I generally know how fabulous woman are. I am one, I grew up in a household full of woman,, my mother is amazing, my sisters are both strong and independent, I went to an all girls catholic secondary school, exposed to strong working nuns, I work in an all female environment and I work with mostly women as clients.
And then I come here and I get this amazing sense of masculinity and male vulnerablity, emotionally strong and dedicated men and a perspective and viewpoint on the world that is wholly humbling and disarming.
Thank you lovely DB men for all you bring to us here on the boards and what you bring to your families.
Please excuse this stream of consciousness. There are myriad of feeling and thoughts traveling around my brain that need some sorting. And the attempts I am making to order them is providing limited relief or clarity.
This is about posting! This is why we post, if we aren't honest and put our thoughts and feelings down. Just because we think feel or believe something doesn't make it true. It just makes it a thought feeling or belief that appears valid at that time.
So I am befuddled and confused about so many things at present.
You say that as if it's a bad thing. It isn't growth comes from facing the pain based in reality.
What if everything I thought I knew about myself and about my relationships with Mr M and Mr Ex was not in fact right. What does that mean?
It means that some things you knew weren't right. I question the word "everything", that is black and white thinking. It could be that you can research errors in thinking and dissect a couple of your posts. What in these posts are true.
This body image stuff has really started to f**k with my head and I'm not sure why.
I think you do. In my view it's because you are starting to dump the excuses. It has become your reality that if you have extreme self care, this includes your physiology, it includes aspects such as your weight. It's complex as PP says. His advice is rock solid and he has insight into the affects of FOO.
You have accepted your childhood abuse as part of you, you have come to terms with the fact this is your reality. There is no denial as to its effects. You have begun to heal, you have reachEd a point of recognising when these feelings and obstacles arise, when your sweet sadness emerges that extra care is needed. That is part of the true Jellyb.
When you and I first chatted you believed you were irreversibly mentally ill, and wanted that label to make sense of you. Instead you accepted the part which was FOO damaged. Tough choice and a much harder path than meds.
I feel I have sorted all of this into tidy boxes and classified and catalogued and ordered. I feel like someone has walked in a grabbed every single box and turned them upside down in the middle of the room.
Thank goodness for that! That is how it is and you might want to make this your new comfort zone.
I am confused about what I have been doing for the last 14 months. If I don't understand anything of what has happened in last 33 years, who would?
Can you accept the confusion as part of life.
I read Zues letter to newcomers. And Im reading it and I am thinking , I don't have that level of clarity about my role in my relationships ending or my partners role in it. I just assumed it was all my fault and I think I stopped there. Rationalizing, imagining, creating wonderful reasons why it's always, my fault.
And is it always your fault? What is 'it' that is always your fault?
I look at all those that came to the board at the same time I did. I see the immeasurable growth, wisdom, clarity and calm they possesses. And wonder what pill did I miss out on that I am still here wondering how to do this thing, we call growing and changing.
Really 'all' of them? When you find the pill save one for me. Why do you have go at others pace? What happened to those that left?
Why am I so committed to ways of being and thinking that make me so very unhappy.
Are you committed? Or are you trying to release?
Why am I clinging to a story of pain and heartbreak.
Are you? Or is the weight the thing you are hanging on to as a protective?
When there a much happier, lighter story to be told and lived. What am I so scared of?
So what are you scared of? Being thinner? What is it about being thinner that is so scarey? Are you afraid of being successful.
I feel indulgent asking these questions while others are still in the midst of so much pain, with greater losses to be had than what I have been through. But even that makes me think. There are so many people who have grown through far deeper tragedies and heartbreak than mine. And yet they experience their lives with such authenticity and joy.
And there are those who don't!
Something is not right in the state of Denmark.
I have dreams and wants and wishes and I am so scared of saying them aloud. Of even having them. I deny my own voice. I ignore. What is the price of ignoring yourself?
Ahhhhh, light bulb Jellyb. You deny your own voice, I don't believe you deny it, it's just you don't heed it. You ignore sweet sadness, until she is so pervasive you have to listen to her. If you addressed her earlier in the cycle, as I do with my parts then the voice gets so that you must pay attention. You could choose to do that, to take care of yourself. Extreme care and this is part of it.
Have I evolved, grown, changed over this 14 months. I don't know. I can't say with any confidence that my internal or external life is any different. Or is it? Am I so accustomed to ignoring anything good in myself that I wouldn't recognise if it bit me on the bum.
