FIL is deteriorating every day - it's like he has given up living since his terminal diagnosis on Thursday - he could die anyday. His family are trying to get him into a hospice asap.
Xmas is going to be fraught.
W is still going out tonight and has even bought waterproof mascara as she anticipates her emotions after a few glasses of wine. It's typical of her organisation. She is going to get pissed, probably cry, and therefore needs waterproof mascara!!
She is hardly reaching out to me for support. If I offer a hug, she says no as she is trying to hold it together. She said she is sorry if I feel she is freezing me out but she is just trying t hold it together. I said I understood.
I guess I just need to be there for support and if she wants to hug me. No more me offering hugs.
Last edited by isittoolate; 12/19/1506:31 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Last night and early this morning has well and truly screwed up most of my Dbing efforts to date.
W has been on the edge all week holding it together as her Fathers health has deteriorated rapidly. She has hated him most of her life as he sexually abused her as a child (aged 3/4). But now he is on his deathbed she feels she loves him dearly and doesn't want him to die and wants another 6 months to 'put things right' and show him she loves him but he is likely to die in weeks if not days.
Last night she went out with the girls. I knew she would be back very late and likely get v drunk. Most bars close at 3/4am.
I woke at 5am and she wasnt home. She had never before stayed out so late. I was worried so called her but got voicemail.
At 5:25 I got up and went to the window. There was a taxi at the end of the drive. I went back to bed but she didn't come in. I went to look again and could see a figure swaying by the drivers door. It looked like she was snogging him!
I got dressed and went out - they weren't snogging just talking. I was standing hands on hips she looked as me appalled at my aggressive stance and told me to go in. I did but after a few minutes went back out.
She was exchanging phone numbers with him!
She went in , I confronted her and a massive. massive fight ensued lasting hours.
She said he was being kind and his mum had died a few years ago,and she was just talking about her dad. She said the phone number meant nothing and she would not have rang him.
I shouted at her, tried to get her to see my point of view, said she was disrespectful, said if any other husband of her friends saw their wives exchange numbers with a cab drivers they would kick his ass.
I said she was being naive and the cab driver just wanted to screw a beautiful, vulnerable woman.
She slapped me! Never has she hit me before.
Our boys woke up and heard us rowing and S11 heard about the taxi driver. He sat outside the MBR listening. She hates the fact they had to hear anything as they have never heard us fight and have always been 100% protected.
I argued that she would talk to the taxi driver, exchange numbers , but not talk to me.
The row continued with less shouting, W opened up about the child abuse she suffered and her feeling for her dad, how she never told anyone - she went to her friends from 4-5am to talk about it. Her friend had an abusive father and she hated him until he died - but them loved him. W says her friend is the only one who understands her pain.
the arguments went round in circles with her saying I was out of order making her awful day a lot lot worse - me saying what i had saw from the window and why did you exchange phone numbers.
At the end it was past 8am .
W said she couldn't forgive the fact that I has made the worst night of her life a lot worse - she was angry and hurt. She cant trust me to be supportive of her. In her real time of need - I wasnt there for her. I had made it about me - when she is grieving for her Father. Also what right did I have to order her about - as we were estranged - she used that word several times. I talked about integrity and trust and use the word husband several times - she said were estranged.
At this stage I was validating but also trying to get her to see what I had see from the window and the exchange of phone numbers.
She doesn't think she did anything wrong except maybe stay out too late and not let me know where she was - she never has done that before either.
So now she is sleeping - I am wide awake. its 9:45am
She said several times 'this changes everything' 'this will precipitate a conversation' - in other words the next R talk is coming and she wants a D.
What a F&ck up!
Last edited by isittoolate; 12/20/1509:48 AM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Take a deep breath, Is. We all seem to make colossal mistakes as we try and deal with the reality of our situations. You screwed up a bit, true. But, on the plus side, she was drunk. I really mean that. She's going to remember some, but not all of it.
Exchanging phone numbers with a taxi driver right outside your home is disrespectful. You have a valid point with that. It's not just the exchanging of the number, she was out there for a while, and you were worried. You overreacted a bit. She is highly emotional because of her dad.
