WW is onboard with trying to save the M

[JGuy]

Time for an update. I have been continuing to have insomnia. Usually I fall asleep OK, but wake up at 5am and can't fall asleep again because of uncontrollable emotional pain and my mind won't stop racing and thinking about my sitch. I also have been struggling with deep tension in my neck that causes headaches. This morning was really bad.

My mind just keeps gravitating back to thinking about how my life has been ruined. All of my hopes and dreams, what I thought my M was, shattered. I find myself wanting to escape, walk away from it all, but because of our son I cannot, will not ever do that. I am trapped, in a bind... stuck in a nightmare that I cannot escape.

I am lucky, some of you must be thinking, that my W has ended all contact with the OM and is engaged in trying to work on the M. But something in my gut tells me that I'm not getting off that easy. You see, my W is not attracted to me. That has not changed. As long as that has not changed, there is no going backwards to how things were before. There is no easy out. Given this circumstance, I'm almost wondering if I'm UNlucky. The fact that my W is ending the EA and trying to work on the M gives me real hope, which puts a pause on the process of completely letting go which I would otherwise be forced to go through. So although I'm lucky, it also interferes with a process of letting go which I feel like I MUST go through if I am ever to win back her attraction.

You see, I have been reading up on detachment again. I have been reading others' threads and I am hearing about how people finally reached a breaking point where they detached, often because they realized there was nothing they could do. In my sitch, I feel very much like there are things I can do. This keeps me holding on, hesitating to let go completely. As a result, I continue to find myself getting stuck in a weird limbo state, where nothing is getting worse but it's not getting better either.

I'm guessing this is probably a good time to go back and revisit my goals. I think I'll do that now...