Weeding and watering

[JulieH]

Mustard seed

Sorry. I get so upset when I read about OW. I suspect I would have been one to cut off my nose to spite my face! You have thought this out well and you have such strength and grace. I would have been too impatient and impulsive. : )

It does sound like time will be on your side and I look forward to reading about all the positives that come from your journey.

[mustardseed]

Mustard seed

Sorry. I get so upset when I read about OW. I suspect I would have been one to cut off my nose to spite my face! You have thought this out well and you have such strength and grace. I would have been too impatient and impulsive. : )

It does sound like time will be on your side and I look forward to reading about all the positives that come from your journey.

Oh I have plenty of vengeful thoughts. However, I feel satisfied with the hell they are living through gossip--I don't have to do anything but sit back and watch as people turn against them. I don't have to say or do anything--they did it all themselves.

I also try to cancel out the bad feelings with GAL activities. Last night I had an extraordinary GAL experience. One I really can't afford but was well worth the cost. It was another solo city trip to see an interactive performance. The perfect theater experience for a date for one--because even if you come with people you end up getting separated from them during the "performance".

Before we were let in I chatted with some other solo audience members in the cafe. After it was over I kind of wished I had someone to chat with about what I saw--but pure dumb luck--on the train ride home someone recognized the mask I had from the show and apparently he had gone to see it a few weeks earlier! It is amazing how life works out sometimes. H would have hated the experience. With him I probably never would have gone because he wouldn't go and I always felt guilty spending that kind of money on me.

So life is better without him. I also have some hopeful feelings about a job interview I went on last week. Hoping to hear back soon. Prayers will be appreciated! It really seems like the perfect job to help me get my feet wet again after last years experience.

[mustardseed]

I am in a bad place right now. After reading V's thread I am wondering if it is PTSD. What might have triggered it?

Some ideas:
I started working again--the job is easy and comfortable and the people are all very nice--but it doesn't pay the bills. It is more than unemployment but not by much. I go, do my job, but all it does is remind me of my failure. That I have back slid and that I am aimless because what I thought was my dream job turned out to be a disaster and I don't have a new dream to fill it. But I need to figure out how to support myself and the salary of the jobs that feel safe just don't cut the mustard. The job i was hoping for didn't come to fruition--yet. I am hoping this is paying my dues, but I think I will continue to look for alternate opportunities.

I had a breakthrough with my feelings toward H. My IC has continued to try and get me to stop making excuses for him, to get angry, to stop feeling the need to see something that is not there. But when I feel angry I feel vengeful, and then I get myself into trouble with H and my family gets mad at me for reacting--for "speaking up" which I guess isn't really speaking up but rather fueling his fire. I know I need to follow V's advice and become completely uninteresting with H. To go Gray Rock I think she puts it. It is hard to do when I am angry because I want to see him accountable. So if I have to let it go I find a way to excuse what he has done and start buying into my fantasy again. It was like a constant pendulum swinging.

But last weekend I think I finally had the breakthrough where the spell has been broken and that has left me raw. I understand who H is now, and I don't believe it is a new thing. I am dealing with a narcissist and I have been a target of his abuse. i know I said it hear before, but I finally got to the point where I can't sugarcoat him anymore. I always thought a breakthrough would bring relief, instead it brings me more anxiety because I can't default to my fantasy coping mechanism to make it all bearable, so I just feel raw.

He has been targeting my parenting relentlessly. Now that I have a new job I had to adjust the pick up time for the kids--something that should have been a non-issue if we could have just gotten the custody switched like it should have been back in September. This gives him leverage. He is keeping track of time to the minute. commenting on when I am late. He stood behind me during the kids concert with OW sitting off to the right--all of us would have crossed paths clearing out the theater if we exited the way we should have. We went a different way. I know he wanted to see if I would approach him. I called him out on using the kids as pawns in his game, which is what he is doing.

I don't know what he is trying to accomplish. I don't know what he is capable of accomplishing. And that is scary for me. I am struggling to find solace and I am finding it difficult to get out of the house at all lately, but I am doing it. I went out to dinner with a meetup group last night. It was a nice group, but i felt shy and nervous. I don't know if that is just normal--everyone else seemed to know each other well and I was a newb, or if it just spill over from my anxiety. I am not feeling very sociable this week and that is making me feel lonely. it is crazy. I think it might all be part of the PTSD.

i also accepted that me dating is only a means to mask the raw emotion and it isn't fair to put anyone through that. i have been asked by a few people the past few days and I have been declining, even though I crave the distraction. There is one person I need to figure out how to let down easily because I have gone out with him a couple of times already and I don't know how to end it without sound so cliche "it's not you, it's me" but isn't that the absolute truth.

