[BrightFuture]

So, more strange things happening lately. Both H and not H related. First, at the holiday party on Thursday we had a raffle for the gifts. Everyone got something. Our IT boss did great job ensuring that all of us won a prize. One of the gifts was a selfie stick. I gave it away at one of the other party at white elephant exchanges. When I bought it for that gift exchange I thought I would like to have one for me as well. I had a thought at the time that I might win it at one of the holiday parties, and if not, I would buy it for myself. So, when they were calling for a winning ticket on the selfie stick at out IT party, I was thinking that this will be me. And it was! How weird it that!

I was thinking what I wanted to do next weekend. We never celebrated Christmas, because H didn’t want to. He said that it is a religious holiday and it is way too much commercialized, so he didn’t want to participate. I was Ok with that, because I also never celebrated it, because there was no such thing when I grew up. I celebrated New Years. The way we celebrated it was a lot similar to Christmas. We put a tree and decorated it, we had a dinner and gave gifts. So, H adopted my family traditions and actually loved it.

However, if we were invited somewhere for a Christmas dinner, we would go. For example, his brother (my BIL) did this a few times, and our friends in Mexico. So, this year, I was thinking what I would do for Christmas. My sister and her family left for a week vacation. My son and his GF are going to her family gathering. So, I e-mailed my friends in Mexico asking them about their plans. I was thinking that they would probably like to come over and visit with me and we could have a dinner and a great time.

So, this is another strange thing… My Mexican GF replied to me that they actually WERE planning to come over to visit me! But, she cannot do it because of some circumstances at her work. She then tells me that they are going to have a Christmas dinner at their house, and that a couple of friends (who I know) are going to join them. And… this is another weird thing… that my H is going to be there too. And she wants me to come over…

I e-mailed her back asking to confirm with her H that they are absolutely sure that they want me there. I also asked her to find out if H knows that they are inviting me too and if that would change his plans. I told her that I didn’t want to spoil it for everybody, I would find other options for the holidays.

The e-mail I got back from her completely confused me. She said that H was supposed to go to another party, but then he met this other friend (who was at my mutual friends Christmas dinner last year) at the pool and they decided that they wanted to come over to my friends’ dinner. I was speechless… I had to read that e-mail next morning again, to make sure I got it right. The thing is that this guy is a pastor, and very religious. So, my H, known as mister Grinch in the past, wants to come over for a Christmas dinner, knowing that there will a religious connotation to it. AND… he doesn’t mind me being over there too… And… my GF is insisting that I come over…

I told her that I would have to think about this… I did… for 2 days… I’m still not 100% sure… But, I think I will go… I’m just so curious… I might be setting myself for a good deal of hurt, and this is where I need some help. I don’t want to make anything of it, except that H is being weird. I don’t want to have any expectations. I’m conditioning myself that I just want to confirm that H I used to know and love is long gone, and this H is not the guy I want anyway. I did this with my first XH. I went on the date with him after some time into the separation, and I confirmed to myself that I was DONE, I didn’t want to be with this guy. So, is this going to be another experiment? As of today, I think I can handle it. It would also be my absolutely rare chance to show H how different I am now. Not that it would probably matter anyway to him, but it would feel great to me!

Feel free to give me 2x4… I know that my other GFs would say that I’m just inflicting more pain on myself and being masochistic… I’m thinking that I’m looking for a closure… one way or another…

[job]

Bright,
If you go, you will need to keep your expectations at zero. You will need to treat your h as a long distance friend, i.e., be civil and friendly if he should interact w/you (which I know you will).

If you go, enjoy yourself and interact w/everyone. The bottom line...be yourself. Don't change the way you say or do things, just because he's there. Besides, there is always the possibility he may change his plans and not show up. Anything can happen in a week.

Take a deep breath and if you go...have fun.

[BrightFuture]

Thanks, job. I decided to go. My friends called me this morning to confirm and they were very excited to hear that I’m coming. Yes, I’m absolutely intending to be myself and have fun.

The only thing I’m trying so hard to avoid is to have my hopes up again. I don’t have any expectations. I go there, we have dinner, we talk with everybody, and I leave. But… on the back of my mind there are some thoughts… I’m kind of curious what’s changed, so H doesn’t mind to be in my company. He might change his mind and not show up, it is always a possibility. But… I doubt it. I think he will be there for dinner.

[LouR]

Hi Bright

Slightly worried for you but as long as you are happy with going then all I will say is look after yourself and your heart. If your h does go and he is all chatty and Mr Nice Guy then try not to get your hopes up as he may be just having a peek out.

