So far I've just touched on the realities. You are beautiful enough already, and when the right man gets to know you and partner with you and depend on you he will be smitten. I suppose you could your own negative self view could make you unattractive...but frankly I don't think I or many men would care other than wanting you to not suffer needlessly. If you have sensitive spots then you have sensitive spots.
My point, even if you never lost a pound, and even if you never accepted it, you'll be fine, and someone would be lucky to have you.
Of course I would like you to achieve your weightloss goals, and there are good reasons to try.
And I would definitely like to see you reach your self-acceptance goals, because I don't want to see you suffer either.
But I think accepting your lack of self-acceptance is a lot closer to the right path than beating yourself up because you beat yourself up. (This is similar to another pool experience I had in which I realized that being ok with being out of balance was a lot closer to balance than desperately trying to achieve balance)
So, flawed in so many ways as you are, depressed as you are...it's all good JB. Make peace with that because if you can't be ok with the present, there is no future that will change that. But if you can accept the dreary and disappointing reality of now, and still find reasons to smile, or feel love, or share your gifts with the world...then you will be happy in some moments today, and that will also allow the ice to melt and amazing changes outside of your body and within to occur...but that will be the frosting on the cake, not the cake itself, which is always right here where you are how you are.
Thanks for posting Zues you know already know how much I appreciate your perspective and words. You are very kind and patient with me.
See this self-acceptance stuff is like a foreign language. My mind boggles at how you do it. I think you are completely right in your assessment that I naturally lean to a problem-solving strategy that is about learning not to beat myself up rather accepting myself as I am.
Everything feels so backwards around this issue. What is all the resistance about?.
With regard to your comments "I suppose you could your own negative self view could make you unattractive...but frankly I don't think I or many men would care other than wanting you to not suffer needlessly. If you have sensitive spots then you have sensitive spots."
The men in my life have loved my body just as I am. The never asked me to look any different than I am. They did ask that I not be so hard on myself about my weight and as long as I was healthy and moving, neither of them minded. Like you with your XW they have loved my curves and soft bits, and my sexual confidence when I felt good about my body.
Interesting a thought comes to mind that I tend to have less issues with my body when I am with a man who loves and accepts it. In the beginning past the initial trust building. You know the first unveiling in making love with the semi lit room, sheets covering everything, to gradual exposure over time. I always struggled with showering together, for me that was always extremely challenging and never comfortable, but I would because this was always something my partners enjoyed. They loved it, me not so much.
My point is however it's almost like their validation was enough or was permission for me to let go of how I felt about my body.
I digress, there would always be a point where I would overcome my the body consciousness and let go and not worry and I would feel safe and accepted and it would not be an issue. I would stop thinking that I needed to lose anymore weight. I was accepted just as I was.
And then one day that feeling wasn't there anymore. I am not sure why it would disappear. All the shame and self critique would come back and would be on the dieting/exercising obsession again. The self hate would be back, I start dressing down again, stop wearing make up, never wear my hair down, stop wearing lovely underwear.
The men in my life have been frustrated by my view of my own body and the hard time I would give myself about it and that I would knock my own confidence out of myself and then project onto them that it somehow had something to do with them. This made them think that I was just hard work and they walked away. Maybe this is the key.
What's that about?
Well I have an appointment with my therapist I was seeing at the beginning of the year. He has experience with working with women in residential treatment who have food and body disorders. This will be an interesting ride.
Thanks for posting Zues. I love that you keep it real for me and don't let me talk my away out of things. Usually I can social work myself out of any conversation with my friends and family. Not many people challenging my on my chit.
