Wayward Wife, my addiction, advice needed

[tl2]

I'm so lonely.

I know. And I'm so sorry. I have been there. Please do things that will get you through that. That's YOUR responsibility to yourself!

She wants the old happy Trumpet, she has said so, but I'm just not there if there is no reciprocation.

Think about that. REALLY think about that, bro. She wants the exact same thing DB actions/principles produce.

I'm going to translate that statement into something more objective:

"My W wants to see her husband as a strong, positive, independent man but I will not be that person unless she gives me what I want first."

Houston, we have a problem! ^^^

Now go and sin no more.

[SciDad]

Look, you don't need to be telling her stuff. Your IC needs to stick to your other problems and not be a MC. She is not over the OM, and probably still contacting him. So, for you to tell her you aren't going anywhere........thinking it will help relieve her guilt, is not going to work. For one reason, she isn't feeling that guilt at the moment. She has to get through the withdrawals before she can possibly start feeling guilty. Right now she's still longing for the OM!

Just STFU and stop telling her all that stuff.

Crap. Don't mean to hijack, but I just realized I've been doing the exact same thing you have for the exact same reason and it's having the exact same effect on my W. I was even going to talk to my W about how I was working on being patient.. I'm an idiot!

OK, now back to you. Remember this is a process with many ups and downs. Take the long view and try not to get caught on every bump and dip in the road. Even keel and stay the course...

[PigPen]

She wants the old happy Trumpet, she has said so, but I'm just not there if there is no reciprocation.

Think about that. REALLY think about that, bro. She wants the exact same thing DB actions/principles produce.

I'm going to translate that statement into something more objective:

"My W wants to see her husband as a strong, positive, independent man but I will not be that person unless she gives me what I want first."

Houston, we have a problem! ^^^

Now go and sin no more.

This. This. And, This!!

Be everything you want to be in a man regardless of how she acts. That's power. That's putting the power dynamic back in your pocket. It's irrelevant how she acts, you're a man and will live your life to the best of your ability with or without her.

[SciDad]

I'm so lonely.

It's sooo hard to show the love of Christ, and care about a person, who doesn't care about you, and tells you that.

My heart hurts with you trumpet! You're definitely not the first person to try reconciliation to soon (guilty as charged), or the 1st person to feel lonely during DB, but we're all here for you.

Also, please listen to tl2 and go back to DB 101. The space she desires is the space you need to detach and work on yourself. I'm not sure how to do it, but stay committed and cordial, without being needy or expecting anything. When you figure out how to do that, please let me know....

[trumpet]

My DB'ing is always more of 'stay away from the W', rather than interact with her.

I can fake it sometimes, and actually succeed some times. It's the times I fail miserably at DB'ing that I realize I'm setting 'us' back.

For the $$$ I'm spending on the IC, they sometimes give you the crappiest advice. I'm going to have to buckle down and finish the DR book, and then re-read it.

[tl2]

My DB'ing is always more of 'stay away from the W', rather than interact with her.

Because everything for you still revolves around her and your attachment to her. Which means you're not DB'ing much if at all.

I can fake it sometimes, and actually succeed some times.

So, specifically, what are you faking, what are you succeeding at?

It's the times I fail miserably at DB'ing that I realize I'm setting 'us' back.

Which means re-reading the book, reading posts, etc. here is all good, but if you're not going to practice it, then you're spinning your wheels. It's like walking around with a really big check that you show everyone, tell them how you got it, what it means to you, etc. But you never put it in the bank or cash it while you can't make a mortgage payment and your car gets repossessed.

Knowledge is power. But you have that now. You don't mainly need more insight, realizations, knowledge, thoughts, etc. You need to find the inner strength to DO so that you may BECOME.

[SciDad]

My DB'ing is always more of 'stay away from the W', rather than interact with her

Trumpet, I agree that it's tough to detach without being distant, to show love without pursuing. But I think that if you hit the sweet spot between these extremes a drastic change can occur (Either in you or in your W).

I also want to mention that DBing is especially tough on those with daily interactions with a spouse. It's far too easy to get caught up in trivial matters or create drama over a minor slight.

[Mowgli]

Been there, done that! Pressure doesn't work.

When you find yourself, you'll find that happy Trumpet, I promise!

You cannot be afraid to lose her; you just can't. I understand that feeling of fear, I really truly do because I used to feel just like that.

When I finally realized that there was literally nothing in my power I could do to "make" W come back, I found that freedom. I tried far too hard to control the situation; far too hard. But when I let go and started to become the man I wanted to be, that's when I found my peace. I knew then that no matter what happened, I'd come out of this awful place better, stronger and ready to take the world head on; I was no longer a passenger.

So that's step 1, and that's what detaching is. that's what GALing is. Trumpet has to set goals for Trumpet and you have: you're working on beating your addiction and you're working on getting into shape. What else does Trumpet 2.0 want from his life? Who do you want to be? remember, you can be anything, it just takes work.

There's no set timeline for step 1 and it's kind of a lifelong step if you ask me, including the detaching part because you really truly can't rely on someone else to make you happy. That does't mean you don't make others feel good around you, it just means that you don't let other's moods affect your own.

You can support and detach, You should. Just don't enable that treatment towards you. WSs and WASs don't respect their LBSs, that's a fact. I told W that I was never going back to the M we had before, and I meant it. When it feels like we might be slipping into that again, I call her on it. When it feels like I may be slipping, I call myself.

I don't get to decide her mood; I don't get to decide anything for her. I can only decide my feelings and my reactions to them.

So you do step 1 first, and you do it right and you continue to do it. If she comes around, awesome! If she doesn't, that's not your choice, that's her call. But remember, you still get to make your own call as well

in my sitch, W needed to feel the fear of losing me. She was cake eating big time and my heart wouldn't let me see it. when I finally let the cat out of the bag, so to speak, I'd already made so many changes, that the fear of losing me became very real for her.

You are feeling the fear of losing W right now and that is controlling your actions.

go back over the homework. look at the validation part, look at the detaching threads, read sandi2's advice stuff. there's a thousand great resources here.

Now go find the Trumpet you want to be!

[trumpet]

I re-read Sandi's 37 list, and then made a copy, and then highlighted all the ones I've blown. I counted half the list.

Where's the emoticon that is hitting his head against the wall?

So, I'll be re-reading this list every day, and hiding my DR book, like usual.

[trumpet]

Mowgli,

Thanks again for the post. Appreciated the viewpoint. I think my loneliness is probably due to withdrawls from the addiction, or maybe magnified because of the addiction. I always had something to fall back on to make me feel 'loved', although it wasn't such a great friend it always said it was. Left me hollow inside.

I did A LOT of DB/180 reading today. It's been really slow at work, so more time to think about my next move(s). Definitely excited about getting a new phone tomorrow, and read up on my tendonitis in my calves/achilles. Hope to be pain free next week so I can get back to running.

Also, tl2 is totally right - it's time for trumpet to grow up. I've always used video games - phone/computer mostly, to escape, and stayed late at work to escape. My wife was always mad I made a choice of work over her and family. I'll be curtailing my extra time at work for a while, and setting boundaries with clients so they know I can't stay late.

I felt great reading and working out - and then fell off the wagon thinking it was time to get working on the marriage. My wife might just be starting to dance. I'll let her do that solo while I dance to my own tune for a while. She'll find me on the dancefloor if she wants to dance together.

Better to sit on the park bench, holding the bread in your hand, waiting to feed our little winged friends, than to run into the flock and scare them away.