Thanks so much. I really want to let his words roll right off. But it kills me when he makes it so very clear how deep his contempt for me really runs. I love him, or the him I remember so very much - this feels like acid in my soul when he chooses, chooses, to deliver such a low blow. I still only have one word I'll never get an answer to: Why?
I can't imagine how much it hurts to hear things like that from h. I too am in love with someone that doesn't exist right now. I am so disappointed in my W, but she isn't being hateful. So sorry you have to go through this.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Ancaire, I am so sorry. You are such a good friend to me and others, a great mom, you deserve nothing but respect. A thought crossed my mind when my H was saying some truly cruel and off the wall accusations to me last night, that I think the only way he would be satisfied was if I truly broke down or even committed suicide- he wants me to suffer. He wants me to suffer and take all the blame so that he doesn't have to. Maybe that is what your H is doing. He is in too much pain himself so he is trying to transfer it to you. He is weak and cannot bear it himself, so he is trying to pass it on to you.
Ancaire, I'm so very sorry for everything you are going through.
I've had some very nasty remarks and contempt from H over the last few years in relation to my chronic illness, and I think it's another part of vilifying us to be able to push us away without feeling so bad about what they're doing.
I think it's the same reason for telling you to move - your presence is a reminder of how bad he is behaving, so he wants you gone. The anger you see, is really frustration over how he feels about himself.
Don't take it personally, it's really not about you. But keep safe!
And I would tell your L about OW's criminal background. It may come into play at some point so she should know if she doesn't already.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Mutatio - We can certainly work on our list this weekend! No problem. I've got to give a lot of thought to mine, in any case. Maybe we should just set a goal to get them going by Sunday evening? What do you think?
Fo - Thank you for trying to put something nice on this...but I know that's not it. Even before BD, I would complain that if everything weren't exactly how H wanted it, I would suffer for it. Somehow, I forgot that when I was busy longing for my old H. I forgot how he attempted to control every single aspect of my life. Both V and my mother commented that when I was quiet and controlled and in my room most of the time - it fit very nicely into his plans. I never realized that.
What we are dealing with, in truth, is a control freak who is not getting his way, and is throwing the mother of all tantrums at the moment. I was texting him earlier about what time I should expect him tomorrow, with him refusing to give me a straight answer. He said something about paying for a house he doesn't get to sleep in, and I reminded him that I never told him he couldn't and he comes back with more idiocy.
Remember the night the cheese slid right of my cracker? (OK - I went insane for a brief while.) I'm pretty sure I mentioned that while the police were there I asked them to loan me a gun so that I could shoot his cheating behind. (Faithfully reported to me by H.)
So now, in a text, he tells me doesn't feel comfortable sleeping in the house because I've threatened his life on multiple occasions and given him reason to feel unsafe.
I was underwhelmed. I said it was a good soundbite and the judge might be impressed for a minute. Then I quit answering him.
He is having a tantrum, pure and simple, and he is being as nasty as he can in hopes of intimidating me to fold and let him have his way. It used to work. It does still hurt. I'm not letting him have his way. His behavior is despicable.
Ancaire, I am so sorry. You are such a good friend to me and others, a great mom, you deserve nothing but respect. A thought crossed my mind when my H was saying some truly cruel and off the wall accusations to me last night, that I think the only way he would be satisfied was if I truly broke down or even committed suicide- he wants me to suffer. He wants me to suffer and take all the blame so that he doesn't have to. Maybe that is what your H is doing. He is in too much pain himself so he is trying to transfer it to you. He is weak and cannot bear it himself, so he is trying to pass it on to you.
I am so sorry.
This behaviour is wholly unacceptable. I accepted it in my M. If my boundaries had been stronger I would not have done so.
My responsibility.
It still does not justify this type of behaviour.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
The only thing WH has is to accuse you.when one finger points, four point back.
When someone accuses another as a projection then actually they are acknowledging their own desires and weakness. If they say you are mean, stupid, ugly, abusive, mad then it's their own behaviour which is being discussed by them. So the contempt they appear to show for another is a reflection of the disgust they have for themselves. Abusive behaviour is weakNess, cruelty is destructive for the soul of the destroyer. Only those with very serious personality issues are unaffected by it. And in that case one wouldn't want an R with such a person.
Not acknowledged, the projector fails to see the obvious.
WH knows the truth in his subconscious, that is leaking. A good answer is "we both know that it is yourself you are referring to"
My WH said "I know I have issues", my response "that's your choice not to deal with them"
It's easier to carry on having issues than to deal with them, ultimately we carry our issues with us, move to a new R without evolving or dealing with them and they emerge in the new R.
The great thing about working on ourselves is that we can resolve many parts that trouble us. It isn't about only improving our R or our M it is about resolving ourselves.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/17/1505:17 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
So now, in a text, he tells me doesn't feel comfortable sleeping in the house because I've threatened his life on multiple occasions and given him reason to feel unsafe.
------------------------ Fat finger
This is a vivid example of projection in my view Anc.
And as for shooting his cheating ass, buckshot is the best, sit upons are unable to sit on for many years. More effective than permanent termination.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/17/1505:25 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
