In The Arena II

[Zues126]

Hey Jelly.

Most of my life I've struggled with feelings of insufficiency. It directly impacted my M, because I was needy and looked for constant validation from XW because I had a hole in my heart (ditto for her, it was a strange dynamic).

Couple of breakthrough moments for me. One was 7 years ago. I was trying to become good enough at pool to win the US Open and it was starting to look like that wasn't going to happen in my life. I saw this 16 year old Chinese player win the world championship, and I started getting really down on myself. I KNOW that I had put in more time on the table, and more work on my game than he had. So the idea that I was improving and would someday get there was really hard to believe anymore. It was starting to look like I just didn't have what it took, and that I would never get to the top...Then I realized that if I had to travel halfway around the world and find a phenom from China to compare myself to in order to feel insufficient, maybe I wasn't worthless. I started to laugh about that. I realized that if I wasn't able to feel good about the level I played at now I might as well quit, not because I couldn't get better, but because getting better wouldn't do anything if I couldn't be satisfied with what I've been given.

Similarly in DBing, my mantra has been that if I look at the sky and curse God because I don't have the M I wanted, despite having healthy children, many gifts, passions, and family all around me, then I would've been miserable anyway because if my life that I have isn't good enough than nothing is.

Now, that's logic. Feelings don't always follow logic. But feelings can come from thoughts, and those were good ways to shut down that way of thinking. Trust me, no matter how good you make your body look, there will always be someone that would make you feel self conscious. We all know beautiful women that are self conscious. Easy to think that wouldn't be you, you'd be satisfied at that...but the reality is that if you aren't satisfied now then trading bodies wouldn't change that.

As for my take on beauty, of course looks matter...they matter in terms of prejudice, first impressions, and in some cases in physical attraction. But prejudice and first impressions don't matter once you get to know someone. And physical attraction I've found to be very subjective. Take XW. She's a bit overweight, and her face is a touch homely maybe. But when I met her I thought she was a sweet girl. I got to know her. And we started a family. Once she was my W, and the mother of my kids, all I could see were her deep eyes, her voluptuous curves, the tender small of her back. I looked to her to meet my innermost needs, and as she did we bonded and she truly looked to me the most beautiful woman in the world. Other women that looked model-like didn't attract me because they didn't look like XW. Funny enough, when I watched porn I had to surf through pages of stripper looking women to find women that looked more like a real woman and more like my W because that's what I craved. Then after years of rejection and no sex, after hostility, after neglect, after scorn, after being betrayed in some ways, after being criticized...I couldn't see the beauty anymore. She looked like a witch. I couldn't remember what I ever saw beautiful about her.

So far I've just touched on the realities. You are beautiful enough already, and when the right man gets to know you and partner with you and depend on you he will be smitten. I suppose you could your own negative self view could make you unattractive...but frankly I don't think I or many men would care other than wanting you to not suffer needlessly. If you have sensitive spots then you have sensitive spots.

My point, even if you never lost a pound, and even if you never accepted it, you'll be fine, and someone would be lucky to have you.

Of course I would like you to achieve your weightloss goals, and there are good reasons to try.

And I would definitely like to see you reach your self-acceptance goals, because I don't want to see you suffer either.

But I think accepting your lack of self-acceptance is a lot closer to the right path than beating yourself up because you beat yourself up. (This is similar to another pool experience I had in which I realized that being ok with being out of balance was a lot closer to balance than desperately trying to achieve balance)

So, flawed in so many ways as you are, depressed as you are...it's all good JB. Make peace with that because if you can't be ok with the present, there is no future that will change that. But if you can accept the dreary and disappointing reality of now, and still find reasons to smile, or feel love, or share your gifts with the world...then you will be happy in some moments today, and that will also allow the ice to melt and amazing changes outside of your body and within to occur...but that will be the frosting on the cake, not the cake itself, which is always right here where you are how you are.