There is one very easy way, go back and read your early posts. With two pencils or the highlight feature extract the key sentences. Then compare them to now. In two column before and after.
I know there are qualities I have the make for a good partner. But I am so scared of more rejection I can't accept, won't accept that someone could actually see them. I am a theory only kind of woman. In theory I have all the qualities that any good solid man would want, and desire and be happy to have. In practice, maybe not so much.
This is mind reading. Judging that which others might think about you. What is more important is what you think of them
I am perplexed, annoyed, scared, frustrated, confused, overwhelmed...where to from here?
OK you have the full range of emotions.
I need a plan because I am probably the most lost I have been in 14 months, and I'm not sure why. I'm not sure where to start. I should probably know.
Really? Shouting on yourself? Jellyb you wouldn't let the rest of us do that.
Help
I will if I can.
PS: Please forgive my indulgent navel gazing, but all this kinda hurts.
--------------------------
More to come.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I would like to explore some of your beliefs on weight. By the way I am a Catholic too. So I get some of the Catholic guilt.
So only the thin and the beautiful can be happy?
Or is it that being thinner and beautiful is just the prequiste to be happy?
Extending this
Can Jellyb only be happy if she is thin?
Is keeping the weight the obstacle to happiness or the rationale for staying unhappy? Are you saying If I hang on to my weight then I can say that is why I am unhappy?
What would happen if you lost the weight?
Could you compromise with yourself, lose say half of it then reevaluate? Say you are doing it for your health, rather than your happiness?
What exactly is possible for you in this?
Do you think this is the reason sweet sadness has become more vocal of late, so you can't ignore her, is she encouraging you to change and uncomfortable about the fact she would like more. I certainly think so, all of your posts in the above are so obviously fight backs against the shift. It's going to happen, embrace it.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/16/1509:47 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I know exactly why I'm overweight, and it absolutely ties in to both childhood issues (molestation) to begin with, and then a sexual assault as a young adult. I feel safe and invisible behind the layer of fat. I get far less male attention, and it makes me so much less fearful of strange men. People overlook me unless I open my mouth, so I kind of feel like I'm exerting a wordless kind of control in any kind of public setting. Unless I speak, or call attention to myself in some way, I can observe the room and scope it out, so to speak.
But in the end, the "safety" has crippled me. I've suffered heart failure. My H no longer looks at me with the same desire he once did, and I truly believe it was part of his problem with me. I cannot be as active as I want. I sit out activities I once would have embraced. I'm allowed to be a hermit if that's what I wish, even in public.
Losing the weight is going to be tremendously difficult because of the permanent damage to my body carrying it around for so long has created. That damage is my first and foremost motivation for stopping this behavior, right now. Any activity is painful, and I'm going to have to work through that to get where I need to be.
I've also suffered from some truly hurtful interactions with people who are completely ignorant about the complexities of weight gain. In spite of the fact I gained it on purpose (not knowingly - but I certainly have always had the tools and knowledge necessary to correct it if I'd wanted to) those words have really hurt. The loss of my H's love and desire for me has crushed me emotionally. I'm going to have to deal with the fact, finally, that family members I deeply love were pedophiles. I've struggled with that ever since I became aware. How can I love someone so evil? As the weight comes off, I know I'll have to work through all the emotional pain and trauma along the way.
I've never learned how to cope with unwanted attention in an effective manner, because I hid away instead. I'm assuming I'll still be attractive when the weight is gone - and there I'll be - 50 years old and clueless when it comes to dealing with advances I don't want. Of course, learning boundaries like I have here on DB is going to be a huge help to me when that day arrives.
I have a feeling that I'm going to have a struggle with a LOT of things as I shed both the pounds and the feelings I was stuffing away with them as they all start falling away. I'm dreading it in a way - but I am determined. This is not the life I wanted, crippled emotionally and physically. I'm blessed beyond measure to even have a choice - I need to embrace that blessing and make the most of it.
I'm going to do it, though. I've already lost almost 50 pounds, which leaves me 100 to go. I cannot believe I just confessed that! Only here with you, Jelly. My weight gain is at once a blessing and a curse. I've hidden away and been protected, but I've also been deeply ashamed the entire time. This duality has not been good for my state of mind.
