Rain75: New post re: OW

[Rain75]

It has been a terrible 2 days. I slept with him (i know i know) and we had a nice night with the kids. Went out to dinner. Then he baited me and I walked away. But after hour 3 I lost it. It got bad. He brought up OW. He wishes she would talk to him. He knows it hurts me but she is the only person who has never judged him. (Ha! If only he knew -but i didn't tell him anything she SO judged him on to me let him find it out on his own)

He isn't interested in the relationship we had. He "knows" that I will never change. He deserves to be happy. He has always loved me and always will. She's a liar. He doesn't know what he wants. He misses her. He misses me and the kids. No one cares about him.

When you guys say feelings change you are NOT kidding. He went from wanting out to wanting to try over and over. From missing OW to missing and wanting me, again over and over.

Its effing surreal. And on and on we went until i just had a moment of clarity and told him he needs to work on his feelings for ow and i went to bed. He is a lot more broken than I am because my being broken is due to his betrayal and my anger and pain over that and his brokeness is from his childhood and last marriage and i can do nothing to help him. And he does not want to get help or change. He is happy in his misery.

He asked to spend time with us today and i agreed. He asked me not to bring up R or OW or us. I agreed and didn't. He tried to get in my bed and i am currently writing from my bed alone. I put him on the couch.

Tomorrow i start anew. I will post my goals. I will post my specific weight loss plans. I will do my best to move forward as if this man will not step up because all signs point to just that

And although re reading DR has been slow going and i kept reading the same paragraph over and over i am now excited and anxious for him to go to work tomorrow so that I can read it. All the bits on focusing on me!

I am so over this. Over his confusion and "love" for me that will always be there. (Yeah okay) and his soulmate attachment and depression over ow.

He can do what he wants. And so can I. And what I want right now is to get stronger and do better and focus on me and the kids.