Green with jealousy you should have been Jelly, we were picture perfect. Naked we looked like sculptures. Both with advanced degrees, emotional intelligence, and straight teeth. Perfect on paper.
I also needed to get stoned every night, and all weekend, and drink 4 nights a week, and was averaging about 4 hours of sleep. I couldn't go 15 minutes without checking the internet. If we watched a movie together, I was up and moving at least every 10 minutes because I was unsettled. When asked if there was anything bothering me I couldn't answer truthfully. I lied regularly and was sure that my W would leave me any day. I was sure she was going to leave me most days, I just couldn't articulate it.
She was unable to speak of her own unhappiness and had convinced herself years before that the only way to be happy was to be single. She also couldn't sleep next to me. When asked if anything was bothering her she couldn't answer. She lied regularly by omission and then spiritually bypassed any responsibility for her own feelings.
Nothing on the outside is true. I don't care who the couple is, it's not all that it seems. What we had wasn't real, it wasn't all show either. But it wasn't truth. It wasn't honest. It wasn't intimate. We were on each other's sides, but neither of us let the other in 1%. Truthfully I don't think I know my STXW and know for a fact she doesn't know me.
How's that for perfect?! There was nothing about us to envy or be jealous of. I love my W, loved her in my M, but I wouldn't want my old M back by any stretch of the imagination.
It wasn't until this year that I really realized this truth about the externalities of life. Nothing is as it appears, or at least very little. Tiger Woods had a perfect marriage too didn't he? That Jared guy from Subway sure was a great representative for that company, stand up guy that lost a lot of weight.
It would be a pleasure to be friends with someone with your heart and mind. It would be my pleasure. I hope you never hide from anyone or anything again Jelly. The world needs you too much.
Someone recently told me that to deny help was selfish as it denies the person offering to help the pleasure and experience of doing so. That struck me pretty heavily as a reforming co-dependent. Don't deny the world the experience of knowing Jelly, it's our loss in that case.
Big hug, PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