Until recently, I wasn't fully aware that I'd gained on purpose - but now that I've seen it - well, it's time to do something about it. I love V's words: "Once you know, you can't unknow." Even in this situation, the words speak true.
So Jelly, I'll be working on this issue right along with you. I'll probably open up more about it as I progress, but I really wanted to reach out to you and let you know you are not alone.
Most of my life I've struggled with feelings of insufficiency. It directly impacted my M, because I was needy and looked for constant validation from XW because I had a hole in my heart (ditto for her, it was a strange dynamic).
Couple of breakthrough moments for me. One was 7 years ago. I was trying to become good enough at pool to win the US Open and it was starting to look like that wasn't going to happen in my life. I saw this 16 year old Chinese player win the world championship, and I started getting really down on myself. I KNOW that I had put in more time on the table, and more work on my game than he had. So the idea that I was improving and would someday get there was really hard to believe anymore. It was starting to look like I just didn't have what it took, and that I would never get to the top...Then I realized that if I had to travel halfway around the world and find a phenom from China to compare myself to in order to feel insufficient, maybe I wasn't worthless. I started to laugh about that. I realized that if I wasn't able to feel good about the level I played at now I might as well quit, not because I couldn't get better, but because getting better wouldn't do anything if I couldn't be satisfied with what I've been given.
Similarly in DBing, my mantra has been that if I look at the sky and curse God because I don't have the M I wanted, despite having healthy children, many gifts, passions, and family all around me, then I would've been miserable anyway because if my life that I have isn't good enough than nothing is.
Now, that's logic. Feelings don't always follow logic. But feelings can come from thoughts, and those were good ways to shut down that way of thinking. Trust me, no matter how good you make your body look, there will always be someone that would make you feel self conscious. We all know beautiful women that are self conscious. Easy to think that wouldn't be you, you'd be satisfied at that...but the reality is that if you aren't satisfied now then trading bodies wouldn't change that.
As for my take on beauty, of course looks matter...they matter in terms of prejudice, first impressions, and in some cases in physical attraction. But prejudice and first impressions don't matter once you get to know someone. And physical attraction I've found to be very subjective. Take XW. She's a bit overweight, and her face is a touch homely maybe. But when I met her I thought she was a sweet girl. I got to know her. And we started a family. Once she was my W, and the mother of my kids, all I could see were her deep eyes, her voluptuous curves, the tender small of her back. I looked to her to meet my innermost needs, and as she did we bonded and she truly looked to me the most beautiful woman in the world. Other women that looked model-like didn't attract me because they didn't look like XW. Funny enough, when I watched porn I had to surf through pages of stripper looking women to find women that looked more like a real woman and more like my W because that's what I craved. Then after years of rejection and no sex, after hostility, after neglect, after scorn, after being betrayed in some ways, after being criticized...I couldn't see the beauty anymore. She looked like a witch. I couldn't remember what I ever saw beautiful about her.
So far I've just touched on the realities. You are beautiful enough already, and when the right man gets to know you and partner with you and depend on you he will be smitten. I suppose you could your own negative self view could make you unattractive...but frankly I don't think I or many men would care other than wanting you to not suffer needlessly. If you have sensitive spots then you have sensitive spots.
My point, even if you never lost a pound, and even if you never accepted it, you'll be fine, and someone would be lucky to have you.
Of course I would like you to achieve your weightloss goals, and there are good reasons to try.
And I would definitely like to see you reach your self-acceptance goals, because I don't want to see you suffer either.
But I think accepting your lack of self-acceptance is a lot closer to the right path than beating yourself up because you beat yourself up. (This is similar to another pool experience I had in which I realized that being ok with being out of balance was a lot closer to balance than desperately trying to achieve balance)
So, flawed in so many ways as you are, depressed as you are...it's all good JB. Make peace with that because if you can't be ok with the present, there is no future that will change that. But if you can accept the dreary and disappointing reality of now, and still find reasons to smile, or feel love, or share your gifts with the world...then you will be happy in some moments today, and that will also allow the ice to melt and amazing changes outside of your body and within to occur...but that will be the frosting on the cake, not the cake itself, which is always right here where you are how you are.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
So far I've just touched on the realities. You are beautiful enough already, and when the right man gets to know you and partner with you and depend on you he will be smitten. I suppose you could your own negative self view could make you unattractive...but frankly I don't think I or many men would care other than wanting you to not suffer needlessly. If you have sensitive spots then you have sensitive spots.
