Not sure what you mean. His assertion is that conflict will lead to progress. But all we do is rehash. He recriminates things from the very beginning of the marriage. I sometimes just validate. Sometimes he pushes me so much (waking me up at various times in the night to hash things out) I do get bad or go backwards...
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
Sunday night he told me he spoke to a divorce lawyer. DIdn't say if he started something just spoke to one.
I spoke to a friend last night & he got mad... if he wants a divorce why does it matter? I feel like asking him that but doubt that would be a good idea...
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
Not sure what you mean. His assertion is that conflict will lead to progress. But all we do is rehash. He recriminates things from the very beginning of the marriage. I sometimes just validate. Sometimes he pushes me so much (waking me up at various times in the night to hash things out) I do get bad or go backwards...
I guess my point is that him getting angry doesnt necessarily indicate that you are moving "backwards." I think whats important is you deciding what is important to you and not caving to him just to placate him.
If you dont want to talk about the same thing again, then say it, and excuse yourself. Eventually, he will get the hint, even if it makes him mad the first couple times.
I think that may be healthier than continually having the same fruitless discussion.
I go backwards by getting angry/reactive myself. Yeah, I've tried that. That's when he wakes me in the night so we can "communicate about our problems". When I excuse myself then he accuses me of not wanting to work on it, putting up walls (like he has) and shutting down. So I say, I know I am working on myself (which he turns around to mean I'm only loving myself/looking to myself), I can't fix him (which he explodes that I'm turning everything onto him), this is bigger than either one of us, etc. He keeps pushing and pushing!! He actually said just prior to the divorce lawyer thing that he admits that he was very deceptive and lied. Not to confess it or get my forgiveness, but to "clear his conscience" whatever that means. Remember he is a pastor... that's totally screwed up biblically...
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
I really want to call him on this double-minded mixed message BS. He wants to hash thing out & fight, accusing me of playing games and all kinds of things. That points to him caring, even in his own warped way. But yet he yells at me that he's done & has talked to a lawyer.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
Hey Kyrie, we'd love to help. Maybe time to start a new thread, and try to post daily for a couple of weeks? Can you give us a quick summary and then some updates in the last few weeks?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
