I would like to explore some of your beliefs on weight. By the way I am a Catholic too. So I get some of the Catholic guilt.
So only the thin and the beautiful can be happy?
Or is it that being thinner and beautiful is just the prequiste to be happy?
Extending this
Can Jellyb only be happy if she is thin?
Is keeping the weight the obstacle to happiness or the rationale for staying unhappy? Are you saying If I hang on to my weight then I can say that is why I am unhappy?
What would happen if you lost the weight?
Could you compromise with yourself, lose say half of it then reevaluate? Say you are doing it for your health, rather than your happiness?
What exactly is possible for you in this?
Do you think this is the reason sweet sadness has become more vocal of late, so you can't ignore her, is she encouraging you to change and uncomfortable about the fact she would like more. I certainly think so, all of your posts in the above are so obviously fight backs against the shift. It's going to happen, embrace it.
V
V,
I'm stumped, I feel resistance, I feel like a petulant child stomping their feet at your questions. I am laughing at myself as I write this, because I know there are goodies under these feelings.
I don't think I really want to know the answers (I do but I don't). Imagine if this was it. A final letting go. Scares the bejeezes out of me.
Oh dear V, have we finally found my archilles?
JellyB XXX
V, I'm just going to type and see what comes out. Hopefully you will be able to make some sense of it. I hope that some of my deeper feeling and thinking will come out unedited, completely organic.
When I think about being thin, or slim, and I mean think, there is no feeling of being my ideal weight. I no sense of it. I have struggled with guided meditations, and visualisation work because I cannot get an image in my head of what I would look like at my ideal weight.
I have never been my ideal weight I have nothing to contextualise it. When I had my op, I said to myself if I only get to a size 16. I will be happy. And I was for a time, very happy. Life was exciting and I travelled and met people and had adventures. I was confident taking risks, backing myself. I still struggled socially, but feeling accepted, feeling normal, not feeling like that fattest person in the room. Which is something I do in every room I walk into, I scan the room to find out if I am the biggest person in there.
Something about looking like everybody else seems to be important. Looking normal, feeling typical.
There is something about allowing myself to become so obese says to me that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I feel possibly that looking so broken on the outside everybody assumes I am broken on the inside. or rather can see how broken on the inside I am .
There is something about my father not loving me, never seeing me, never treating me kindly. He ignored me basically, treated me like I was invisible. He would talk past me to my sisters, when I was 7 he threw my favourite doll in a fire while I standing there , telling me i didn't need it anymore, that I was too old for such things. There are other things too. I wondered what it was about me that made me so unlovable.
So I was good. I mean really good. Somewhere as a small child, being good became important. And that meant not being seen, because my presence seem to agitate and upset him. The only time my father would engage with me, was around how much food I put in my mouth. So of all the things my father talked to me about was food. My father was a great provider of food . Food was love in our household. Being a sick kid I was incredibly thin and my mother spent the first part of my life trying to get me to eat. From age 10 my mother was trying to get me to stop eating so my father would stop picking on me. My father would provide copious amounts of food on the table and then verbally barrel me for eating too much.
That likely doesn't answer your questions V
I guess if fat is unhappiness then thin must equal happiness right.
Can Jellyb only be happy if she is thin? I think this might be the case V.
Is keeping the weight the obstacle to happiness or the rationale for staying unhappy? It's the obstacle
Are you saying If I hang on to my weight then I can say that is why I am unhappy? No this isn't true for me
What would happen if you lost the weight? I feel like I would worry less, life wouldn't feel like such a struggle, I wouldn't ever think about my weight first before I did anything. I feel like I wouldn't be so shy and pensive. So appeasing , so accommodating. I feel I would take more risks, more chances, live life more in the moment. I feel like finally the outside would match the inside work I have been doing for so many years. I would feel entitled to all the things that thin people have. (oooohhh this a bit scary hearing myself say that)
What exactly is possible for you in this? I don't know V. I feels like an impossible dream. It feels like (and remember this is not rationale and I don't believe in a vengeful or judging God or higher power) that somewhere at sometime I did something so bad that everyone around me gets to have love, babies, family, money, freedom, and I get well I get to be every one's cheerleader. Happy for everyone else who gets these amazing rewards in life.
My life isn't terrible, my life is good and it's solid. I have a great family, I have good friends, I have good job, I make ok money. I never go without. My life feels like a sepia coloured photograph, or like someone has turned the colour down and there isn't any vibrancy and passion and abundance. I guess in some stupid way I think being thinner will bring that to my life.
As for sweet sadness, she is likely a rebellious teenager right now, tired of the constraints over an protective parent who won't let go.
I don't know Lady V. That's all I got tonight. That was pretty rough going getting that.
