It feels like so many long-held beliefs are starting to crumble. Recently I broke free (a tiny bit) of my own 'beliefs'. Weight was one of them. If I look in a mirror, I can see parts I adore, but then there are parts i truly hate. I look at my belly and i cringe and hide from the mirror. But, there are parts I think are divine.
But I am not my weight. My belly is simply my belly. If I dont like it, I can change it any time I want. It might be hard, but my weight is not a permanent thing. I used to think I was fat and ugly. It was then I had real problems. Because fat is fixable. Ugly is forever if you believe it is true. You cant go to the gym and sweat out ugly.
You thought fat and sad. The good news is sad is not forever either. You can get instantly happy by watching a funny movie. You can lose a pound this week by working on diet and exercise. So the 2 things you do not want to feel and believe anymore are so easily fixable
I have very very strong doubts that if you lost weight, you would magically find happiness. But if that is what you believe right now, then we can help you get happy.
The truth is, you are already beautiful.
One thing I see over and over again in your posts is you apologizing for posting, or apologizing for feeling like x, or apologizing for thinking a certain way. You have said repeatedly that your problems are so small compared to other people's problems.
This is what I think you need to stop and really look at. No one else in the entire world is going to put your problems over theirs. That is why is it critical that you learn how to place your problems first in your mind. I went through 12 years of catholic school, so I know what I just said sounds just WRONG. The nuns never once told me it was OK to do this. It is not wrong. Just try it with one tiny thing. Grab one of your issues and tell yourself that this issue is more important then my issue. Its OK, I wont get mad. Post it on here or on my thread.
It is a silly stupid baby step, but it is extremely hard to do. You CAN put yourself first. You CAN take care of yourself. You are doing nothing wrong by caring for YOU.
Last edited by Mona52; 12/17/1502:10 PM.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Even though you're still struggling Jelly, I appreciate the fact that the struggle is pushing you to delve further into your own psychology and past. There's still healing that needs to take place and that healing takes both time, honesty, courage, and self care.
Honesty, courage, and self care are far more attractive to me and most men I know than weight or lack there of. I say that as a man who was M to a professional model. A woman so beautiful she made men walk into doors while they stared - and also was insecure about her own looks, terrified as well that when people saw beyond them they also wouldn't like what they found. Everyone has something beautiful they can't see in themselves.
You make people feel beautiful on this very board, that to me is attractive.
Let the weight, the expression of pain that it is, continue to inspire you to look deeper, to open up further. To keep looking at the past and the places where it has you stuck as well as the future and where your fears of it lie.
Like Zeus said, love yourself in the confused messy state that you're in. Even if it's a practice to do so. None of us are in a good spot. This place is like Hogwarts for the broken! We all are trying weird stuff on ourselves, doing things that don't make sense in the moment, learning to love ourselves despite being cast out by the one person we thought we could count on. Everything and anything goes here in DB land Jelly, so give it a try. Love yourself to pieces.
Try happiness on while you're still not at your ideal weight. For some it's how they look in the mirror, for others it's their bank account, others something else. Welcome to the human puzzle.
Your honesty and vulnerability are inspiring my dear, keep putting it all out here and I know you'll get the answers you're looking for.
Big hug,
PP
I hope this doesn't come across too judgemental PP,it says far more about me than it does about you to be sure. And all that follows is assumption.
I would look at a couple like you and your wife and be green with jealousy of what you two would look like as a package. I would assume that your lives were beautiful in every way possible and of course the two of you found each other. Why wouldn't you!
And then I would think well that's not going to happen for me. And it wouldn't. I would never in a millions approach a man like you for friendship or romantically (intelligent, business savvy, goal orientated, fit active, worldly insightful, and likely incrediably good looking) , in fact likely I would avoid you, push myself against the wall hoping that you wouldn't see me at all.
God how judgemental is all of that. I really am starting to realise just how focussed I am on how things look. How did I become this person? Here I was priding myself that I am a very accepting non judgemental person. When in fact it is far from the case.
Oh dear.