I hope you have lots of fun, enjoy yourself and good luck !!

I will be thinking about you.

[bttrfly]

Hi Bright,
Listen to Job ...
Be yourself, breathe deeply, have fun and know we are all here for you. Merry Christmas xoxoxo

[ForeverYoung]

Hi Bright, I'm glad you decided to go. I understand why you'd want to "see what changed", (if anything) and don't blame you one bit.

Hopes and expectations? Pretty normal to have them, I always did. (and still do!) Honestly it's what has helped keep me keep going. If things don't turn out how we had hoped, it doesn't mean we have to crash and burn... we back up and regroup/rethink the situation. Alter our plan. You're strong enough to do this.

I have expectations that you will have a great time, and might learn a thing or two regarding H.

[BrightFuture]

Thank you Lou, bttrfly and FY for your support.

I’m slightly worried too… I know that H will be chatty/happy guy. This is just the way he normally is in a company that he attends willingly… Different story when is forced to attend a party, then he can be a bit grumpy. Not that this happened too often.

FY, you are always my best cheerleader. I think that regardless of the outcome, this trip will be good for me. Yes, I might feel pain again. But, I think that it will not be as bad as 3 years ago. And yes, I feel that I’m strong and can handle whatever this comes to. I’m still holding onto the rope, but I feel that I am ready to let it go any moment now. I want to see if there is anything left to hold on to. If not, this trip might be a catalyst for me to make a final decision.

I’m sure I will definitely learn a thing or two about H, LOL.

My friends confirmed that I can rent a small casita for a very reasonable price. I also contacted a lady who I met through my mutual friends last time I was there. She told me about the food her grandmother used to have when she was growing up. Her grandmother was from the same country I’m from. So, I’m bringing some of that food with me and we are setting a lunch time with her. She is excited! So am I!

Some update. H texted me about the money transfer on the 15th of the month, as always. He sent a couple more texts today asking about company business. I don’t even make a big deal of how often or not often he contacts me anymore. It is just business as usual.

I’m working from home today. This is why I had some time for an update. I’s been crazy busy for the last few days. A couple of people from the vacation home place, including my mutual friends, asked me to bring things for them. So, I’ve been doing some shopping…

I hope everyone has a great holiday weekend! And Merry Christmas to those who celebrate!

[BrightFuture]

Here I am, at the vacation place, staying in a rental casita. Went to my mutual friends’ house last night to drop of some stuff for today’s dinner. We had some food and drinks, and of course the conversation. Guess what… H changed his mind. Job, you are always so right, it is scary… Sometimes I’m afraid to read your posts with predictions, LOL.

H gave a lame excuse for canceling. He said that he thought it would be a casual dinner with people scattered around the room. But, since we have to seat down at the table, he doesn’t want to do that. I don’t know what he was thinking originally, he should know better that my mutual friends always do a sit down dinner with multiple courses of food.

My male mutual friend said that he is p!ssed at H. He said that he was so hopeful that H would come over and be in my company and see for himself how much different I’m now, and what I beautiful person I’m (mutual friend’s words.)

I’ve learnt a few things from my mutual friends that make me think that H is cycling very fast right now. One minute he says one thing, then changes his mind in the next minute… He is tolerant and accepting… then he is not tolerant and very judgmental…

He was at my friends’ house for dinner after he came back from my city a couple of weeks ago. He talked about our meeting and conversation. My GF said that he told her that he was caught by surprise that I asked him to sign the papers (401K and medical saving beneficiary release forms). I think I had a “dear in the headlight” look on my face. What did he expect? Then she said he was happy about our conversation regarding the condo. My male mutual friend actually thinks that H was very happy about it... H told them that we “sorted” the things out and agreed on transitioning condo to his name. Really!!? All that happened was him mentioning what he wants, kind of (was not clear to me at all, in terms of legal course of action), and that we need to have a conversation about it in detail soon. I didn’t agree to anything. All I agreed to was that we need to have that conversation, period. So, my friends were under impression that everything is a done deal.

I’m a bit confused… I’m not sure if I understood H correctly. Or, if he understood my periodic “ok”s to what he was saying as an agreement.

There were other parts of the conversation with my mutual friends that actually were a bit saddening. My male mutual friend introduced a thought that H actually never truly loved me, because in my male friend’s mind, he would not be able to do all these hurtful things to a person he loved. But H seems to have no problems with behaving like a dbug. My male friend said that he still doesn’t understand why H’s been doing what he is doing. I guess he is not that familiar with MLC, ha. Another thing he said was that H is not the best thing that happened to me, but I’m definitely the best thing that ever happened and could happen to H, he will NOT find anybody better. This was comforting… Especially after other things that were said.

