Adventures of PP, Woofie, and the WAW (9)

[PigPen]

I wish I could get good at what Mutatio is suggesting. I'm still somewhat stuck in the cycle of reacting. I'm working hard to get beyond that. I've accepted nothing is going to change the current course. I've got to get better at stopping behavior that locks and bolts the door permanently.

My H is abusive now, no question. He wasn't always this way. As a matter of fact, until this life overhaul, he was the most gentle man I'd ever known. That's part of the reason I'm convinced something has happened to him.

I had a thought the other day, not that I expect him to listen to me, but he started testosterone supplements through the doctor this year. The increasing dosage seems to correlate strongly with his changing personality. Could it be a blend of T supplements along with MLC? I'm really starting to wonder...

To get good at what Mutatio is suggesting Judy is a practice. A daily practice. A situation by situation practice.

I can't play the guitar but I wish that I could play as well as others. I know I can't play because twice a year when I pick it up to see if I've gotten better at I'm always disappointed by the outcome.

If you're not a mediator, there is nothing that will better prepare you to be unreactive than the practice of meditating. Just 5 minutes a day will sow the seeds. Imagine if I'd played the guitar for just 5 minutes a day for the last 5 years, I'd definitely have a better grasp on it than I do.

Sounds like the hormone levels in your H could be a correlate here, but it may not be the cause. I know a lot of men on T and they're still leading normal lives. It may have brought your H out of a low level depression, but you are correct it may also be the catalyst for a lot of his anger.

Keep the focus on you here, entirely on you. Another practice that goes hand in hand with DB'ing is "letting go". This morning I was reminded again that WHY my W doesn't want to be with me right now is still irrelevant - she just doesn't want to be with me. She could be telling me the truth, lying, or not know herself. Obsessing or trying to figure out why she's this way won't get me anywhere as the answer will most likely change or I am reacting to false information. All I can do is focus on me.

Keep working the DB principles, keep taking care of yourself and letting your H do his own thing. Develop a practice of mindfulness and a practice of letting go and your whole situation will change.

PP