My point, even if you never lost a pound, and even if you never accepted it, you'll be fine, and someone would be lucky to have you.
Of course I would like you to achieve your weightloss goals, and there are good reasons to try.
And I would definitely like to see you reach your self-acceptance goals, because I don't want to see you suffer either.
But I think accepting your lack of self-acceptance is a lot closer to the right path than beating yourself up because you beat yourself up. (This is similar to another pool experience I had in which I realized that being ok with being out of balance was a lot closer to balance than desperately trying to achieve balance)
So, flawed in so many ways as you are, depressed as you are...it's all good JB. Make peace with that because if you can't be ok with the present, there is no future that will change that. But if you can accept the dreary and disappointing reality of now, and still find reasons to smile, or feel love, or share your gifts with the world...then you will be happy in some moments today, and that will also allow the ice to melt and amazing changes outside of your body and within to occur...but that will be the frosting on the cake, not the cake itself, which is always right here where you are how you are.
Thanks for posting Zues you know already know how much I appreciate your perspective and words. You are very kind and patient with me.
See this self-acceptance stuff is like a foreign language. My mind boggles at how you do it. I think you are completely right in your assessment that I naturally lean to a problem-solving strategy that is about learning not to beat myself up rather accepting myself as I am.
Everything feels so backwards around this issue. What is all the resistance about?.
With regard to your comments "I suppose you could your own negative self view could make you unattractive...but frankly I don't think I or many men would care other than wanting you to not suffer needlessly. If you have sensitive spots then you have sensitive spots."
The men in my life have loved my body just as I am. The never asked me to look any different than I am. They did ask that I not be so hard on myself about my weight and as long as I was healthy and moving, neither of them minded. Like you with your XW they have loved my curves and soft bits, and my sexual confidence when I felt good about my body.
Interesting a thought comes to mind that I tend to have less issues with my body when I am with a man who loves and accepts it. In the beginning past the initial trust building. You know the first unveiling in making love with the semi lit room, sheets covering everything, to gradual exposure over time. I always struggled with showering together, for me that was always extremely challenging and never comfortable, but I would because this was always something my partners enjoyed. They loved it, me not so much.
My point is however it's almost like their validation was enough or was permission for me to let go of how I felt about my body.
I digress, there would always be a point where I would overcome my the body consciousness and let go and not worry and I would feel safe and accepted and it would not be an issue. I would stop thinking that I needed to lose anymore weight. I was accepted just as I was.
And then one day that feeling wasn't there anymore. I am not sure why it would disappear. All the shame and self critique would come back and would be on the dieting/exercising obsession again. The self hate would be back, I start dressing down again, stop wearing make up, never wear my hair down, stop wearing lovely underwear.
The men in my life have been frustrated by my view of my own body and the hard time I would give myself about it and that I would knock my own confidence out of myself and then project onto them that it somehow had something to do with them. This made them think that I was just hard work and they walked away. Maybe this is the key.
What's that about?
Well I have an appointment with my therapist I was seeing at the beginning of the year. He has experience with working with women in residential treatment who have food and body disorders. This will be an interesting ride.
Thanks for posting Zues. I love that you keep it real for me and don't let me talk my away out of things. Usually I can social work myself out of any conversation with my friends and family. Not many people challenging my on my chit.
Thank you for sharing such an initimate account of your weight gain. You may find Marianne Williamson's Book A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrending to your weight forever an interesting read.
Marianne gives a blessed account of women using weight gain for protection as it relates to sexual abuse and trauma. There are other issues identified as well. But she did indeed write the book for Oprah.
There are some interesting exercises in the book. Now that I am recommending it to you, I feel it maybe time for me to revisit it myself. If you are of the spiritual inclination there is healing to found in her words.
I delved into my childhood trauma at the beginning of this year. And I mean I jumped in it, like I never have before, dug around in the sh*t and got dirty. It was challenging to hear a therapist say the words I have told many clients myself over 15 years in social work "it wasn't your fault"..."no one protected you, no one nutured you and you deserved that". On initial hearing I rebuffed it as I had seen many of my own clients do and my therapist repeated the phrase maybe 8-9 times. Until I heard it, I mean really heard it and allowed it to resonate. Something in me broke. Something in me finally let go of a sh*it load of pain and betrayal I had felt for a lifetime.