Thanks for your words of encouragement PP. (Blushing ever so slightly with embarrassment at my discovery)
Green with jealousy you should have been Jelly, we were picture perfect. Naked we looked like sculptures. Both with advanced degrees, emotional intelligence, and straight teeth. Perfect on paper.
I also needed to get stoned every night, and all weekend, and drink 4 nights a week, and was averaging about 4 hours of sleep. I couldn't go 15 minutes without checking the internet. If we watched a movie together, I was up and moving at least every 10 minutes because I was unsettled. When asked if there was anything bothering me I couldn't answer truthfully. I lied regularly and was sure that my W would leave me any day. I was sure she was going to leave me most days, I just couldn't articulate it.
She was unable to speak of her own unhappiness and had convinced herself years before that the only way to be happy was to be single. She also couldn't sleep next to me. When asked if anything was bothering her she couldn't answer. She lied regularly by omission and then spiritually bypassed any responsibility for her own feelings.
Nothing on the outside is true. I don't care who the couple is, it's not all that it seems. What we had wasn't real, it wasn't all show either. But it wasn't truth. It wasn't honest. It wasn't intimate. We were on each other's sides, but neither of us let the other in 1%. Truthfully I don't think I know my STXW and know for a fact she doesn't know me.
How's that for perfect?! There was nothing about us to envy or be jealous of. I love my W, loved her in my M, but I wouldn't want my old M back by any stretch of the imagination.
It wasn't until this year that I really realized this truth about the externalities of life. Nothing is as it appears, or at least very little. Tiger Woods had a perfect marriage too didn't he? That Jared guy from Subway sure was a great representative for that company, stand up guy that lost a lot of weight.
It would be a pleasure to be friends with someone with your heart and mind. It would be my pleasure. I hope you never hide from anyone or anything again Jelly. The world needs you too much.
Someone recently told me that to deny help was selfish as it denies the person offering to help the pleasure and experience of doing so. That struck me pretty heavily as a reforming co-dependent. Don't deny the world the experience of knowing Jelly, it's our loss in that case.
Big hug, PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
So much wonderful insight is being offered. The amount of talent and intellect and wisdom on these boards is simply amazing. I know, you will be left with so much to ponder on.
I have to say though, I do feel you are the most beautiful poster on here
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Over the last few months I feel I've had some big breakthroughs with acceptance, gratitude, and contentment.
But then I wonder- Am I just feeling sublime because after the torture of the first year after BD, even my normal depressed state feels like a picnic? Is this just a temporary inner peace I'm experiencing as a result of the contrast from the hell I went through? Or will I be able to anchor this perspective and keep it through future hardships? Or is it that even obsessing about this line of questioning is a form of discontent, or even a cause? Then I give up and scurry back to games where there are answers to questions in black and white.
Reminds me of George Carlin:
Some people see what is and ask why. Some people see what isn't and ask why not. Some people have to work for a living and don't have time for that ____.
Maybe there's something there beyond humor. I don't know. My bedtime. I think this post was NyQuil inspired. Love to all DBers, with people as awesome as y'all in this world I know it will all work out ok. Goodnight!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thanks for posting Mona52. I value your opinion highly. I don't know if you have ever seen the movie The Holiday with Jack Black and Kate Winslet. But in the movie Eli Wallach and Kate Winslet's characters have a conversation about women with gumption. You are I woman with gumption. I would never do the description of the word justice , but the scene's appeal to me as a description of women with great "spunk". I hope that word translates appropriately across countries. Otherwise I have likely offended someone. Oooopppss!
Anyway moving on....
Originally Posted By: Mona52
((((JellyB))))
It feels like so many long-held beliefs are starting to crumble. Recently I broke free (a tiny bit) of my own 'beliefs'. Weight was one of them. If I look in a mirror, I can see parts I adore, but then there are parts i truly hate. I look at my belly and i cringe and hide from the mirror. But, there are parts I think are divine.
