Is it wrong to expect someone to be nice to us in exchange for being nice to them?
Codependent, enabling and conflict avoiding...definitely all describe me.
That definitely describes me too. I think, B, that the most important thing that you can do for yourself right now is to put away your expectations. Not an easy thing to do, but as a codependent, enabling, conflict avoider, this is how I am trying to live my life. It is NOT easy.
Having no expectations, good OR bad, is the road to emotional freedom and health. Think about it. Disappointment, irritation, sadness, anger, are all the result of expecting people to respond to us in a particular way. Having no expectations will free us from disappointment, etc, and will keep us off the victim-martyr road to misery. Like Mach says, we should treat everyone like we want to be treated, with no expectations of a particular response.
I think (not claiming to be an expert at all) that a large part of the ruin of our marital relationships was due to having expectations that our spouses would act in a particular way (for example, treat us kindly when we treat them kindly) and then not communicating our disappointment. If someone holds their feelings in long enough, they eventually decide the whole thing is hopeless and give up. I think our WASs, including MLCers, get fed up with the disappointments and unfairness of life in general, and decide to give up on the marriage, and try to make themselves feel better by drinking, having affairs, buying sports cars, etc.
Sorry, I am just rambling, and am not trying to beat you up. None of us are, we're just trying to help you to get over this awful time in your life. We all felt like losers when our spouses declared they did not love us any more and that they were moving on to their next partner.
It's our choice to not be losers
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
