She's thinking of leaving again2

[Mona52]

Morning Scrant. How are things going?

[Scrant]

2 months today and I feel like I might have taken another step forward. We still share accounts and after receiving a large amount of clothes shopping I decided to analyze our spending since the day she left. I divided into what I considered to be mine, family and hers. She outspent the total family expense by a few hundred and me by 3 to 1. Little of it is to do with cost of setting up her new flat with OM who I assume must contribute as well. I've emailed her the bald details without comment and followed with a second email outlining future costs to pay in January. I didn't even freak out when I saw the one bill for lingerie! Something which I'm sure I would have a short time back. I think after New Year I'll sit down with a proposal for a division of money, taking S as our priority of course. I'm still in love, dream of her coming back but I think it is good to show I'm keeping an eye on everything and am not her fool. We texted civilly enough today to sort out S's Christmas presents. I'm sure she'll find an excuse to come to one of his basketball matches in the next couple of days. Could be an interesting conversation!

[Sotto]

Hi Scranton, that all sounds fair enough, and it's probably a good idea to get things separated sooner rather than later. Ours still aren't - though I don't use our joint account now. It would have been beneficial to me to get financials sorted much sooner and I didn't, thinking it might threaten a reconciliation - but there you go - don't follow my example.

You say it's good to 'show' you're keeping an eye on everything. Please remember that there is no need to 'show' anything like that - only to act in your own and your S's best interests. It's important to make the transition from doing things 'in relation to' her to 'doing them for you.'

That said, it is still early days and I think you are doing well. Stay the course my friend...are you going to learn to cook duck some more different ways??

[Scrant]

Hi Sotto. Perhaps show was the wrong choice of words. I just think it is important that I make her aware that things have changed and what I wouldn't have questioned before, I will now. Things have changed. I am always scared about damaging a reconciliation and I'm still thinking it over. Maybe acting decisively in the New Year would be the way to go. After all,how could things get worse? She is living with OM! She seems to have pulled back on the contact too. Who knows what goes on in her head? I don't know if I am going the right way but I can't try to second guess her.

[dday]

Scrant, split up the Financials asap. I dodnt, and I spent nothing while living with my sis. She would even let me buy food. Meanwhile, my joint account dwindled and then when she fiked we only had 2000 left. She had the checkbook and I trusted her. Then I had to start selling my possessions to pay rent.

You have to protect yourself. It's hard, it [censored], but let her see what it's like without your support.

Sorry to be glum. Just my experience. Be strong and good luck

[Fogg]

I was wondering about you and W's financials but never got around to asking. It seems you both work but she is spending a good deal more than you are from the joint account. How much are each of you putting in though? She cant have OM and a MR with you at the same time and you certainly shouldn't be paying anything that contributes to their relationship. It seems very likely that you are right now and I would be very careful. You mentioned he has financial problems and that's a huge red flag also.

[Scrant]

All our wages go into the same account..She has yet to reply to the emails but that is likely to be because she hasn't opened the spreadsheet at home. She tends to look at stuff at work. I don't know if she'll reply but I just want to try to bring her to her senses and realize we can't maintain the current levels of spending. As I am going to parents for Christmas and later it is all a bit chaotic I'll wait until after holiday period before arranging a meeting with her. Any future division will take into account what she has spent already. I don't know if it will affect any chance of a future R, what does everyone think? Am I going the right way?

[Sotto]

Hi Scrant, that seems reasonable to me. I don't recall seeing anyone regret taking steps to protect financials - but I do recall seeing people regret that they didn't.

The thing to watch for is the 'bringing her to her senses' comments. Like I posted above, best to take the view that you are doing this for yourself and for S alone. Who knows, it may shock her into sanity again...it may not. But it will do what it needs to do, and provide security for you and your S in the face of her splurging on lingerie and treating OM (who may be broke) to a nice dinner.

Good for you Srant, and keep moving forward. I don't thing being robust about financials harms your chance of R at some point going forward, so stay the course my friend x

[Scrant]

She's texted asking when do I want to meet to divide up accounts. I think I'll ring and invite her round today to talk it over. She's taking son to dentist to get an estimate on work on his teeth. Think it is a good chance to talk. I want to be kind, fair but firm. Inside it feels like I'm losing her more but who knows? We are barely in contact at the moment. Who knows how relationship with OM is going? Could be fantastic, could be terrible? Early days for everyone.

[Sotto]

Hi Scrant, that sounds fair enough. If you go ahead with this, best to keep your 'business' head firmly on, and the convo firmly focused on financials.

I would also encourage you to run whatever you provisionally agree via a L before any final signing takes place.

She may not be keen to feel the financial 'loss' and there may be some hints of - oh I was thinking about coming back, but now you're doing this....etc. Resist those.

Look good, smell nice, be pleasant and strong. Avoid R talk, and have somewhere to be after an hour.

Also, have the philosophy of - this isn't my choice, but I'm working with it and I know I'll be okay. And with respect to her - good luck with her chosen path. You wish her well, but wouldn't choose to remain friends (merely coparenting effectively) if she is with someone else.

Best of luck to you xx