Last May, my husband of 17 years wrote me a letter saying he realized I was having an affair, we had grown apart, and that the relationship was over. I freaked out: first, an affair was the farthest from my mind. Second, we were undergoing a really stressful time with the kids, and we knew that it was going to be a rough school year last year. He said, "never mind. I misinterpreted things. Forget I said anything."
I spent the summer replaying every significant moment of our relationship, processing how we could have gotten to such different places. I did this on a road trip with my children, but wrote my husband many emails about why I thought we had grown apart, looking to reestablish an emotional connection that had waned due to stress about the kids.
At the end of August, he went on a business trip. On his way out of town, he wrote me an email that said, "this isn't working. I thought things would get better, but they haven't. I'm not in love anymore. You are great. It isn't you. It's me."
I found out later that he was having an affair while I was gone...and still is, albeit long-distance. He also has been working out, staying out late, changing his appearance, getting back into activities he had enjoyed prior to knowing me. He says, "You have been a great wife. Our 21-year relationship (17 years of marriage) is nothing I regret. One just gets to the end of an era and it is time to move on. I want us to be close, and of course, plan things for the kids. I want us to do holidays together. You are wonderful..." etc., etc. He did not tell me about the affair, but others did--and I know for a fact it is real. I confronted him..he says it is a symptom of the loss of his love, but that happened before--really about two years ago, when I said something that offended him that he took personally and decided that the relationship was over, emotionally (no idea what, because he won't tell me, as it is "ancient history" and will "make it sound like he is blaming me, which he isn't").
Now, he is buying a new house, separate from us. The children don't know about this yet--he wants to wait until after Christmas. He wants "freedom" and "knows he is being selfish" but is tired of all the responsibilities of being married/taking care of the family. (His new house, which he/we can barely afford, but could with some serious belt-tightening, closes 12/30.)
On the other hand, he is super friendly. We don't argue. He is jovial around me and the kids. He wants to move into a new house and come over regularly to help out around the house (assuage his guilt?) and take care of things. He "loves being a family" but isn't "feeling the whole man-wife, in-love thing" anymore...and a person "has to follow their emotions." The children have NO idea anything is wrong, except that mommy has been a bit emotionally erratic lately--mostly when he is not around (which has been a lot more frequent than normal).
I've read the Divorce Busting book several times. I don't know what to do except Get a Life (which I have, and he's noticed: "Your growth is amazing! You are handling this so well! You are a Woman with a capital W!"
In the meantime, I don't have any idea what 180s to try. I don't know how to "see what works" because his behavior is confusingly friendly/jovial/supportive. He wants to watch Christmas movies together as a family. He wants to go see the new Star Wars movie tomorrow night together. (I haven't accepted every invitation.) He wants to sleep in the same room/bed until he leaves, and is open to physical intimacy (if I want). I've started to work out. I go out with friends. When at home, I hang out in a different part of the house than we always did before, often with the kids, but not always, and draw (new!), paint (new!), write (new!) or read. Periodically, he invites me over to the TV room, offers to make me a drink and for us to watch something we both enjoy together. He says he LOVES doing that...
Should I pretend everything is ok? Please give me ideas of what to do to "do something different." Do the "after the last resort" technique? I don't know! Ideas?
