I had the entire letter drafted in my head. And all of you are correct - it would have been a disaster to send it. I would have wound up insulting H, because so many of my questions are tied up with how he could stop being such a wonderful father, full of integrity, and choose to become a selfish butthead. My words were different, of course, but the message was the same.
I'm really beginning to "see" some things differently. I'm so glad I posted here first this time instead of acting on impulse. Usually, it's the other way around, and look where that's gotten me!
There really isn't an explanation H could give me that would help me come to grips with this. I just have to accept old H is gone, and I want nothing to do with new H. That's really the bottom line. New H wishes me harm, and sees no harm in abusing me and causing me extreme stress. He's been with me on enough hospital stays, ER visits, doctor visits to know that the stress is killing me. He just doesn't really care.
I find it so hard to understand how this man who once loved me so fiercely, now seems to care less if I live or die. I get the feeling his life would be made so much simpler if I did die. Therefore, I need to do all I can to make sure I don't give him what he wants. My kids are going to need me.
Today was a day for tough realizations. Necessary - but tough, nonetheless.
