Finally had an appointment with my IC last night. She did 2 MC sessions with H and I before he left in August.
I sounded better than I felt. I know in my head all the right things to say. Move forward. Work on myself. Let him go and work on himself. I am living my life without him, but so desperately wish I could live my life with him. My heart still aches for him. He still is the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning.
One interesting question the IC asked me was: " What would you get out of being in a relationship with your H?"
That kind of stopped me in my tracks. In the beginning of our relationship, H gave me love and attention. Then life happened and everything shifted solely on him. His needs, his job or lack thereof, his feelings. If it wasn't about him, it wasn't important. At least that is the way it felt to me. Now, there is really nothing he gives me. Financially and economically he will always be a drain on me. He can barely take care of himself, let alone someone else. Not that I'm looking for someone to take care of me. I wanted a partner! Equal shares, give and take. I never got that with him. I gave and gave and gave and when I needed to take, he checked out.
Back to that answer. I told her, the way heis right now I would get nothing out of it. He is not capable of emotionally supporting me. She mentioned that the only thing that it would give me in his current state is to fulfill my caregiver role. My need to take care of him.
Needless to say, I'm seeing her again in January. I have some co-dependency issues to work out.
I really really love my H. I was married before and had a long term relationship, and I never felt this way before. I don't want to give up on my marriage. I truly believe that a higher power brought us together. Maybe it was to learn and change. I know if we both learn from this and better ourselves, then our marriage can be great. Unfortunately I can only work on myself. He is still lost in the dark.
Judy,
I gave and I gave to the point where my body gave out on me. My finances crumbled and it seemed hopeless at times. I'm on the up swing now. I had some very dark days and I'm sure there will be more. I'm fortunate that my H was never malicious and mean even in the worst of times. He just detached and withdrew into himself. As angry and hurt as I was, I understand him better now. I empathize and sympathize with his struggle, but am now removed from that.
I know things are difficult for you. You still live together, you have children together and the always present chronic illness overshadows everything.
Have you told him exactly what you said here? You want to move out, you want to get your own place, but he is preventing it. I hope your hearing goes well and you make it through the holidays unscathed.
On a positive note, plans have been confirmed for an early holiday celebration. H, his mom, my D and I are going to watch Star Wars on Monday and then head to Mandarin for dinner. A bit of geeky normalcy back into our lives. My D is apprehensive. She adored my