I know I could get 2x4 again… for even having this conversation again… But… I need to sort the things out for me. Sadly, after I listened to all these info, I kind of made a conclusion that H is nowhere close to finalizing things in a grown up, adult way. He is still running, and spinning, and cycling… I realized that if I need things to get moving, I have to do it myself.

What I also sensed from all of the info is that H is struggling tremendously, but keeps his happy face to everyone and keeps trying to find an external fix for his internal issues. It is like he comes closer to accepting the things, then runs away fast and hard. I feel sorry for him.

But, I can only control myself, right. So, I’m going to have fun tonight at the dinner. There are two couples coming over and they are always fun. We did a traditional Christmas drive to the mountains this morning with one of the couples who is coming for dinner tonight. The purpose of this drive is to deliver food and do some minor repairs on the house of the 95 year old man who lives there by himself with his dogs. There is normally a caravan of off-road and 4-wheel drive vehicles and people who do this every year. I like this tradition and always participate when I can.

[AJM]

Hi Bright. Merry Christmas!
I'm always a fan of traditions. I think they are a part of life that makes it better. Glad you kept to it!

I realized that if I need things to get moving, I have to do it myself.

My dear, that's always been the case. You know by now that your friends mean well and are angry. You also know that your H love you all those years. Nobody, and I mean nobody, keeps that up for that long without you knowing.

You also know that you have always had the majority of power in this conversation. It's always been that way. It may not be what you asked for, but you have always held the majority of power in this dynamic.

I'm quite sure that your friend was right when he said you were the best thing to happen to H. I can tell by your actions and compassion

You'll sort things out. I have no doubt you'll do it with kindness and compassion. I suspect your H may be the only person on the planet that will say otherwise, but that's on him and it's only a point in time he can reference until/if he gets his head out of his a**. It's not pleasant, but it is something you'll do when you're ready.

Merry Christmas!

AJ

[BrightFuture]

Merry Christmas to you too, AJ, and thanks for stopping by! Thank you for the words of confidence, I need these… I had the same exact thought in my head as my male friend, that H actually never truly loved me. Like my mutual friend, I also don’t understand how he would just turn it off and live his life like I never existed as his best friend, his companion, his wife and a lover.

I am back home. I really enjoyed my time with my friends at the vacation home. The dinner was great! I went to my friend’s house yesterday for another dinner – leftovers. It was great again. I ate so much, I need to be on a strict diet now, LOL. The only sad part was that at the Christmas dinner, I was the only one who was single, there were three couples, including my mutual friends. I felt kind of out of place and a bit lonely, especially when they exchanged the kisses and talked about the plans they had together.

So, I haven’t seen H in person. I saw him driving by in his car, when I was leaving from the place I was renting to go to my friends’ house on Friday. Ironically, I almost pulled in front of him when he was driving by. I had my dog in the car and everything else loaded, but I had to go back into the house, because I forgot something. I saw H’s car when I was coming down to my car.

So, he went to the potluck party he originally was going to, before he decided to join my mutual friends (and me) for dinner, and then he cancelled… Interesting part is that he was posing all of the events on the FB. It was just like he was trying to compete with me… I normally post things on FB about my “adventures” and friends at the vacation home. It was like he was trying to beat me to it, LOL. The things he posted are not typical H, as I used to know him...

The reason I know about his FB posting is that a couple our mutual friends on FB “liked” his posts or commented on them. Soooo… besides the post about the party he went to, he posted some pics about his charity run. He was with a group of people who distributed the gifts to the local kids. This was another shocker for me, LOL. First… H is distributing the gifts on Christmas day… Second, distributing gifts to the KIDS… Wow! Like I mentioned before, H wanted nothing to do with Christmas. And… he doesn’t generally like kids’ stuff and interacting with kids … AND… posting this on FB!!! Is he trying to portray himself a good, compassionate guy, LOL???

One other thing I learnt from my mutual friends. They said that H has been doing some work on the condo… Painting… and putting some curtains on the windows… I’m sure that his crazy woman friend is helping… I don’t know what to make out of this yet (the re-decorating part, not the crazy woman)… Like I mentioned before, I’m ok with treating the condo as a free rental, so I’m ok with whatever new look it will have.

Another thing… About H talking to my mutual friends about his plans to take full possession (legal) of the condo… They told me that this is not that simple to re-do the bank trust that the condo is currently in. This trust has both of our names on it, and my son as a beneficiary. So, I’m really curious what kind of paper work H is going to draw on that condo. I will wait patiently…