Have you ever discussed this with your siblings? I have 3 sisters. Oldest is 16 months younger. She was asthmatic and high maintenance. My mother says she spent majority of child care time with her since she was so difficult. My hunch is she was my fathers favorite. My next sister was 6 years younger. She said to me she didn't know how I could endure my fathers abuse. My youngest sister was the baby and was probably my fathers next favorite. She thought my father was a pain in the a$$.
In which ways was your dad tougher on you? He was tougher on me because I wouldn't give him what he wanted, good grades. I did enough to get C's no more. My sisters all did their work and got good grades. They did what he wanted. He rode me harder because I resisted his wishes.
Did he physically abuse you in any way or was this overt criticism? I was abused verbally. He was not physically abusive to the children. He was not verbally abusive to my sisters but would go on rants. He was verbally abusive to my mother and I saw him hit her once. He would punch our dog.
Can you give me an example? He would yell at me in front of my mother "you son of a b!tch"
what did you see as your highest potential? How did you not achieve it? I actually was an intelligent kid and could have be an A's and a couple B's type student. I understood everything in school but because of my father behavior, I would not give him what he wanted, for me to get better grades. I would not give him what he was so hungry for. I could not reward his behavior.
Did you buy his measure of success? Good grades in school are important. I knew it then and I know it now. I could not get past my disdain for his behavior.
What as an adult is your measure of success? In one word, family. It is the most important aspect of ones life. How you treat your children. How you treat your wife. To lead a good, kind compassionate life.
Are you currently seeing an IC? If not a CBT based therapist may help you best with limiting beliefs. She is a CBT based therapist and uses Schema therapy. I like the schema therapy.
What are the values and standards that are important to me? I believe in honesty, integrity, kindness, commitment, character, perserverance, loyalty and some that I can't think of.
At the end of my life what will be the measures I hold myself to? Are these realistic? Was I a good man. Was I a good husband. Was I a good father. These are realistic measures.
Do I set myself up with bigger, better targets that I could never achieve? And if I do, then I become more target orientated? No
Am I trying to prove myself? Make myself fit? Endlessly trying to prove myself to someone who may never be satisfied? No
Do I measure myself on what I achieve other than for who I am? A little, I wonder what I could have achieved if I had chose to apply myself to my studies.
Vanilla, I had a thought while answering your questions. I think this is relevant to my situation. The schema, Subjugation of Needs: Suppression of one's preferences, decisions, and desires. I think this is a issue for me.
