Recent Hurricane

[NateG79]

Thanks Jellyb. I did finally have to be sedated last night. I was so overwhelmed, had so much fear. My mom cane overt and dropped 2 lorazapam and motrin pm and i was pretty much down for the count. Ironically, when I talked to the W,when she called to say goodnight to my D,she said we needed to talk. That launched me into another anxiety attack and that's when my mom came over. I dread "talks" nowadays with my W as it's just another reason for her to bash me, so it's become difficult to talk to her. Plus I feel that she's still talking to OM, and so talking will really accomplish nothing

[123mich]

I am with you on the bomb drops that spin us out of control.. and agree this is the MOST stressful experience of my life too! But we can get through it! Easier said than done.. but we need to think positively.. focus on your self and your D.. be strong for your D.

[JellyB]

Hi Nate,

Just checking in. I see you got some sleep with the assistance of some meds, I have been there too. When I had my breakdown, a lot of could have been attributed to sleep deprivation. Sleep is really important for healing and for a clear mind when DBing.

Your description of how heightened and triggered you are around your anxiety causes me a lot of concern for you. What is your DB coach saying about this. It is great that conversations with them are assisting you to de-escalate, talking is good, better out than in. Have you told your DB coach that you are managing sleep with meds. Does you DB coach know how contact with W is triggering you.

Nate, you need a plan buddy to get some relief. I know you are working with DB coach on a plan which involves being cordial, neighbourly. But I do wonder if last night given how vulnerable you had been if it would not have been beneficial to put any R talk off. A simple sorry I know you need to talk, and I am willing to hear what you have to say but tonight I need space to digest a few things that I am working through personally.

Nate I know you want to be a great dad and H at this time. But running your cup to empty isn't going to help. Panic attacks take it out of you. I need a week just to recover from an anxiety. Please be kind to yourself and take/ask for you need to get through this. W isn't going anywhere, you share a child together. And her pattern is a strong push pull dymanic. Distance is an invitation for her come back in. I am not suggesting that you distance to manipulate, but distance to ensure your mental health first.

There is real wisdom in why the airlines suggest parents put their own oxygen masks on first. Nate no oxygen mask, no marriage no family. You first Buddy.

Please talk to DB coach about a strategy to deal with the panic attacks and sleepliness. I personally would be anticipating that they would be recommending a referral to an specialist in this area.

I hope you have some peace today, I there is a quiet space that provides some short term relief.

I'll stop by again Nate, and I hope to see some lovely experienced Vets and newcomers to drop by to see you and offer more DBing gold to you.

Keep posting Nate. While it maybe that none of us are experienced counsellors or therapists there is real friendship and integrity in boarders seeing each other thrive.

Light and love

JellyBXXX

[NateG79]

Thanks for the kind words again Jellyb. We didn't actually talk, she's just trying to set a time where we CAN talk. I still dread it. I know she's still at least somewhat in contact or involved with OM. So I'm not sure what it is we need to talk about. We can talk about our child and co parenting via phone and text. I can't imagine it would be a R talk as there really isn't one, other than maybe neighborly. I just feel like it's maybe for a temp check, and maybe an opportunity to stab me a few times verbally. I just, can't take anymore of that right now. Tonight getting out to go see SWTFA VII. So maybe that will help me take my mind off of it for awhile. I just need a break.

[NateG79]

Opinions from sandi here on ww actions?

[NateG79]

Had good GAL tonight. Went to see the new Star Wars. After all the panic and anxiety going on in my relationship, it was good to see something I've been in love with for 36 years, and it still does me right. I laughed, I cried. It was a beautiful movie. So happy. On the WW front, had some good interactions by text today. Been using the 180s, concentrating on validating and listening, and W seems to be opening up more when I talk to her in this way. I don't know if maybe she's starting to see cracks in the relationship with OM or maybe she just misses talking with her best friend of 10 years, but it's at least been pleasant. No expectations or hopes. They've just been nice interactions. Going to go get Christmas pictures of D done tomorrow. Wish me luck.

