Well, you did some good things! You're working on those 180's, you called her attention to something that matters to you, and you've held your ground.
I'm afraid that you've called the present situation correctly - she is one very stressed WAW! I'm sorry to hear FIL is in the hospital, though. That's tough. Are your kids aware of the circumstances?
I'll join you on the DBing for life, even though I'm not sure where it will lead. At the end of the day, I have to be at peace with myself - and I think this is the best way to achieve that.
thanks for checking in. Your sitch is so much more than mine but you give yr love to those in need on these boards - I would give you a DB Medal of Honor x
Kids are blissfully unaware offer sitch. The only question I have been asked is why I am sleeping in the spare room ' because I snore too much and W needs to get her sleep '. They know GF is in hospital but not the gravity of it.
Xx
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Just letting you know I have been reading your sitch, you are doing very well with DBing. It does help me to read how things are going on for you. Keep posting.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
Thanks for checking my sitch, I will be keeping an eye on yours too.
Today started well as W phoned me early just to vent about a mom of S11's best school buddy. We do a lot of favours for this mom and her boy and this morning W asked her for a small favour and was rejected - the other mom was 'too busy'. W rang me 'just to rant' - in her words. She knows I am supportive, a good listener and have been for years. She knows she can ring me ' just to get it off my chest'
But this afternoon W spoke on the phone to the consultant looking after FIL. It's bad news. Her Father is too ill to have a bronchoscopy and the consultant suspects advanced lung cancer. There is no treatment available and it's possible he will not come out of hospital again. He is 80 and deteriorating.
W was very very upset of course. Ironically, the mom she ranted about in the morning , came over to drop her son at our house - they had a school half day. W lost it and sobbed and sobbed on this moms shoulder for 25 minutes. The other mom stepped up and collected our S8 from school.
I was working away and didn't know a lot about it until the evening.W rang me to ask what time I would be home and tell me the news. I had a 4 hour drive home and I think W spent a lot of that time ringing her sister and mother to tell them the news. SIL is devastated. MlL a little less.
By the time I got home W was emotionally drained and barely accepted a hug from me. I just want to show her my love in her hour of need - this is so so hard.
It was late when I got home and we had about 90 mins before bed. W was so drained and just wanted to watch TV. I offered her a shoulder/ neck rub which she accepted. I asked for feedback and she told me which bits were good and very good. She especially enjoyed the soft neck rub.
So the future is uncertain. W has her birthday on Saturday and is due to go out both Friday and Saturday nights, first with School moms and then on her bday with her best GFs. She is down and feels she shouldn't go out enjoying herself when her father is so ill. I said you can not halt your life even for this.
Sunday we planned to see Star Wars as a family - but she might go to see FIL in hospital - we shall see.
In the medium term - her Father might die any time over the next few weeks or months - it will be traumatic for her and her sister and mom. I need to be her rock. I so badly want to show her my love, but can't . I can be supportive and offer her a shoulder to cry in - that is all and it stinks
Last edited by isittoolate; 12/17/1511:49 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
W was awake very early at 5:45 she came to my room ostensibly to tell me her plans had changed. She wants to go see her father and family today . She is going to work early then leaving early to visit family.
She was weeping slightly, I tried to comfort her with a hug but she backed away saying it would make her worse. Later over the breakfast table she opened up a little about her feelings for her father. She mentioned the long buried sexual child abuse she suffered - on the scale of abuse it was probably 2 out of 10 but nevertheless she hated him for years especially after our S11 was born - how could a father do something like that to an innocent child.
She said she had counselling after s8 was born - I think for post natal depression but she now also says it was about our MR. The counselling sessions helped her forgive her father but she always felt guilty that he might abuse another child - he was accused by someone in church - again he was accused of the least serious form of child abuse which I am guessing is touching .
She is shocked and confused at her feelings for him now - she is devastated that her has gone from 'well' to terminally ill in 3 weeks and might not survive until he New Year.
I'm trying to support her as much as possible but also not smother her . Be the rock, support don't smother, take care of the kids so she has as much time with her family as possible. It's hard as I want her to come to me and I want to show her I love her and care deeply for her.
It's also her birthday weekend. She might still go out for a little while tonight to say hello to the school mums but it won't be a big night out. Tomorrow I think she will get p1ssed with her GFs.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
A long day being dad taxi for the kids. W went to work then to see her mum, sister and Dad.
She will be back in a couple of hours. FIL is stable in hospital but the prognosis is very poor. W and family just want to get him home for Xmas as it will be his last.
