dday, getting out of the muck

[dday]

Thanks mutatio. Friends were supportive last night. But they also didn't know that I had signed papers. W and our neighbor left pretty early. After that, we played a game where you had to write answers to questions... so anytime there was an answer about crazy spouse, or d or whatever, they always guessed it was me. Usually wasn't, and they were just giving me a hard time. Trying to lighten the mood I guess.


I was able to have a good time though. Laughed and joked quite a bit. It was less tense after W left. I think everyone was a bit uncomfortable. Not my making though. It felt good to be included again. Buddies W was taking pics of me without me knowing it, trying to set me up with someone. I am single now, so whatever... I have been for months, and didn't know it for sure until now.

Leaving the door open, bit I told her I wouldn't wait on her. We will see what happens

[Jpeg]

DDay you are such an amazing young man. You write with such maturity and wisdom. Your Ex (now I guess) W will surely regret what she has done. It is clear you are valued by your friends you have so much to look forward to Every time I read any of your posts I am so impressed with how you handle things

[dday]

Jpeg, thank you. It means a lot. I certainly hope my W finds herself again and comes back to start a new r. But that is out of my control. She did tell me yesterday when we signed that she is proud of the changes I have made. That is nice that she acknowledged that she has seen them. I told her that there is nothing else I can do. I have "fixed" the biggest issues in me.

I'm still a work in progress, but I at least am making progress

[tl2]

I'm still a work in progress, but I at least am making progress

Yep. One day at a time for all of us. And you're doing it.

[dday]

Well, seeing STBX or whatever she is now, everyday stinks. It makes nothing easier for me. Thursday kid swap. Friday signed papers, then party in the evening. Saturday, 3 ball games. Today kid swap. Tomorrow ballgame...

I'm not sure that there is anything I can do about it. But last night, after the ballgames, W came up to me to talk. Started as kid stuff, and my answers were short and didn't lead to anything else. I asked nothing. She tried to talk during the morning game, so I ran the scoreboard and was busy.

I'm not 100% on how to act around her. I still love her and could easily fall back into acting like "normal" us. So I feel I need to keep my distance. Physically and socially. I would be happy with going dark right now, but it's impossible with the kid stuff. Any suggestions out there for me?

[Fogg]

I've fought myself on how to interact many times with W in the past. I guess I'll just give you the advice my coach gave me. You want to do whatever it takes in your off time that puts a bounce in your step. Enjoy life so when you are around her your happy. Ad far as the communication do thr same as we always have heard. Polite, pleasant, but let her lead things. Keep yourself busy with other things if you don't want to talk to he too much, but don't be rude/cold about it. I remember that struggle of just wanting to go dark and ignore her. This is her life and choice afterall, why would it be so bad to just go dark on her so she has to deal with the Co sequences of her actions. But then I have to ask myself, is that what the man only a fool would leave would do. Those interactions, while painful, do have an effect of attracting her back if done right. But I think you already know that, the balance is making it so you keep the interaction to do that but still allow her to experience the consequences of her actions and not cake eat.

If I'm honest, sometimes I see things happen in other sitches and realize it's not happened in mine and wish it did. W does hug me, doesn't tell me she's proud of my changes. I don't get see the emotion directly from her this decision to D and break apart our family was difficult. I don't even get D paperwork that gives an ending to this. In fact what rattles around in my head was when the monster was out about a month or two after BD and she told me "the decision to D you was the easiest decision I ever had to make. I'm just dealing with other things on my mind right now". I know better than to believe it but it still hurt. What bothers me more was she was able to say such a hurtful thing, true or not, without any regard to how it might make me feel. It's the same with what she told you, don't believe it, but I understand why it hurts.

Still, we hold ourselves to do better. Not because they didnt, but because it's who we want to be.

[dday]

Thank you fogg. I have trouble bouncing from cold to friends. I haven't found the middle ground. I agree that doing fun things helps. I know that yesterday, if she paid any attention to me at all during the tourney, then she saw me talking to tons of people. Some from our school, and some from our boys all star team that was at another school. I enjoyed catching up with these parents. Seeing their new babies, etc. One of W closest mom friends came and sat with me and talked. (She hosted the party Friday). It's nice to feel accepted for just me and to get some support.

W overheard us dads talking about joining an old man league. I'm sure that caught her off guard, since I am more of a homebody. But, I need to get out more now, since all my hobbies were at the other house.

I am actually pretty happy with the rest of my life now. Good job. Supportive boss and coworkers. Tons of friends that I am becoming closer to. Kids love hanging out with me.

But, my W was my best friend too. So that part is awful. I know all this takes time. Way more than we would ever have thought. She knows my feelings, and desire. Nothing much else I can do there. I feel that I am the man only a fool would leave. Still much room for improvement, but I am a prize already.

[Ancaire]

D - yes, you are a prize already. But today, I am absolutely feeling your pain...the longing for my old best friend. Missing just being able to talk to the one person I trusted. Man! I don't know what is hitting me so hard this weekend, but, ouch. I'm feeling the pain of loss.

So, take heart, friend. You are doing everything right. Time will tell, right? In the meantime, you've got a lot of us rooting you on!

[tl2]

I'm not 100% on how to act around her. I still love her and could easily fall back into acting like "normal" us. So I feel I need to keep my distance. Physically and socially. I would be happy with going dark right now, but it's impossible with the kid stuff. Any suggestions out there for me?

As I've said elsewhere, my heart goes out to all of you who have to interact with an ex while sharing custody of minor kids. A little easier for me since mine are grown and there's no real interaction necessary.

I think you have to do what's right for you without regard to how it affects her and keeps you on an even keel, and that's all that really matters as long as you're being polite. Only you will know what that balance is when you find it.

[dday]

Today, I dropped off the boys, and didn't move away from the car. Let her come to me. I answered her questions, and asked her what I needed to know. She ran in and brought me a gift I had ordered and had delivered to the house, and then again to grab some fundraiser stuff I need to deliver. She was very happy and waved at me as she was walking back in smiling and said "see you tomorrow".

If we were dating, and I left her that way, I would have considered it a great interaction (minus any gesture of affection).

So, I left and my mind went to "maybe this is best. Maybe we are just supposed to be friendly now and that's it." I don't know that I like this line of thought. Feels like further than letting go. More like giving up. Maybe this is what I need to get to? Self preservation? I'm not sure.

Is that the next step? Is it normal? (Fogg, I cycle too) not sure these feelings will hang around. Not really too sure about anything...