Hi there! So sorry it finally came to this, but better to know at this point.
My story was a little bit similar - H's affair, DB'd my butt off, reconciliation and several good/great years together, then H went down the MLC wormhole as he approached 50/had work disappointments/kids were leaving the nest.
As hard as I worked to keep the marriage together, I feel peace in my heart that I did all I could do. And once I truly let go ("Let Go or Be Dragged" was my mantra) my life became better and better. Midlife dating was...well...an adventure, but since I had already endured the worst that could happen to a relationship, I felt pretty fearless. After a few years of dating, I met my current boyfriend of 2 1/2 years, who treats me like a princess and makes me realize all the things that were missing in my relationship with my ex.
I learned to play the drums and now play in a punk-rock cover band. I've also played with a professional singer/songwriter friend and done brief tours with her. The practice I started shortly before Ex's MLC has steadily grown and, although I don't make exorbitant amounts of money, it's enough for me to feel safe. I manage my money frugally and well without the interruptions of ex's financial impulses.
I try to keep my kids in a place where they interact well with their father. One son is currently not speaking to my ex but I am trying to give son some perspective without invalidating his grievances.
There is something wonderful about owning your own life again, after a long marriage of accommodating the other person and trying to keep them happy. This is your opportunity to do ANY CRAZY THING YOU WANT.
Think carefully about big financial decisions. Could you refinance the house and get a roommate to help pay the mortgage? Or is the house really too much for you and should you downsize? Only you can make those decisions. We sold our home and split the equity - I actually bought a bigger house in a much less expensive part of town and would like to have it paid off before I retire, although the timeline on that has gotten pushed out quite a bit. The reason for the bigger house was a need to provide a safe landing place for my three kids in their 20's and my mom - and sure enough, a few years after buying it, my 83 y.o. mother lives with me (she still drives and works half-time though!), and 2 of my three sons currently live with me (one will be moving back out soon). The house is large enough for all of us, and I figure, in the future, I could downsize or rent out rooms if I wanted.
