I'm 41, and have been married to my wife for 15 years. She's 39, and we have three children together, ages 15, 11, and 9. (Two girls and a boy) We met in college and dated for a few years, then she got pregnant and we got married a few months later. The circumstances weren't great surrounding the how and why we got married, but to me, I was smitten with this beautiful young woman and truly meant my wedding vows.
However, our marriage has had many many issues. We've been very unhappily married for many years now. I honestly don't know the 'truth' about why, but for my part, I accept any and all responsibility for my own actions and inaction.
On October 11 this year (a little over two months ago) my wife kicked me out of the house. The actual events of that day were that she was on her cell phone in the backyard with someone having a happy and personal conversation, and I was trying to eavesdrop and find out who it was. Eventually I went out and confronted her and she wouldn't tell me, wouldn't show me her cell phone, and told me that it was 'none of my business'. At which point I said that I didn't have a place in our marriage anymore and feigned leaving to go pack a suitcase. She never tried to stop me, so I left my suitcase and just left in the car.
A couple of hours later I came back and as soon as I showed up she told me I had to leave. So, I did. I lived in a hotel for a week, and now have a one bedroom apartment.
I desperately want to reconcile my marriage with my wife, but I'm not very good at it. I've been making so many of the same mistakes I've been reading about in the Divorce Remedy book, but now I come here to learn the rules, and get advice, and get on with my life (i guess).
My wife says she needs space. She says I don't love her. She says that there isn't anyone else in her life. (But I spent the first week in my hotel trying to hack her facebook password, and did, and saw a chat with another man that bordered on a sexchat, kind of.) She has said over and over that there is no one else, and that the man on the phone in the backyard that day was a different guy from the chat on facebook. (I told her I hacked her account and told her to change all of her passwords.) But she still says there is no one else.
She says she wants more. More out of life. A boat. To be happy. A better house.
I've been an alcoholic. I've gained weight. I've pushed her away. I know that I've done a lot of things over the years to be a bad husband, but I've never cheated on her, and I've been a good father to my children. My kids love me.
Anyway...I'm kind of rambling and don't know exactly how much I should share in this first post without being way too overwhelming for anyone who may actually take the time to read it.
I think my wife may be going through a mid-life crisis. She may also be having an affair, she may not. A counselor at Divorce Care I've gone too says that I'm the 'left-behind husband' and that she is a 'walk away wife' even though she is in the house and I'm out at an apartment.
She barely speaks to me, and when she does it is only ever about needing something done for the kids. I pick the kids up every morning from home and drive them to school, and I pick them up in the afternoons and bring them home. I work from home, so I can do that. She works downtown now, and that's when a lot of this last stuff started. (It also sounds a lot like a typical story of a man/woman who has an affair, get a new job, meet someone new, affair...bam.)
Anyway. I feel like I'm supposed to do the 'last-resort' technique. Everyone, everyone, I mean everyone I talk to says I need to move on and give her the space she needs. But, man I'm no good at it. Plus it hurts like hell. But I'm willing to learn.
Last night we had our school's Christmas recital for our two youngest children. I went, and met my wife there. I dressed nice. I tried to look and act upbeat (as much as I could without over doing it) but I didn't talk to her unless she spoke to me. When she talked I looked her directly in the eyes with a calm, nice face and would answer her question in a short few words then went back to watching. For an hour and 50 minutes we mostly sat there in there in silence with her sitting with her legs crossed away from me, her arm closest to me up on her knee against her chin, and her body turning away from me. (Building a wall from me) At the end of the last song, I stood up, told her goodnight, and left.
And now today, I'm just trying not to contact her at all unless she contacts me.
I really apologize about this long post, and I truly thank anyone in advance for reading my mess, and offering any insights, help you can. I'm new, but plan on being her often.
