New or false hope?

[JulieH]

Haven't been posting because absolutely nothing is happening in my situation. But I noticed I am starting to hijack other's threads, so I obviously am in need of venting.

Husband called to discuss plans for kids for Christmas, but absolutely no talk about reconciliation. Still barely calls to check on kids but is concerned about seeing them on Christmas which pisses me off. What about the rest of the [censored] year? Will write more on this.

I am still consumed with anger torwards him. I even mentioned on someone else's post that I even get angry at his mother (and she wants us back together).
I often do not feel like it would be possible to rebuild any type of relationship. Mostly because he does not bother to communicate with me. The space has pushed me further apart from him and to be honest I want him to suffer. I feel like I am an easy slip to the dark side . I don't have the feeling others on this site have for their spouses. I am less forgiving. I don't need or want him back on his terms. I don't want a marriage where I am doomed to be a servant and his role is mechanic. I want a relationship where we do things together. In counseling he said he wanted a marriage like his parents (not knowing the story behind it) I do not want his mother's life for myself? He does not and has never communicated with me. He is the one that left us, so I will not be the one to fix this. I will not wait much longer in this limbo though. I feel this way most of the time. Occasionally some feelings of peace and hope and compassion come through, but not very often.

I don't know what I want to do at this Point. I am lonely. I want a companion and everything that goes with that. The only way to have that is to finalize things with him. He obviously does not want it. He has walked out, told me he can not work on reconciliation then told me he wants to and does nothing. For this to work, it's his turn. I spent so much time trying to work things out.