Even though you're still struggling Jelly, I appreciate the fact that the struggle is pushing you to delve further into your own psychology and past. There's still healing that needs to take place and that healing takes both time, honesty, courage, and self care.
Honesty, courage, and self care are far more attractive to me and most men I know than weight or lack there of. I say that as a man who was M to a professional model. A woman so beautiful she made men walk into doors while they stared - and also was insecure about her own looks, terrified as well that when people saw beyond them they also wouldn't like what they found. Everyone has something beautiful they can't see in themselves.
You make people feel beautiful on this very board, that to me is attractive.
Let the weight, the expression of pain that it is, continue to inspire you to look deeper, to open up further. To keep looking at the past and the places where it has you stuck as well as the future and where your fears of it lie.
Like Zeus said, love yourself in the confused messy state that you're in. Even if it's a practice to do so. None of us are in a good spot. This place is like Hogwarts for the broken! We all are trying weird stuff on ourselves, doing things that don't make sense in the moment, learning to love ourselves despite being cast out by the one person we thought we could count on. Everything and anything goes here in DB land Jelly, so give it a try. Love yourself to pieces.
Try happiness on while you're still not at your ideal weight. For some it's how they look in the mirror, for others it's their bank account, others something else. Welcome to the human puzzle.
Your honesty and vulnerability are inspiring my dear, keep putting it all out here and I know you'll get the answers you're looking for.
Big hug,
PP
I hope this doesn't come across too judgemental PP,it says far more about me than it does about you to be sure. And all that follows is assumption.
I would look at a couple like you and your wife and be green with jealousy of what you two would look like as a package. I would assume that your lives were beautiful in every way possible and of course the two of you found each other. Why wouldn't you!
And then I would think well that's not going to happen for me. And it wouldn't. I would never in a millions approach a man like you for friendship or romantically (intelligent, business savvy, goal orientated, fit active, worldly insightful, and likely incrediably good looking) , in fact likely I would avoid you, push myself against the wall hoping that you wouldn't see me at all.
God how judgemental is all of that. I really am starting to realise just how focussed I am on how things look. How did I become this person? Here I was priding myself that I am a very accepting non judgemental person. When in fact it is far from the case.
Oh dear.
Thanks for your words of encouragement PP. (Blushing ever so slightly with embarrassment at my discovery)
