Letting go of the child inside

[ciluzen]

ATP, it seems a little strange to me that as people are opting out of this thread I am choosing to post, but I feel ya.

I see you as wide eyed with panic. You probably look almost the same to everyone in your daily life, but fear and sadness of what is in reality happening and of the scenarios your overactive brain is constantly creating is paralyzing your ability to focus on what is being said to you. And its hard to breathe with that boa constrictor around your chest.

You are trying to manipulate advice given to you in such a way that it seems people are telling you to walk away and lose everything and be depressed for ever and ever (victimhood) or to be able to say "yeah I've been doing that for a long time and nothing is working!Its all hopeless! Help me!" (Put up wall, shut down, back to victimhood).

Slow...Down. THIS IS GOING TO TAKE A LONG TIME. You, and I I now realize, have not been in this sitch very long. REALLY. We are short timers. Changing little things about us over a few months is not sending a message to our spouses that we have made permanent changes. That is because we are...wait for this...STILL ONLY DOING IT FOR THEM. To be permanent, IT HAS TO BE FOR US, because it feel like we are better off REGARDLESS OF OUR MARRIAGE OR KIDS.

I believe you need to realize how much you are trying to control. The mere fact that you are in a panic about not being able to do anything right now and not knowing what to do shows how much you NEED to be in control. YOU ARE NOT. But, you can CONTROL YOURSELF.

Go to work. Smile. Engage. Be awesome at your job. Go for walks on your lunch hour. Ask people to walk with you. Ask them about their lives. Don't complain about yours.

Come home.Play with your kiddos. Talk to them about friends and school. Don't judge, just laugh with them empathize. Go for walks. Go do something fun. LET THEM PICK THE TOPIC OR ACTIVITY. IF they are so used to you doing it that they can't, GIVE THEM THREE CHOICES AND ASK THEM TO PICK ONE. If they say no drop it and save it for another time and don't be hurt by it. Shake it off.Tickle them. Give them noogies.

Greet your wife with a smile if and when you see her. Then go do something, fix something. Go for a walk. If she makes you dinner, tell her it is good and thank her. Clean up. If you cook, offer her some. If she says no. smile and say ok, then drop the subject.DO NOT TELL HER TO DO ANYTHING. DO NOT FOLLOW HER AROUND> GIVE HER SPACE. if you are lonely, go online or to a bookstore, or online to a bookstore. Research everything you can on validation, control issues, emotional response, emotional regulation, emotional reactivity, communication and detachment. LEAVE HER ALONE PLEASANTLY. DO NOT ASK HER HOW SHE IS OR HOW HER DAY WENT. DONT ASK HER ANYTHING.

Find other people to hang with...meetup.com, library, bowling league, church, naked camel racing...whatever interests you.

DONT THINK OF THE FUTURE. ITS NOT HERE YET. DONT THINK OF LEAVING. OR SELLING THE HOUSE. YOU AREN'T THERE YET.

SLOW...DOWN...NO EXPECTATIONS MEANS DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING.

DON'T LET YOUR FEARS AND WORRIES RULE YOUR MIND.

ok. I'm done now.