Zues you are amazing. Julie, listen to Zues. I wish I had more to add, but I was on a really good advice/support streak a few weeks ago and now it seems like I have nothing useful to add except for hang in there! and you go girl! My heart is with you.
My son (the one I struggled so much with in his earliers years). Took a card from our card box and wrote "I love mom". He also took a leftover waffle put it on a plate, cut it in 4 and poured syrup on it for me to have breakfast this morning. Told me we are having a birthday celebration (it is not my birthday). They are coloring erasers to put it gift bags. They are 5. They are awesome. How can anyone give that up?
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Julie, that is the exact question I struggle with every day. My daughter is tough, I can see why H has "given up" with her ( I haven't given up and I won't, but I can see his point) but my sons are amazing. They say the funniest things, right now one of them is playing star wars music on the piano and the other is running through the house with a group of friends and boasting about various feats of strength and life saving skills. These boys deserve stability and love and a family. They are literally bundles of joy and life and innocence. Who could create this and then just walk away?
I have both daughters and sons. I have to say that raising the boys was far easier than raising the girls. I would never have believed that prior to becoming a mother. I was convinced that females are the more logical and far easier to raise...ha!
I love my boys. I love my girls. I love the adults they've all become. I suppose I should be grateful that H waited until they were all grown to jump ship and swim away. Somehow, I'm not. Witnessing their pain now, even as adults, makes me so angry with him. Added to that the fact that I still don't completely understand, and I'm just a big puddle of hurt.
I did so much wrong in my marriage. I did one giant wrong in our attempt to R. I still believe nothing I did was worthy of being booted to the curb, but if given the chance, I would do everything in my power to still try and salvage things. Yes, H has become abusive - I don't understand it all. He was once the most gentle man on earth.
Julie, hang in there. This is so very important. Be watchful, be smart, work on what you can. But if you have a chance to save this M...I really, truly envy you and wish you success and happiness.
I'll keep checking in to see how it's going. Just wanted to stop by and say hello!
Julie, there is something you posted on my thread that I'd really like to discuss. Short on time right now, so I want to get back to you when I have the time to really think on it. You said if either of our H's came here, the advice they would receive would be the opposite of what would work.
I think yes, if they read Sandi's rules (sorry Sandi!) yes it would backfire. But I think if they actually posted, the vets around here would pull out the story and the truth and set them on the right path towards 180's and listening and validating and taking responsibility for themselves. So the trick would be for them to 1- get here, 2- get out of lurker mode and actually share their story, and 3- then I think we'd have a huge help in guiding them back "home."
I'd like to talk with you a little more about this, not about luring our H's to this site, because I am not about to direct H anywhere, I have accepted that he is on his own journey and I don't point him towards articles, books, websites, haven't since about one week post BD (figured that one out on my own pretty quickly,lol) . But I'd still like to chat and flush out the differences, in the hopes that maybe we could point some future waywards on the right path, and maybe just help each other get our minds wrapped around things better. It is an interesting topic.
Just realize guys, the 37 rules were aimed at LBS's. WAS's would get much different advice as they would have much different problems. Instead of 'how do I save my M', they are facing 'how can I live in this M'. Either way the path lies inwards, but they would not be told to use LRT.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Just realize guys, the 37 rules were aimed at LBS's. WAS's would get much different advice as they would have much different problems. Instead of 'how do I save my M', they are facing 'how can I live in this M'. Either way the path lies inwards, but they would not be told to use LRT.
Yes, Zues, but our WAH's are not on here yet, and by the time they end up here it will be because Julie and I are heading out the door and moving on with our lives. So at that point they will be the LBS. For my H, his EA is over, so he will come across as "a couple of years ago I had a brief EA but it was really so minor and my W never got over it." I went to IC and we went to MC for a whole year and I worked so hard on myself (BS) and now that my W finally found a job and is financially independent she doesn't even want to look at me, all she wants to do is talk to some guy named Zues online." See what I mean? The tables will change, BUT not really because of the history.
Sounds like you think your H is incapable of change. I bet that's what he thought about you when he gave up on the M.
Yes, he might not change, and if he does it might be too late for you to R. Just be careful about going down this road too far. Love the sinner, hate the sin. While I hate the decisions they are making they may find their way back on to a healthier path in the future. It used to torment me to think XW would become an awesome wife just in time for another guy, but after I dropped the rope I realized I hoped she did recover. I don't want to see anyone suffer. And while their actions are addiction driven, their unfulfilled needs and pain were very real, not to be dismissed.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues, thank you for your earlier comments. It is comforting to know that you were able to overcome your anger and that you wish for your wife to recover. When I feel hope and happiness for my own future, I do think that way about my husband as well. To be honest though, I would have to be happy and in love and in a great relationship before I would wish for his happiness . I guess my ego is too tied to this.
Fo lol. I could see my husband writing a post similar to that. It really is all a matter of perspective. He keeps saying all the time, "I tried for years". In hindsight I think he did, in his own way. And I wish I could go back. It is about 180s though and when I detach from him, the only thing that will save us would be if he actually pursued in a big way.
right now I have this fantasy that husband will buy me something really big on Christmas that symbolizes he is invested in our relationship. Something costly since I feel that all he cares about is the money he stands to lose (I have never cared about receiving gifts from,him or anyone. It actually receives the least points on my LL test). But I want to be pursued. I want to know I am I important and that I will be first priority. Because for a long time I have not felt that me nor our family was a priority. I know he cannot communicate with me. Supposedly I take things he says incorrectly and it leads to a fight. I am angry though and the more time that goes by, the more I villify him and possibly rewrite history. For me to now do that, I need to see that he cares. Not someone stonewalling me.
Ancaire, thanks for your post and support. I really don't know what to do anymore. I am angry and it makes it hard. Husband said he wants to give reconciliation a try but He has made no effort at all. absolutely none. A man that wants his wife and family back should be willing to out his pride on the back burner. He is the one that left and rebutted all of my attempts for reconciliation. And for all I know, he is just trying to get me to work full time so his legal expenses won't be through the roof. He made a remark about how he won't be able to reside here anymore because of child support. I am even predicitng he is looking to move out of state and justify leaving kids, by claiming its due to me and his inability to afford child support. (I should have been named Cassandra because I have an eerie way of predicting things like this). Ok let me not get upset about something that did not happen....
I do need a name change though like Fo
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Julie - I have a sneaking suspicion my H was trying to get me to work at a job I would not be able to handle for more than a week or two, just so he could go to the judge and say, "See? She can work more than part time." At the time, I would have done anything to make him happy, even if it was to my detriment. While I am not happy about the events that transpired, there is a part of me that wonders if things didn't work out exactly as they should. I would have literally killed myself physically in order to prove that I was willing to do anything to save the M. That would have harmed me for years and years down the road.
If that suspicion is indeed in your mind, then I have to caution you to be very, very careful. On the other hand, my H didn't act the way I thought an H worried about R should act. On later reflection, I was partly right. But another part that I wasn't really thinking about was just how badly our M was damaged. He just didn't feel close to me at all anymore - he'd already fired me as his wife, and was watching carefully to see if I went back to old behaviours. Of course, I did, because I was a nervous wreck and unable to relax in that atmosphere.
Just tread lightly, keep your eyes open, try not to jump to conclusions, and take it one minute at a time. Keep DBing to the best of your ability, without selling yourself out at the same time. It takes a LOT of work to repair a broken marriage.I would love to see a M restored, and would be so happy if you're able to do it.
I'll be here supporting you every step of the way.
. I guess my ego is too tied to this.