So is this rawness part of healing or back sliding? I don't know. The new job, the holidays, the reminder that H still has all of my personal belongings, the kids well-being and knowing their Christmas will be so different this year, the ties to the school, all of this is triggering unbearable reactions within me and I need to come up with a game plan to power through. I cried most of yesterday--whenever I was a lone even for a minute the water works started.

H finally gave me the Christmas things so I was able to get the house looking festive. Before he did that I was thinking of his as the Grinch. He can't stop Christmas from coming. But right now he has stolen my joy.

I have been looking into different narcissist abuse recovery programs but I can't really afford these things. Does anyone know of any good resources?

[Ancaire]

Hi Msd! I don't know of any good resources - but I can stop by with sympathy and understanding.

I can help with some insight into why H does what he does. It's simply that he can. Now that I've stepped outside my M, and I'm kind of looking from the outside in, I've begun noticing the instant H gets bored and decides to toy with me. It's like he's a cat, and I'm his favorite toy mouse. He just wants to chew on his mouse...that's all. I'm learning that part of the problem with H's like ours is that they don't see us separately from them; even when we're thrown away, we're still their rubbish. He'll think of you with some level of ownership forever. Selfish people really are the center of their own universe.

So, we have to do all we can to reduce our exposure to them. Do not squeak when he bites down (toy mouse) so he'll get bored and go away. If we bore them, we're safe. If we fight back, well then they just get excited. As much as it will sting your pride to do it, if I were you, I would playact the role of beaten down and defeated soon to be ex-wife in front of them both. Do everything through your L.

It will make this time go so much more smoothly until it is finished. You only have to back down until then. You can seek revenge later if it's still what you want. He won't be held accountable. He'll never see it. No matter what he does, it will be as the result of something that what done to him by someone else.

My H targets my parenting because he knows how much it means to me to be a good mom. If he can harm me there, he's really done some damage. Remove your squeaker! Whatever he says DOES NOT mean ANYTHING. He just wants to destroy you. Because it makes him feel better about himself, superior.

Did he ever love you? Yes. He really thought he did at one point. The real problem is that he loves himself more. There's something missing in him, some damaged part that just makes it impossible for him to truly have compassion and real love for any other person. HE is important. It's all about him. I feel sorry for him actually, because he will never really understand love in it's purest form. He's broken in a really sad way.

My H does a good job of playing the role of good dad. Like you, I'm actually happy about it. You and I both know the role he's taken on is more about him than them, but they will benefit from it. That's a good thing. Let's hope that this role stays important to him. He needs to keep busy volunteering with the kid's activities so he has plenty of people to impress. You can encourage him by saying things like, "D is always saying how much her other friends are jealous because her dad is always helping out." You're only pandering to his ego on things like this for the benefit of the children. My H still likes to impress people by "always being there for his kids, even though they're adults." My kids do benefit, though, so I'm okay with knowing what I know.

Msd, you could still go out with people. Just be upfront and tell them what's going on. Say that you're not in a place to have a full-fledged relationship. You're working through a lot of things, and don't want to put anyone in a position that might hurt them. But, if they're looking for a friend and company, you're a great bet. Be honest. Lots of people really just want to spend some time with someone. There is nothing wrong with looking out for others - it makes you a really nice person. Split the bills, keep it friendly and neutral.

Why you're feeling raw? You might be on to something with the PTSD. It's definitely related to anxiety. What are you doing to work through your emotions? You definitely need to let yourself feel them. I'll let others with more insight help out more on this topic.

My H had an episode yesterday. You'll see a lot of your H in it if you go read through what I posted. The only bad thing is I thought I caught the whole thing on audio - but my device stopped for some reason just as he got started. I'm aggravated about that. At least I called my L right after it happened, so there's some documentation. I'm so confused and stung by his cruelty, even though I know it's really more about him than me. I'm still human, so having all the rage directed at me is hard to deal with. It all boils down to him being upset because he's not getting his way.

I hope your week starts getting better. I'm glad you stopped in and posted. Maybe it'll stop you from reacting at something this week. That would be awesome, right?

[Vanilla]

Msd,

It is part of healing.

PTSD arises when we have been abused, it is unsettling.

As I understand this, panic attacks and anxiety arise during and immediately after episodes.

