When you find yourself, you'll find that happy Trumpet, I promise!
You cannot be afraid to lose her; you just can't. I understand that feeling of fear, I really truly do because I used to feel just like that.
When I finally realized that there was literally nothing in my power I could do to "make" W come back, I found that freedom. I tried far too hard to control the situation; far too hard. But when I let go and started to become the man I wanted to be, that's when I found my peace. I knew then that no matter what happened, I'd come out of this awful place better, stronger and ready to take the world head on; I was no longer a passenger.
So that's step 1, and that's what detaching is. that's what GALing is. Trumpet has to set goals for Trumpet and you have: you're working on beating your addiction and you're working on getting into shape. What else does Trumpet 2.0 want from his life? Who do you want to be? remember, you can be anything, it just takes work.
There's no set timeline for step 1 and it's kind of a lifelong step if you ask me, including the detaching part because you really truly can't rely on someone else to make you happy. That does't mean you don't make others feel good around you, it just means that you don't let other's moods affect your own.
You can support and detach, You should. Just don't enable that treatment towards you. WSs and WASs don't respect their LBSs, that's a fact. I told W that I was never going back to the M we had before, and I meant it. When it feels like we might be slipping into that again, I call her on it. When it feels like I may be slipping, I call myself.
I don't get to decide her mood; I don't get to decide anything for her. I can only decide my feelings and my reactions to them.
So you do step 1 first, and you do it right and you continue to do it. If she comes around, awesome! If she doesn't, that's not your choice, that's her call. But remember, you still get to make your own call as well
in my sitch, W needed to feel the fear of losing me. She was cake eating big time and my heart wouldn't let me see it. when I finally let the cat out of the bag, so to speak, I'd already made so many changes, that the fear of losing me became very real for her.
You are feeling the fear of losing W right now and that is controlling your actions.
go back over the homework. look at the validation part, look at the detaching threads, read sandi2's advice stuff. there's a thousand great resources here.
