You guys are absolutely not going to believe this...I'm having trouble with it myself. I woke up today, after having what seemed liked endless hours of the strangest dreams I've ever had. I was shaky, groggy, and having huge trouble concentrating.
When I finally got myself all the way out of bed, it was only to discover that I had slept straight through 2 entire days! Who does that?!?
I know I've been exhausted and sick. Maybe it all just finally caught up with me. I wish I felt refreshed. I just feel defeated and tired. The holidays are definitely adding to the strain. The funny thing is H kept texting me, and I kept ignoring him as per plan - but it was because I was unaware of anything going on in the world outside that deep and dream-filled sleep! So, in a way - huge progress was made. No response from me - he's finally beginning to feel life without me in it.
I have dropped the rope. It just sux that I had to be completely crushed before I could do it. Mentally, emotionally, and physically - there isn't much of me left. But there is a tiny little "Judy" ember to begin rebuilding with. I know who I am, and who I want to be. I guess that's a good start.
I'm going to catch up on threads tonight. I have a feeling I've missed a lot!
I am really struggling with a recurring thought today. I keep thinking I would have more peace if I could just understand what H sees is going to be so much better at so high a cost. I want him to explain to me how his happiness is worth permanently scarring our five children. He was always a great dad. He would never have caused them harm under any circumstance. Yet, suddenly, he's okay with landing them a wound that will never, ever heal?
What does he foresee in his life that is going to be worth the cost of causing such a wound to the kids and leaving a wife who is going to struggle, mightily, until something changes? I want to write him a letter so badly, letting him know I don't understand.
At the same time, I'm thinking it might be a really, really bad idea which will equal pressure in some way. I just don't understand and desperately want to.
What do you guys think?Thoughts? Yes? No? Why or why not?
Wow. Hope your body is rested after 2 nights, even if you don't feel like it.
Maybe you could write the letter but not send it?
At this point in time, your H doesn't sound like he's gong to give you the answers that you need.
There are so many whys I want to ask the X but I know I will just have to accept the fact that closure, like forgiveness, is something that only I can give myself.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Hi judy. Glad to see you are back after your little nap, lol. Tbh, I doubt that your H can tell you ugh of anything. You will get spew. And bs and it's all your fault and that time he had a flat tire, well that was you too. You may find out that you caused climate change. It's amazing what lbs have done.
I like grl idea of writing it, but not delivering it. You can burn it as a symbolic gesture of giving it to God. Sometimes that helps.
We will never really understand. We aren't wired in the way of quitting.
Hope you have a great day
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Hey Ancaire, good for you for being you. I know I'm not 'normal' in some senses...I get a bit manic. Before I was on low dose meds I would be up half the night, writing, studying, rehearsing meeting presentations, whatever. I'd get going like a runaway train...then I'd have some really hard times too, truly low, the kind of low that most people thankfully don't know. I've learned a few things and have come a ways since then, but still...I'm not your average bear. I appreciate you speaking so openly about this because it helps us bust the myth of everyone else being 'normal'. I like the fact that you are tormented a bit by these things. To me it means I can trust you because you care, whereas most people apparently don't.
Yeah, sending the letter would be a disaster. But obsessing about the question, that's all good. See my post on my thread about obsessing.
Just remember that WAH has no clue why he's doing what he's doing. He's not thinking ahead. He's like a kid that is selling candy bars for his school, and he decides to eat all of the candy bars and spend the money he had already collected at the arcade. Why did he do this? Well...he likes candy, and he likes the arcade. Does it occur to him that he'll get in fierce trouble, that he can't keep something like that a secret, that the consequences aren't worth it and he'll regret his decision? No, because he's a kid. Well, WAH is like that. He's just a stupid kid. One that instead of costing his parents $25 in candy bars, will instead destroy a family.
The only thing that keeps me from going crazy is looking in the mirror. There are many things I 'should' do that I don't, and many things that I 'shouldn't' do that I do. I am not perfect. And while I still feel like the world is divided into 'committeds' and 'family destroyers', I know this isn't rational. We are all flawed. Some people drive drunk. Some people drink excessively. Whatever.
So keep stewing on it, keep talking about it until you find peace, but yeah, leave him out of it
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Wow 2 days of sleep. Yes, your body obviously needed it. Please take care of yourself.
Yes it really su*ks that your H is not there to take care of you when you needed him the most. I totally felt that way too, but funny thing is that once he left a I actually started feeling better physically after a while. The stress of walking on eggshells was unbearable and then that lifted. I'm constantly told how much better I look. Now emotionally, that is another story. I still have really bad days.
I think when you get out on your own and don't have the daily stress of having to deal with your H, you will improve healthwise.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
