matter there is a recession. Do you know it's best to move house up market in a recession and down market in a boom? But most people hang on to maximise the current value of their home when moving up market. DUH!
You are a whole person, you have survived much and thrived through a great deal to bring some wonderful children into the world. You are more than your current sitch.
If you were nearer you could live and work with me, I would have you here in a jiffy. I am not the only one.
I agree with Jellyb and her remarks on her thread. A STHM or STHF contributes to the home and has a share in the value of the assets built. A share in the pensions, an equal share, they make it possible for their partner to provide without the stress of home making. This has a value, and it's yours. You have worked hard for that value, it is your legal entitlement on D for your share. Your L is a strong ally in this.
Mustardseed is fighting for her share, I wished I had been less wrapped in my sitch and I might have spotted it sooner with her WH.
They are of a type these WH and WW who believe they should get everything.
Anc, whilst you wait and January 6 isn't too far away, there is work to do in healing. You are other than crazy, well no more than the rest of us.
Box of frogs!
Hugs
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/21/1505:11 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I was thinking about you and I posted to PP. Realised I hadn't shared how I overcame my own crazy town moments.
There is a technique called context reframing, it might help with the car incident and the associated shame and guilt. Which incidentally can be released.
Judy, I have nothing to add that hasn't been said, stay strong, you are not going to get an answer from H that can justify this. Because there is no acceptable answer.
I like Vanilla's suggestion of writing your autobiography. I would love to read that.
I hope you are having a good day and finding some peace. I am busy today shuttling kids back and forth and have a brisket in the crockpot that is making my house smell amazing. Except for my ocd vegetarian daughter who is making nonstop comments about the dead animal smell and gagging noises and trying to ruin the yumminess. Are you ready for Christmas? Where do you think we will all be this time next year? I think 2016 will be a big turning point for a lot of us. Definitely for you.
