FWIW, my now D21 had a couple of very rough years with her dad when she was 12. I did and said what I could, and I did a lot of listening to her and yet, she was still angry. I would say that she had a broken heart at that time. I started dating someone I cared for, and it actually got worse - she blamed her dad for putting me in the position of finding someone new. It was a very emotional time for all of us. And I honestly was able to put myself in her shoes and feel the empathy she desperately needed.
In the end, I told her that I needed to put her back into counseling for a little while. I told her there was nothing wrong with her at all, but that I HAD to help her find a way to constructively manage her feelings in a safe place with someone who wouldn't judge her. I got a little push back, but when I told her I thought it wouldn't take very long if she cooperated, she caved. And it was the best thing I did for her. I just couldn't help her get from point A to point B without feeling guilty about what was happening in my house either. I didn't want to put her in the position of being afraid to tell me 100% of her truth.
In the end, she did. But it took being with her IC to get to that point. It really helped her.
What also helped her was that she was playing a sport she adored - volleyball. She took her feelings out on the court, and put that chip on her shoulder to good work. She opted to devote her energy to really working on her game and I believe it was the foundation for her very successful volleyball career. I find it interesting that she was able to channel that anger into a very constructive path.
She's super good at confronting her feelings now. And it has never ceased to amaze me that when she's overwhelmed, she does something physical - like going for a run, or playing some hoops - all very positive ways to get that energy out of her system. Afterward, she's left with what remains, and she either talks it out with us or her friends or makes a list of things she can do to finish. I admire her for doing what I didn't learn how to do until I was in my 40s at such a young age.
Hang in there. She needs your ears more than your wisdom right now. Help her be honest with herself and guide her into a place where she can learn how to soothe herself.
Hugs- Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
