Thank you everyone ... and yes some very valid points, given the time I have been here and the things I have learned I fell into some of the old "oh no's" here and there over the past couple months and this was a big ol cold bucket of water that made me realize its not over and there is still more work to be done. That being said I knew this was all hitting the fan Sunday night.... mind-reading alert ... I think something sparked her about her brother who is in prison and she started spinning, we had a nice day but that evening was like she was looking for a fight. I had added a bit of pressure 3-4 times over the past 2 months about the sex topic ... that was a mistake on my part and it all came to a boil. Monday morning the "I think we should separate .. I will file D followed by NC (by NC I mean no texting and avoidance at home me on the couch). Tue NC...(All this time I am telling you the urge to snoop/push R talk/all those DB-No-no's were in me but I have learned and knew better... I faked it till I made it and acted like my life was awesome-sauce and the world was Cinnamon .. Wed morning words along with spew/issues ... I DB'd STFU, validated, truth-darted (I pretend I am Arrow with the truth darts as I have become very skilled here virtually stunning her in her tracks at times)and ended off by breaking off and going dark. Wed after work she was actually nice and cordial, S's Christmas show was at 6 so I figured it was her not wanting to fight, she shared some things (things that happened over the past 3 days that she had not told me as we were not talking) ... I went along with things and was reminded this time last year she was full on in love with OM but looked miserable. We had a nice time and went home, I told her good night (again giving her the space she wanted) as I took a nice long walk with the dog and went to bed (Felt like I got a disappointed look as she knew I was couching it again). This morning I went about my routine and went into the kitchen to toss something into the trash where she came up and gave me a hug which caught me offguard to which she replied "we have to get along right?" ... not sure how to take that, maybe its her way of being 'friends as we D' or maybe its the unspoken "I'm sorry for the Crisis-Monster appearing" .... again, poker face for me ... she has been chatty via text to with I have replied in kind. She is off to see her brother Saturday so hopefully this will help things a bit.
My current issue to tackle ... Expectations, I fell into the trap of almost to a point forgetting she is still in this crisis and will be for some time as I fell for the 'We are working on our marriage and its going to be OK' trap. I read another story on MLC where the couple reconciled in 2006, late in 2008 the LBS said something along the lines of "So glad we made it to this point to see our daughter do this (some achievement) and the MLCr broke down in tears, sobbed and apologized for all he had done like it just happened yesterday. I needed to read this, I caught myself wanting to make sure W knew the A and the OM were wrong because it felt like not only did she sweep it under the rug in an attempt to move on .... was like in a way she was almost arrogant about it like it only affected her. So, I made myself an early New Years resolution ... if its something that is bugging me from 2015 its not going to be brought up, I will allow myself 5 min to think it out .. .if its still there I will write it out but I will NEVER share this with W. if its a 2016 issue I will take it as it comes, refer to my boundaries, give it the DB24-48 hour cool off and bring it up in a calm and cool manner as Cali 2.0 is all about now because the cold hard truth ... I have learned all I can from the past 2 years ... holding onto that hot pot now is only going to hurt me more.
As much info there is here ... little comes in the form of Piecing for the MLC-LBS ... and for those in this situation now .. or maybe I am talking to a poor soul who has yet to suffer through this with their spouse and they have found this thread looking for that non-existent magic bullet I have some things I would really like to pass down. Only way I can is to continue to post here and leave some bread crumbs of what I have and continue to learn. Lesson #345345 learned this week .... Sometimes the MLCr will want to reconnect (on thier timeline and on their terms as far as how much and how deep this connection will be allowed to go), in order to ensure you continue to be where they left you ....some of you may have experienced this but even when you are 'back' and living together under the assumption you are 'working on your M', you actually are just where they want you and in my case W is good with having her family back for support but is not ready for 'love or husband and a wife intimacy' that and not able to work on the M as she continues to go through her journey ... working on herself but still pulling that MLC trick of finding things to stay busy and avoid that work. I understand this now, must be exhausting sorting that MLC mess out.
And LT ... yes the health thing I believe is not helping her progress, in fact its adding to the depression. Her memory continues to be horrible to appoint she is alarmed about it, I STFU and listen with the comforting body language knowing I can not tell her its very normal for the MLCr. The constant physical issues ... IC, neck, food reactions ... toss in the STD outbreaks its all she can to to keep it together let alone work out her MLC issues.
So as of now things are at least cordial, I do not think after the space I have given her (its been a busy week for us both allowing for minimal interaction... I continue to GAL) she truly wants to D nor even wants me to move out, but was forced into what she thought was a corner and that's how she has always attacked me knowing its effective. So it woke me up and made me realize I need to really back off and stay there, work on me, no expectations (as hard as that one is at this point) and just let her continue to work things out, realize its not her H that is to blame for her physical and mental health.