Apologize when she gets up. Just let her know you were worried, and overreacted a bit. Don't talk about much else until you get a handle on how much she remembers. Let her know you are there for her. You understand how much her father's failing health is bothering her.
Talk to the kids, and let them know everything is all right. You were worried, and overreacted. The last thing you want is for them to bring it up to her if you can help it. Tell them you had a bit of an argument, but everything is fine right now.
It always feels like the end of the world when you make a big DBing mistake - but it's usually not. Just go back to doing what you know you need to do. Your situation is unusually tense at the moment with FIL being so close to dying. That's hard on anyone.
I think the damage is done - she will remember most if not all of it as she was more or less sober by the time she went to bed. In fact she still wanted to talk at 8:30am! She had no sleep for 26 hours and poor sleep for the last few weeks.
What she did with the taxi driver was out of line. But I over reacted - I cant believe she hit me.I was angry and shouty but I didnt threaten her.
I think she feels the trust is gone - i dont trust her with other men and she doesnt trust me to support her at the most painful time of her life.
She is also particularly upset that the kids heard a lot from outside the door. We both reassured them as they had gone downstairs and said sorry to them. It was funny as S8 has counted one F word from me and 24 from W!
I am trying to be the rock in her hour of need but she pushes me away - no one else knows about the child abuse W suffered except her friend who she told last night.
She says she isn't pushing me away as she has told me everything.
I guess I feel physically pushed away. I just want to hug her and love her.
Time is the greatest healer - W is running out of time with her Father and I am running out of time with my MR.
Last edited by isittoolate; 12/20/1510:30 AM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
W sees what she did as the actions of a hurting, vulnerable drunk woman at the end of a long emotional day and night.
W sees my reaction as unforgivable, completely unsupportive, thoughtless, and 'there is no going back' 'we have crossed a threshold' ------ her words.
'We had been getting along ok,amicable, but now thing have changed' - ' ' this will precipitate a change' -------------again her words
Last edited by isittoolate; 12/20/1510:40 AM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
W has all sorts of conflicting feeling for her Father.
Guilt, regret, hate and love are just four.
The pain she is feeling inside is tangible she says she can feel it inside her stomach, an aching aching pain. All yesterday she was fighting to control her emotions, it was bubbling under the surface.
Why did she go out and get so so drunk and so so late? She can be so destructive.
Why did she exchange phone numbers! If she hadn't of done that, we might have had a small fight because it was 5:30 am and I was worried about her, but then gone to bed and this cluster F@ck would not have happened.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Yet before she went to sleep at 9:00 am I said I was taking the boys to Star Wars movie at 2 and W said she still wanted to go and to wake her if necessary ( I have tickets for all 4 of us)
We have two wedding photos in the MBR , she has put them face down on the sideboard.
She feels betrayed, let down, on the most vulnerable day of her life. It's going to be a long time before she forgives me if at all.
Last edited by isittoolate; 12/20/1512:21 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
I know it feels like all is lost at the moment...but stop and consider all that is happening at the moment. Even if she decides, today, all is done, no more M...
That's likely going to change in the coming weeks. She is in no state of mind to be making permanent decisions. Just hang in there for now. I know it seems overwhelming, but the kind of pain she's in at the moment doesn't really allow for clear thought.
It doesn't make today any better, I know. Your best bet is to just be supportive, keep DBing, and be there - right where you are.
She is talking to me and looking at me, still anger in her eyes tho.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
We have been to see Star Wars as a family - tense and tiring because of last night.
Then a small talk about last night.
She still maintains she did nothing wrong and I made those two hours into the worst day of her life. When I said why did you give the guy your number, she said because he said anytime she wanted to talk, she could give him a ring (his mother died two years ago) She thought oh that's really nice of you , and b/c she was drunk she did it.
She says I made things so much worse, she's grieving for her father and I made it worse,
It's the worst thing I could have done -
Last edited by isittoolate; 12/20/1505:42 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