Mona I am pleased to hear that you have more of handle on this weight issue and are becoming more confident in your own skin. I hope to be able to say the same one day
But I am not my weight. My belly is simply my belly. If I dont like it, I can change it any time I want. It might be hard, but my weight is not a permanent thing. I used to think I was fat and ugly. It was then I had real problems. Because fat is fixable. Ugly is forever if you believe it is true. You cant go to the gym and sweat out ugly.
I don't share this view Mona. My body will not do as it told. My body does not respond to what the normal advice and practices that most people's respond to. My weight story is complex. It is not a mere response of managing calories in and out of doing exercise everyday. I have since age 10 years been on a diet, or controlled eating, or starvation or over training. I have damaged my system. I have been obsessed and working with my weight for a lifetime.
You thought fat and sad. The good news is sad is not forever either. You can get instantly happy by watching a funny movie. You can lose a pound this week by working on diet and exercise. So the 2 things you do not want to feel and believe anymore are so easily fixable
This is a far truer statement for me. I do feel far more able managing my sadness and mood than I do my weight. I can see results from the efforts and strategies I use to manage my mood. Not so much my weight. I feel in a constant battle with my mind and body about letting weight go. We argue and abuse each other, myself and my body around this issue
I have very very strong doubts that if you lost weight, you would magically find happiness. But if that is what you believe right now, then we can help you get happy.
If I am completely honest Mona I don't believe so either. I really did think I would be happy at a size 16. And potentially there is a case for that. I find curves on woman extremely sexy. One of the things I struggle with is the excess skin I have from losing weight so fast with my weight loss surgery. I agree that lots of men do not have issue with a woman's curves. I can say that the men I have I spoken to do struggle with sag and droop
The truth is, you are already beautiful.
Thank you for this compliment - it is hard to hear
One thing I see over and over again in your posts is you apologizing for posting, or apologizing for feeling like x, or apologizing for thinking a certain way. You have said repeatedly that your problems are so small compared to other people's problems.
This is what I think you need to stop and really look at. No one else in the entire world is going to put your problems over theirs. That is why is it critical that you learn how to place your problems first in your mind. I went through 12 years of catholic school, so I know what I just said sounds just WRONG. The nuns never once told me it was OK to do this. It is not wrong. Just try it with one tiny thing. Grab one of your issues and tell yourself that this issue is more important then my issue. Its OK, I wont get mad. Post it on here or on my thread.
Mona you would think that I would be able to do this, and I am going to say something that my clients say to me "I can't" and then I say "so you are choosing not to"...Lol I don't believe it, I don't believe that my experience is more valuable or important than anyone else's. Maybe the key for me is learning that my experience is not any less valuable or important
It is a silly stupid baby step, but it is extremely hard to do. You CAN put yourself first. You CAN take care of yourself. You are doing nothing wrong by caring for YOU.
Mona I have this conversation at least twice per week with the woman I work with. You would think I would know how. My therapist says that because I was never shown that my needs were a priority as a child, I have no road map or sense of entitlement to be taken care of, most importantly I don't know how to do it for myself. Mona its a work in progress
Thank you so much for your thoughts and care Mona. I really do appreciate your kindness.
I have been very fortunate of late to have been provided with so much love and support. I am benefitting hugely from extending myself outside of my introverts cave. I feel very blessed and grateful.
Your comment is humbling, so thank you for letting my know.
I do read your sitch regularly Julie. I don't post as I feel you get such amazing support and guidance from others who are doing the hard work in the trenches and understand and implement DBing far better than I ever could. But please know I appreciate you stopping by my thread.
JB, as I lie in bed, home sick today from work, riding the waves of the DayQuil ocean, I imagine my DB friends with me. Can't you picture it? All of us, in a boat, rocking around on orange waves, purging ourselves of our wounds, all the while drinking DayQuil out of the bottle and watching all of our problems seem to melt away like ice cubes in the sink...
GAL- Check!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues, I think that DayQuil must be extra strength. Hope you feel better Buddy! Try to get some sleep. You are very entertaining when under the influence of DayQuil by the way.
