V is for Vanilla 26

[Vanilla]

After studying trauma intensively, and the biology of it in particular, I now understand that my experience is PTSD.

It isn't the psychotic type of PTSD, but the numbing type.

I get the vivid frightening dreams and the nameless dread of anxiety. Sometimes so intense I can do very little thinking for days. Then it passes.

I hear WH and see his mouth ranting and shouting, I see his body intimidating. It isn't his voice though just some spectre and I hear only the nasty unpleasant words. At night I fear him coming in the house.

There was a tv show called twin peaks in which a creepy man called Bob climbed into Laura Palmer's bedroom. It's like that and sometimes I hear a car, a door or the wind and I am afraid of the creepy man. Someone one said I looked a little like Sheryl Lee and it's obviously on my mind. The resemblance is slight.

I can not remember WH face at all, and I destroyed all the photos of him so I am reducing the memory as much as l can.

I realise I just get through each day, one day at a time. That's all I do, nothing more than that.

Some random man paid me a compliment and I looked to see who he was talking about.

I look in the mirror and don't see myself, just a stranger looking back. I know the stranger, she is familiar but unfamiliar at the same time.

This phase is a phase referred to as restructured memory and is part of healing. It's the mind forgetting and also trying to remember.

The answer is to observe the body and thoughts, like flotsam floating down the river. It can't hurt me as long as I stay aware it's just my mind doing the necessary stuff.

I am learning about eye movement therapy, EMDR and that has some fascinating implications.

A double blind study was done on the effects of massage on well being in trauma. In some cases it's as effective as ADS and anti anxiety meds which dont help much with PTSD. Even CBT is contra indicated as is early debriefing, which appears to embed traumatic damage. Mainly after single event traumas.

The kind of numbing trauma of abuse is more like being in a battle zone day after day for a civilian. My PTSD is classified as mild although that's not how it seems to me when I am in the midst of a reaction.

I don't think of WH much at all any more although I have the constant dread and anxiety. Sometimes strongly and sometimes weakly. Good news is my thoughts aren't audio hallucinations (appearing to be sounds outside my head).

Triggers can set off weeks of cycling which settle eventually. And they are my own thoughts.

It's referred to as hyper vigilance or being in a constant state of alarm or alert posture. It is also unlikely I will be able to function in an involved R because of it, at least for a long time.

As this isn't FOO related it's much harder to resolve. FOO issues generally resolve by nurturing of the self.

I am beginning to cry again occasionally, also good as the numbness dissipates.

I want to reach a stage of being unafraid of WH, of what he will do, say or if he will emerge. I want him to move on quickly and quietly. I want him far away with his Maggotroni in a foreign land where I never have to see him. I want his R to succeed so the courts determine his need is less and his OW income is taken into account.

My wants though and I have no control over any of it. I only can only manage me.

V