1. When the wife is in withdrawal (remember it has to be complete no contact - she can't still see, speak or write to him occasionally or check out his social media - no contact for life) then your "detachment" I like to refer to more as a "charging neutral". You are still fighting her wayward mindset and without OM in the picture you can actually start to make progress. The neutral in "charging neutral" is the mindset like you said "genuinely OK with whatever happens". She can leave. The cage door is open and you are not her keeper....and you'll be fine either way. There will come a point in time or two where you have to basically say "this isn't enough for me". Probably not yet but within 6 months or so of recovery when you sense her feelings are starting to return for you and she'll actually maybe get twinges of empathy for you and be able to hear the implications that she might lose you yet over this. Right now - she could take it or leave it because she sees no way to ever be "in love" with you or attracted to you again. Don't sweat it - my wife thought and felt the same thing. It's passes. She loved and was attracted to you before - she'll do it again and hopefully even moreso once she realizes fully how much you love her (betrayed husband forgiveness is one of the grandest gestures of love possible - God hates divorce and he has given betrayed husband's a legitimate biblical out of the marital covenant based upon Adultery. He knows how hurtful adultery is and doesn't call/require us to forgive AND reconcile.
2. Recovery is roller coaster - once off the first hill there are always little bumps, loops and turns before you return to the station. Try to listen instead of teaching. She'll say crazy things that you'll just have to ignore as foggy gobbly goop. Take road trips together and listen to relationship books on tape. Pause the tape and listen to her when she wants to talk about it. Guide her to teach herself.
3. Your wife's brain went through a reset. She was acting and behaving like a high school girl for some time there. Even though the affair is over the thinking is still immature. Sometimes you just have to meet them at there level and gude them back into responsible adulthood. Think of yourself as the big man on campus. The quarterback of the football team. He didn't chase girls around begging them to have serious relationship conversations and buying them gifts - no, he had a swagger and a confidence. Your wife SHOULD BE attracted to you and you know it. You are a good man that has a lot to offer in a relationship. She can take it or leave it. I'm not saying act like a cocky jerk but if and when she knocks you down or has talk of just not feeling it for you or being attracted to you - you can just slough that off as foggy nonsense. You can even say "you are wrong - I am attractive and lovable so perhaps we should get to the bottom of what has you thinking and feeling that I'm not - why do you think you think I'm not attractive or lovable when clearly I am?" Then take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth. LISTEN. Let her talk in circles.
The answer to the question - At one point she didn't love OM. She may of though him cute or attractive but she didn't "love" him. Then they started investing time and energy into one another meeting each others most important emotional needs and then that lead to them meeting each others most important intimate needs. Her feelings for OM followed her actions....
Perhaps you can get her to just TRY the same thing and see. Just as an experiment or something what if you two just set aside the whole "I'm not attracted to you and don't think I can ever love you again" notion for 6 months. For 6 months anytime she has the feeling she should picture a stop sign and say "I'm not to think or ponder that thought until July 4, 2016 - just let it go and see". Then for 6 months you two set about building a new marriage. Don't rehash the past - don't talk about infidelity/adultery - don't talk about OM - if you are the studying type dive into some relationship books (get them on tape and listen together). Spend as much time together as possible. Schedule your time together. Learn to meet each others needs and simply BEHAVE - as if you are the perfect couple. (this is just behavior therapy - nothing I've invented). After 6 months of behaving like lovers - "love" feelings should follow. It's the natural consequence of the behavior. Feelings follow actions.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