Trust in others is hard Ancaire. And some people don't tred lightly. I know our friends and family think we are overly-sensitive to their critique. I am strong I know that, I am not a victim, and I also hate the word survior, but there are fragile spots and I need good boundaries. Ironic then that the adult of childhood abuse has few skills at implementing them. Our blueprint got erased by adults who were careless and selfish, at times plain cruel with us.
Letting go of weight is equally as scary Ancaire. When the first 70kg went I was feeling emotions for the first time. My drug of choice was gone, couldn't stuff the emotions down with food any more and I had absolutely no skills for feeling emotions. My first relationship with Mr M was fraught with my emotional meltdowns. Hmmmmm 35 and managing a romantic relationship for the first time with the emotional skills of 10 year old. That was going to work, yeah right lol. In addition I now know I was being regularly triggered from childhood trauma.
I never struggled with male attention when the weight first came off. I loved it. Let me just say I had my adolescence and 20's at 29-35. And I managed it like a teenager too. Completely emotionally inept. There is humour in it now for me. But at the time the angst was real.
My gut response to making sense of what occured in my childhood and the results is to say that my body and my mind has attemmpted to keep me safe as best it could, when others failed me.
We will be healed Ancaire. Time and a dedication to ourselves is what is needed.
Be kind to yourself as you take this journey. Your H behaviour is abuse and he needs to go.
I would like to explore some of your beliefs on weight. By the way I am a Catholic too. So I get some of the Catholic guilt.
So only the thin and the beautiful can be happy?
Or is it that being thinner and beautiful is just the prequiste to be happy?
Extending this
Can Jellyb only be happy if she is thin?
Is keeping the weight the obstacle to happiness or the rationale for staying unhappy? Are you saying If I hang on to my weight then I can say that is why I am unhappy?
What would happen if you lost the weight?
Could you compromise with yourself, lose say half of it then reevaluate? Say you are doing it for your health, rather than your happiness?
What exactly is possible for you in this?
Do you think this is the reason sweet sadness has become more vocal of late, so you can't ignore her, is she encouraging you to change and uncomfortable about the fact she would like more. I certainly think so, all of your posts in the above are so obviously fight backs against the shift. It's going to happen, embrace it.
V
V,
I'm stumped, I feel resistance, I feel like a petulant child stomping their feet at your questions. I am laughing at myself as I write this, because I know there are goodies under these feelings.
I don't think I really want to know the answers (I do but I don't). Imagine if this was it. A final letting go. Scares the bejeezes out of me.
Even though you're still struggling Jelly, I appreciate the fact that the struggle is pushing you to delve further into your own psychology and past. There's still healing that needs to take place and that healing takes both time, honesty, courage, and self care.
Honesty, courage, and self care are far more attractive to me and most men I know than weight or lack there of. I say that as a man who was M to a professional model. A woman so beautiful she made men walk into doors while they stared - and also was insecure about her own looks, terrified as well that when people saw beyond them they also wouldn't like what they found. Everyone has something beautiful they can't see in themselves.
You make people feel beautiful on this very board, that to me is attractive.
Let the weight, the expression of pain that it is, continue to inspire you to look deeper, to open up further. To keep looking at the past and the places where it has you stuck as well as the future and where your fears of it lie.
Like Zeus said, love yourself in the confused messy state that you're in. Even if it's a practice to do so. None of us are in a good spot. This place is like Hogwarts for the broken! We all are trying weird stuff on ourselves, doing things that don't make sense in the moment, learning to love ourselves despite being cast out by the one person we thought we could count on. Everything and anything goes here in DB land Jelly, so give it a try. Love yourself to pieces.
Try happiness on while you're still not at your ideal weight. For some it's how they look in the mirror, for others it's their bank account, others something else. Welcome to the human puzzle.
Your honesty and vulnerability are inspiring my dear, keep putting it all out here and I know you'll get the answers you're looking for.
Big hug,
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I would like to explore some of your beliefs on weight. By the way I am a Catholic too. So I get some of the Catholic guilt.
So only the thin and the beautiful can be happy?
Or is it that being thinner and beautiful is just the prequiste to be happy?
Extending this
Can Jellyb only be happy if she is thin?
Is keeping the weight the obstacle to happiness or the rationale for staying unhappy? Are you saying If I hang on to my weight then I can say that is why I am unhappy?
