Recent Hurricane

[NateG79]

I definitely know she can't be trusted. I'm trying to be loving from a distance. My finances are protected, they're all separated. Child we have to share. That's been at the recommendation of my coach. My coach has also told me just to validate her feelings during texts. She doesn't typically call or text at night. Almost always during the day. When she caked to say goodnight to my daughter the other night, is when she mentioned the R talk. I'm not sure what needs to be discussed. She still shows me flashes of anger sometimes. And lashing out

[NateG79]

*sigh*
Okay. I screwed up. Big time tonight. It all started when my WW had asked if I could bring the Play Pen to her house so that my daughter could sleep easier. I was heading that direction anyways, and I got everything together and headed over there before going out with some friends. As I walked up, I heard my WW on the phone outside the door. I stopped, and I heard some of the conversation. I heard her patronize some of the things I had requested of her for our Christmas Day arrangements. And it sounded like she was discussing divorce with OM. I got VERY emotional. When she hung up the phone, I knocked on the door. I went in, intially very calm and gave her the play pen, and almost made it out of the house.

At the last second, I turned and said something really mean. I said "If you're going to talk *#$% about me , at least do it to my face." She stated that she wasn't talking crap about me. I didn't believe her. I got angry, I slammed her door, and walked away. I scared my D2, and my WW. She texted me and blasted me for the whole event. I apologized and validated as much as I could. We had kind of a hashing out by text, I called her out about her continued affair with OM. She told me she would talk to me again soon. Turns out she was talking with her mom. I feel really bad about flying off the handle. I shouldn't have done it. I know that she doesn't like me getting angry like that.

This week has been a roller coaster and my emotions got the best of me today. I really feel like I took huge steps back. I feel so bad, and so ashamed of myself about reversing the work I'd done so far. I feel so bad. I don't know what to do. I feel like I cost all the work I'd put in so far.

[NateG79]

Ugh, still reeling from last night, any thoughts?

[sandi2]

You have to mark it down as a lesson learned. If it prevents you from repeating the same mistake, then it is a valuable lesson.

Maybe she was talking to her mom, maybe not. Either way, she was still talking sh't about you. She got caught, so she had to make you feel bad about it.......therefore she "claims" she was talking to her mom.

Take a deep breath, let go of last night, and put one foot in front of the other.

[NateG79]

Thanks sandi. She played the victim card a lot last night. Said we will talk soon, says things like "our relationship won't be roses and rainbows", and continued to victimize herself. She didnn't back pedal until I told her I knew she lied when she said she split it off with OM. Claims she can't talk to me, and she feels she's been ignored. Lot of moving goal posts. Won't take responsibility for her party in the downfall of the marriage, only that she betrayed me because neglected her. We were both neglected.

Edit: she actually was talking to mil, the mil called me 5 minutes after I exploded and asked why I freaked out over their conversation

[sandi2]

The WW cannot be trusted. She will twist things. She will turn it around and blame you. Parents will even support their WW daughter, b/c she is their flesh & blood. So, be careful and believe nothing at this point.

[NateG79]

She wants to talk again at some point, but I don't think talking will accomplish anything while she's still talking to OM. She's definitely twisting things. It's very nasty. I dread talking to her because it seems she's just making decisions on emotions alone. It's hard to be lovingly detached, and I hate limbo. I know it takes time, but, geez.

[Fogg]

Just caught up on your sitch NateG. Wanted to thank you a while back for those songs on my thread also, I really liked the second you posted.

First thing, I love the comments by SM34 earlier in your thread. Very good stuff. I'm surprised I haven't read more by him in the past as his comments are very similiar to what I've been doing in my sitch. Follow your coaches advice the best you can, they are the professionals. Many of us on here will have opinions, some will work better for your stich than others. You just have to realize what works for one person may not work for the next. We all offer the opinions of what has worked for us in the hopes it might help another. While there are alot of similarities and general things to avoid your path may involve something different. One persons most effective thing to do is back off and go dark while it would be a disaster for another.

I've had some recommendations from my coach that seemed to go against much of what the forum advised but I felt it was the right thing to do at the time. Just remember at the end of the day whatever advice you follow will have effects on your stich that you will have to live with.

This may be the hardest thing in life you will ever have to experience and I can see you will struggle with patience and not reacting to her through anger. You made an assumption she was talking to OM and reacted to it. Not the best thing to do, you knew that already. Regardless of how angry we get in these situations we cant let it define our actions. Running on emotions and letting it control us will not help you in any situation with her. You said she doesn't like when you get angry, meaning this is something you should be working on. The WAS has two core beliefs that support their mindset to walk away. The first is that they know you intimately and the other is they don't believe you will ever change. Seeing you angry only supports her decision that D is whats best for everything. Its something that drives her toward it.

Do some reading on OM and get that out of your system. Don't let it take up any space in your mind. She may be deeply in love with him right now, or believe she is. Only time will tell if that's true or not and its nothing you can control anyway. You have the space and time to work on the issues that led to your M breaking down. She had her role in things, but that's for her to figure out. Right now you have yours.

If you don't believe in D or want a D, then don't file for D because your angry at her right now because of OM. Feelings change all the time, don't make decisions based on what your feeling today.

[NateG79]

Thanks Fogg.
So just to catch up. Tonight, WW asked me when I got off work if I would come over to spend time with D2 since she's been asking for me. I went over, it was....pleasant enough. We had small chit chat, she made dinner, and I stayed and ate. I left when it was time for my D2 to take a bath. I came home, watched some football, cleaned up the house a little. Got several texts from W saying how D2 kept finding some video on youtube that was not appropriate even though the filter was on. Didn't pay it much attention.

She texted me when it was time for D2 to go down to bed, so I called, did our goodnight routine, and then said goodnight. I then told W that we did indeed need to talk, since we haven't really had much conversation since the move out. She said that maybe we should, to see where we are.

My thoughts on this, is that I'm going to address the elephant in the room. I'm going to let her know that I know of her continued A with OM, that I know who he is, and that I will not be party to allow her to try to control me while she continues it. I will calmly let her know that our interactions will continue as they have been 'til now (she's complained that I'm very cold and distant and I don't pay attention to her when she's around) because I will not show her tenderness while she continues the A and disrespects me.

I will let her know that I'm not okay with just being a possible Plan B if things don't work out w/him (I highly doubt they will, he has too much to lose). I will let her know that I have essentially dropped the rope, and I will not be a pawn in her game. I will not wait for her indefinitely to figure out what she wants. I will do things to move on with my life with or without her. If she begins to spew, and get angry at me, I'll validate her feelings, let her know that I will not be disrespected in that way, and calmly remove myself from the conversation.

I'll also let her know that, if at all possible I still would like to try and work together on forgiveness, and maybe piece ourselves back together, but whatever decision she makes will be fine with me. Any thoughts on this?

[Fogg]

You're saying way too much and many of the comments you do have will only be taken in the wrong way and she will react defensively. That will cause you to react and it will likely turn sour. I've been told in the past saying less is much better and more effective than saying more. Even if you don't think its enough or they listened, it turns out they do and it works so much better. I've yet to learn how to do it in my posts to others on this forum.

You don't need to argue these points or what shes saying. State your position and if needed give one instance to support it and then move on. The more you try to defend yourself the more reactive the situation gets and the less each of you really listen. ('The Solo Partner' is the book where I learned to break that reactive cycle, highly recommend).

This is a perfect opportunity to state your position in a way that shows her you are not the same man. Yes, her A is going to cloud her judgement and may not change anything but you can still work on you during it. You have a coach, what do you think they would advise you doing?