It's going to be stressful for all especially W.
I went to an IC session earlier today. She is also a qualified sex therapist. I told her of my discoveries of w's sex toys and bondage gear and her experimenting with anal sex toys. also I told IC about the sex abuse W suffered as a child. IC said there is correlation between the two. We ran out of time and will explore the theories next time.
As for me, I am v v tired after an exhausting roller coaster week. Too many late nights galling last weekend, following by sex toy discoveries and me spinning, followed by W's fathers deterioration plus the stress of Xmas.
In the cold light of day W will not initiate the next R talk until after FILs future is determined one way or the other. That gives me anything between 3 and 10 weeks to work on me.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
I told IC about the sex abuse W suffered as a child. IC said there is correlation between the two. We ran out of time and will explore the theories next time.
There's also a correlation between child sexual abuse and promiscuity/adultery.
Get a better recording device and try to record her on her birthday. IF there is currently an OM anywhere he's going to come out of the woodwork to support your wife during this grievous emotional time AND to celebrate her birthday. That thumb drive thing sounds like garbage. Get a bigger legitimate voice activated recording device and velcro it under her seat.
My best guess is it's likely she had a couple of sexual only liaisons with a good friend experimenting with some bondage stuff or whatever. Your wife bought sex toys last summer and didn't tell you about it. That's a pretty big red flag. These aren't personal devices...this was stuff to be used with someone. If I'm right, she's never going to tell you herself and the lie will continue to create a huge intimacy wall in your marriage. Try to get the truth yourself. She's got to talk about somewhere along the line with either the guy OR, most likely, one of her girlfriends.
Get a better recorder - you'd be so far done with this snooping and either got the goods or discovered I was wrong if you'd only just bought a good recorder a month ago.
Side thought - If I'm right doing this is actually helping your wife out. If she's cheated - especially going into S&M stuff with 1 or more other men - AND she's the survivor of child sexual abuse - her self-esteem (no matter how cool she acts) is horrible. She KNOWS she has to tell you in order to have an intimate relationship with you again but she just can't bring herself to out of fear. She already feels worthless - so she behaves worthless. She probably feels you deserve better and she actually feels guilty pushing you away when you are obviously trying so hard. She rationalizes and justifies a lack of attraction for you in order to keep herself from suicide. She's left with either telling you, leaving/divorcing you OR continued stagnation (that you've experienced 1st hand for 3 years now). She vacillates between choices 2 and 3 because option 1, telling you, just doesn't work for her (you'll divorce her and take the kids and/or shame her publicly and never forgive her). She thinks option 1 takes away all options, she'll end up divorced and with all the blame and shame for that divorce.
You NEED to bust her (if I'm right) in order to save your marriage/family.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
GB - w does have issues relating to her childhood and her sexual tendencies. I think she was also promiscuous at university and had many partners most one night stands. Probably 30+. She has had body image problems since childhood, she was quite chubby as a teenager and always thinks she is overweight.
Most of this probably stems from lack of self worth, self esteem from the sex abuse.
Her focus at the moment is on her Father. She loves him, wants the best for him.
This morning her birthday, I took the boys into her room with a cup of tea and presents and cards from the boys and one present and card from me. She had her big present last week.
She opens my card - thanked me and said it was 'nice' - I had no expectations so it's ok.
This morning we are going to the gym as a family, then having family swim time in the pool with W and I maybe in the Jacuzzi for a time. Then a birthday lunch as a family in the gym
At 3 W is having a pedicure and in the evening W is going out with her best GFs.
She should have a nice day.
Tomorrow we are going to see Star Wars as a family - 3D version in the best seats - should be fun.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
1. The picture that W bought 3/4 weeks ago has been delivered. It cost $1000 and she bought it without asking me. 'its my money, I can buy it if I want' 'Not sure where to put it maybe my room (the MBR!)'
She calls it 'my picture''my room' Grrr!
Maybe I should refer to the TV I bought last year as 'my TV'?
Reality: If we Separate and D its a shared asset and she will need to give me $500 for it.
2. She sobbed a little this morning when she realized her Bday card from Mom and Dad was probably the last she will get. Next year it will be just mom.
If we separate and Divorce does she not realise that this Bday and Xmas will be the last as a family. Next Year just her and the kids.
3. She bemoaned the fact that she had to spend $500 on her car for repairs in the last week and she is broke this month.
Doesn't she realise if we separate it will cost us $1500 per month in extra rental, and bills??
Just frustrated and venting a little.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