[trumpet]

Nate,

The word that I keep coming back to is patience. Patience with the situation and your WW. It won't get fixed in days or weeks. Think longer. Youw WW might have an epiphany, and come back sooner. But the damage done to both of you will need repair.

I'm guilty of trying to talk when I should be listening, or not listening when my WW starts to open up. Lots of two steps forward/two steps back action.

The waiting can be unbearable if you don't focus on working on yourself. What does the ideal NateG79 look and talk like? The ideal Trumpet is a man of his word, is physically fit and active, spends time with his kids, stands up tall, talks with purpose, doesn't waste time playing video games, spends time every day studying God's word, eats healthy, is on time, and communicates exceptionally well.

It took a month, but I'm finally getting it through my thick skull what I need to look like and be in order to be attractive to come back TO. My WW is scared that I'm just a mirage, and not a changed person. We ALL have the capability to do hurtful, evil things. It is our choice to not do them, and to do what is good and right. Every good choice and good habit I do now will take hold with practice.

[NateG79]

Thanks for the reply trumpet. The Ideal NateG79 is well on the way. I've lost close to 28 lbs. I'm 6'0" 174 lbs. I'm fairly lean nowadays. Lol, I don't know what possessed me but I decided for the first time ever to start growing somewhat of a beard. Have no idea why. I pray daily. That's a big one, I have recently come back into a more consistent relationship with God. I pray for my family, the OM's wife and kids, the situation, my WW. I can say that I'm not pursuing. I've definitely dropped the rope, and I'm not playing the tug of war game. I do realize we need time to heal, and that's fine. I do have a tendency to be impatient, and limbo is not good for me. It's the most difficult thing to deal with. If it was just us being separated, that would be one thing, what really drives me nuts is that there is OM involved. I have no idea how deeply, but it confuses the situation nonetheless. But, my biggest issue is misreading her cues. She wants to have this R talk, and it scares me as most days I'm somewhere between full on panic, and mellowed out by lorazapam. I don't know what it is about when women saying they want to talk, which causes men to throw themselves off the cliff. Anxiety attacks and PTSD are another factor I constantly have to fight. When I'm with my D, I spend all my time playing with her, reading with her, being with her. Like you trumpet, I've pretty much lost all desire for the old days of Video Games and toys. I'm working out more often than I did. I do have a lot of friends to get out there and do things with, which is really good for me. I have the benefit of all my family and support network being very helpful. They all want this to workout. No one's holds a grudge towards my WW. They all wish to see our family restored through God. Thanks for listening.

[trumpet]

So good to hear much of what you're saying.

I'm struggling with the same things - I see what I need to do, and my desire is to stay calm. My problem is that triggers can be around me all the time, so I have to disarm the triggers, and find a way to cope and stay calm.

My exercise was my way of doing that, and I'm working through a case of tendonitis in my achilles, so I'm hoping to start walking/running again next week.

Anxiety attacks are tough - I've never really had one (I think), but got pretty close in the last 2 months. I'm on Lexapro, and have been for almost 10 years. The small dose keeps me from jumping from idea to idea, and has helped to keep my sexual urges at bay - I actually thanked God for taking away some of my sexual urges when I started taking it, since my W and I have rarely had sex in the last 10 years - probably 3 or 4 times. I'm high drive, thus the porn addiction. She sees nothing wrong with never having sex again, so it's a problem that we'll need to work on once we get there. She has admitted it's completely unfair to expect a wife who never has sex, so she knows there are things she'll have to work on, but for now, she's not all that interested in fixing herself. Just happy to try to work on the friendship.

[sandi2]

I think your W's actions fall in line with those of a WW. You have to protect yourself, Nate. Protect your health, finances, property, etc. Protect your child as best as you can. Sorry to say, you cannot trust your W.

You don't have to talk to her when she calls. I suggest you not accept any calls after 6:00 p.m. Let it go to voice mail. Don't read texts, FB, or emails. If she comes in person, simply tell her you don't want to have R talks at night. You have to learn to tell her, "This doesn't work for me".

If you are not currently taking meds for anxiety, I suggest you make a visit to your doctor and discuss how all of this is affecting your nervous system.