She's thinking of leaving again2

[Scrant]

Thanks Sotto. We've spoken briefly and arranged to meet up Sunday morning. I'm working through all the figures to have a clear proposal about how to reorganize the accounts. I don't think we will be going to L, neither of us want to. So far we're keeping everything amicable as we both want the best for our son. I doubt she'll hint at coming back, it's not her style. She sounded quite subdued on phone. Later I texted her to say S and I were going out for a run on Sunday morning and I'd contact her afterwards and to enjoy her office Xmas lunch she texted back thanks. I know she wants more contact with both of us to keep the family illusion and she always sounds grateful when I get in touch but I'm keeping it to a minimum because it won't help me. She keeps asking about her birthday lunch and he is getting annoyed. I haven't asked him what he is going to do, up to him. Who knows what she is thinking? I'm not going to ask! She'll tell if and when she is ready. I have to live as if she isn't coming back. If her relationship fails then we'll see.

[Scrant]

This will be our longest time together since the first few weeks. I've kept my distance and conversations/texts to the minimum. If conversation turns to how are you, what are you doing? etc which she normally asks, what is the best way to respond? Is it ok to admit my feelings haven't changed but hey I'm moving on with my life? To still show concern and affection for her even if I don't ask or show interest in her current life? After all she knows I'm not going to spend Xmas and New Year with her. I've turned down the chance of the birthday lunch in family with her. I'm calmer these days and more detached but obviously I still love her.

[Fogg]

I might avoid asking her too much about how she's doing and about life. If she asks about you, you can keep it short and simple, respond in a good tone and be vague with your answers.

I also don't think there's anything wrong with being concerned for her but don't go over the top asking her questions and talking. Your position, if you haven't stated it before, can be said. I wouldn't say it everytime you see her either, that just gives us LBS'S an excuse to keep reminding them were holding on. But moreso you show your position through actions, you love her but you really are moving on with your life.

Basically you love her from afar now. She choose this and you can't be there for her emotional needs any longer.

[Sotto]

W - How are you?
S - Pretty good thanks. How are you doing?

W - What are you doing?
S - I've been pretty busy. Went to a great cookery class last week, and joined a couple of Meetups. (Change to a safe subject) how's work going?

W - How do feel about us?
S - Well, I would never have chosen for our M to end, but I respect your choice if that's what you want.

W - I'm not sure how things will work out with OM. But I need to see where this goes. I understand if you don't feel you can wait for me.
S - I hear what you're saying. I don't plan to put my life on hold while you have an extramarital R with someone else.

W - OM's a bit mean to me sometimes actually
S - Is that so? I can't offer a friendly ear to you WRT your R with OM. I'm sure you'll understand.

W - Do you miss me?
S - Of course there are things I miss about us being together - we had some good times.

W - I think it's for the best. I know you and S will be fine.
S - Well, this would never have been my choice, but I'm moving forward and I know I'll be okay. I'm sure we'll both carry on being there for S.

W - Do you still love me.
S - I haven't stopped loving you. But I respect your choice if our M is no longer what you want.

W - Would you like us to be together again?
S - As I said, I haven't stopped loving you. But I'm not interested in a R with anyone where there is a third party in the mix.

I would have a good look at the validation and boundaries cheat sheets and I would also think of some safe subjects to fall back on if you want to make convo. Work, what S is up to, the weather, cooking duck, other fun social things you have done, and so on.

Also, do try and limit yourself to an hour and don't try and extend the time with her...have someone call you after an hour if needs be...

Plus, I would consider the L advice, even if you privately consult someone for your own peace of mind....up to you of course though.

Hope this helps xx

[Scrant]

Thanks for all the advice. There's plenty to think about there. I'll do my homework before the meeting. Sotto thanks for the ideas , especially on love which the hardest thing to express in the right way. She rang me about S's dentist and we chatted for a few minutes about the various options. When she said bye, I replied Bye, love. Force of habit and I'm not going to worry about it!

[Scrant]

We met up today to talk it all through. It took a while but had to be done. She commented on how good I was looking. We talked for a long time about how to sort out the finances but when I asked did she trust me to be fair she said yes with moist eyes and basically gave me control of the situation. Later I told her some of the things I and S have been doing and she cried a little. I asked what was wrong and she said nothing. I said I didn't have too long as I was going out for lunch with her aunt. She complained first about one of her friends letting her down to which I made no comment then she talked about the problem she has with S. She showed me her texts with S and despaired of how he talks to her. I looked sympathetic but didn't offer to help. When we left she stopped at her car and asked how Was I? I said I still loved her, wished things were different but was moving on with my life and gave her a kiss on the cheek goodbye. She hugged hold of me and cried on my shoulder for a long time befor kissing my neck and saying goodbye. I smiled gently and walked away to have lunch. Not going to read too much into it but despite all that has happened I did feel sorry and sad for her.

[Fogg]

Well done scrant, you did alot of things right in that interaction. You don't need to fix the issues of her life. Those are things she needs to figure out on her own. You can validate her feelings if shes giving you a chance to respond, but if shes just talking away you can just listen.

[Scrant]

Thanks Fogg. It has left me a bit confused but one thing I've learnt from all the stories here is I can't do anything to change her. I can only be the best me I can and see what the future brings for both of us.

[Scrant]

Texted me to meet lunchtime at one of the banks. Things moving on quickly but it is better to have everything clear. DIt shouldn't affect the possibility of a future R or not. I'm sure she won't repeat her behavior of yesterday. Time tobe strong again. Really looking forward to going away for a week tomorrow. Clear my head.

[Sotto]

Hi Scrant, it sounds as though you handled that pretty well my friend. It's no bad thing if she wants to move things forward. Getting financials settled will be a good thing for you and S in all circumstances. I took the stance of pushing forward on financials, but was unwilling to file for D.

You've told your W you love her and I think that's okay. Now you have done that, best to settle in for some more solid DBing. I don't think it pays to repeatedly tell someone ILY. However, for me after months of solid DBing, I let my H know that I loved him and that D wasn't my choice. He did decide to file after that, but that's on him and I feel (relatively!) at peace with how things have progressed since then.

So, time to get the financials resolved and make some solid GAL plans for 2016. Try not to look over your shoulder - back isn't the way you are going - and leave your W to live the path she has chosen. In the much longer term, who knows how things may play out.

I think you are doing well Scrant, for so early in the process. That says a lot about your own strength and stability when in crisis I think. Good for you.

Take care my friend xx