What would happen if you lost the weight?
Could you compromise with yourself, lose say half of it then reevaluate? Say you are doing it for your health, rather than your happiness?
What exactly is possible for you in this?
Do you think this is the reason sweet sadness has become more vocal of late, so you can't ignore her, is she encouraging you to change and uncomfortable about the fact she would like more. I certainly think so, all of your posts in the above are so obviously fight backs against the shift. It's going to happen, embrace it.
V
V,
I'm stumped, I feel resistance, I feel like a petulant child stomping their feet at your questions. I am laughing at myself as I write this, because I know there are goodies under these feelings.
I don't think I really want to know the answers (I do but I don't). Imagine if this was it. A final letting go. Scares the bejeezes out of me.
Oh dear V, have we finally found my archilles?
JellyB XXX
V, I'm just going to type and see what comes out. Hopefully you will be able to make some sense of it. I hope that some of my deeper feeling and thinking will come out unedited, completely organic.
When I think about being thin, or slim, and I mean think, there is no feeling of being my ideal weight. I no sense of it. I have struggled with guided meditations, and visualisation work because I cannot get an image in my head of what I would look like at my ideal weight.
I have never been my ideal weight I have nothing to contextualise it. When I had my op, I said to myself if I only get to a size 16. I will be happy. And I was for a time, very happy. Life was exciting and I travelled and met people and had adventures. I was confident taking risks, backing myself. I still struggled socially, but feeling accepted, feeling normal, not feeling like that fattest person in the room. Which is something I do in every room I walk into, I scan the room to find out if I am the biggest person in there.
Something about looking like everybody else seems to be important. Looking normal, feeling typical.
There is something about allowing myself to become so obese says to me that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I feel possibly that looking so broken on the outside everybody assumes I am broken on the inside. or rather can see how broken on the inside I am .
There is something about my father not loving me, never seeing me, never treating me kindly. He ignored me basically, treated me like I was invisible. He would talk past me to my sisters, when I was 7 he threw my favourite doll in a fire while I standing there , telling me i didn't need it anymore, that I was too old for such things. There are other things too. I wondered what it was about me that made me so unlovable.
So I was good. I mean really good. Somewhere as a small child, being good became important. And that meant not being seen, because my presence seem to agitate and upset him. The only time my father would engage with me, was around how much food I put in my mouth. So of all the things my father talked to me about was food. My father was a great provider of food . Food was love in our household. Being a sick kid I was incredibly thin and my mother spent the first part of my life trying to get me to eat. From age 10 my mother was trying to get me to stop eating so my father would stop picking on me. My father would provide copious amounts of food on the table and then verbally barrel me for eating too much.
That likely doesn't answer your questions V
I guess if fat is unhappiness then thin must equal happiness right.
Can Jellyb only be happy if she is thin? I think this might be the case V.
Is keeping the weight the obstacle to happiness or the rationale for staying unhappy? It's the obstacle
Are you saying If I hang on to my weight then I can say that is why I am unhappy? No this isn't true for me
What would happen if you lost the weight? I feel like I would worry less, life wouldn't feel like such a struggle, I wouldn't ever think about my weight first before I did anything. I feel like I wouldn't be so shy and pensive. So appeasing , so accommodating. I feel I would take more risks, more chances, live life more in the moment. I feel like finally the outside would match the inside work I have been doing for so many years. I would feel entitled to all the things that thin people have. (oooohhh this a bit scary hearing myself say that)
What exactly is possible for you in this? I don't know V. I feels like an impossible dream. It feels like (and remember this is not rationale and I don't believe in a vengeful or judging God or higher power) that somewhere at sometime I did something so bad that everyone around me gets to have love, babies, family, money, freedom, and I get well I get to be every one's cheerleader. Happy for everyone else who gets these amazing rewards in life.
My life isn't terrible, my life is good and it's solid. I have a great family, I have good friends, I have good job, I make ok money. I never go without. My life feels like a sepia coloured photograph, or like someone has turned the colour down and there isn't any vibrancy and passion and abundance. I guess in some stupid way I think being thinner will bring that to my life.
As for sweet sadness, she is likely a rebellious teenager right now, tired of the constraints over an protective parent who won't let go.
I don't know Lady V. That's all I got tonight. That was pretty rough going getting that.