PTSD is triggered as a memory of the event. It persuades us that we are at risk even when we know consciously that we are ok.

We relive the emotions and sensations as a trigger. It can be anything. Harmless or deliberate.

It's ok, it has taken me a few weeks to calm, this last trigger will never trigger me again.

Awareness is key, I believe in pattern interrupt, doing something differently.

Msd, know this, to be working, going out, interacting, looking after your children, dealing with WH and scuzzy witches is MORE than enough. Getting through each day is enough. living with Integrity is enough. You as you are exactly as you are that is enough.

Float, let it unfold in time. It will.

Please go for grey rock, it's the best revenge you can have.

My resource is Melanie Tonia Evans and I would say, trying to heal takes a great deal of energy, start healing when you have energy to start the process. An easier resource is the UK hidden hurt site, which is a charity. I also completed the Freedom Program.


On the Fins research Prosperity Place.

Healing is very hard work, and requires you to invest very heavily in you.

Msd I am not in the best place at the moment so if it's ok I will think a little and come back to you. Things involving putting me at further risk have happened and it has unsettled me a great deal.

Fortunately not triggering further PTSD but putting me at risk.

I am very afraid, and my L says I am justified. My IC says she is very concerned.

Non molestation is in play. Yet I still stand for M. What the.....

V

[Ggrass]

What they said nilla and a.

In fact I could have written what a said words for word. You are his rubbish, and he see there will always be a connection in his warped head.

So you need to work inside your head, like I did. Dating is more than jumping a man. It's about being out with mates like my Sunday dinners, it's about getting dressed up and going to a mates house for wine. Date your self.

Any true man, will wait until they know you well if possible.

Although in my case I was the blokey one and jumped bf, it's was tooooooooooooo long between drinks.

I was sent in to a minor spin yesterday as xh2 brother is in town. Saw his car and given it has plates that stand out i noticed. It's was short lived and thought of a plan if ran into him which I knew is unlikely. The plan is more about me having a go to idea in case I do have to Impletement it. It will then appear natural.

It's a sort of hello, great to see you how been.... Blah blah few mins and if things get stuck or yucky, then I'm sorry I really need to go.

[mustardseed]

Thank you all for posting. I thought I responded yesterday, but it looks like it didn't go through. My computer is struggling lately. Looks like I need a new battery.

I don't have much time before work to address everything, but I wanted to say thank you and let you know I am reading, if not responding right away.

I love you all for all of your support and kind words.

[Vanilla]

I am here for you Msd

V

[Ancaire]

Msd - I wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. I hope all is going well. Please check in when you can?

Here's wishing you a very merry Christmas!

[mustardseed]

Merry Christmas to all. I hope it was a peaceful and joyful Christmas.

This was the third Christmas I've had since this whole mess started. And I have to say, it started of incredibly frustrating. All of my things that I assumed I would have by now never came. He wields a lot of power because of it. I think I finally had the switch flipped inside me that finally made me see the truth in why I need to let go of it all for now. I was so cranky Christmas eve knowing I was hosting Christmas Eve dinner with lots of expectations from 40 years worth of family tradition. H stood high on his icy cliff, staring down at my Who family with his too tight shoes and his too small heart--in his sled was all of the things I hoped I would have by this day. My grandmother's furniture being a big piece of it all.

In addition, I am not the only one displaced this year. A short time before Christmas my sister, myself, and my two aunts were cracking up at the realization that all of us are displaced. Me and one aunt both going through D and separated. Neither of us in our marital homes. My sister and other aunt are in temporary living situations as while work is done on their homes to prevent another storm disaster like what the suffered during Sandy.

As we were trying to plan for Christmas Eve talking about all of the different pieces of the puzzle we needed to pull of the traditions we all have grown to love, we realized how much of it we did not have access to the year. It was funny, but also frustrating. Add to that the fact that I committed to sing at the 4:00 Christmas Eve service which meant reporting an hour earlier. Smack dab in the middle of the day while I still had I had a crazy amount of last minute preparation to complete before my company showed up. I was in one cranky, bitter, bah humbug mood.

Then H decided to pull a stunt claiming he was picking up the kids that night, rather than Christmas morning. It might have been miscommunication. Nothing was in writing. But it was enough to shake me up. So as I was finishing my shopping, wrapping, preparing the house, cooking, getting ready to sing I was trying to get in touch with my L to clarify the arrangement. I was correct. It pissed H off and he tried to get a little control freak jab in there by having some ridiculous stipulation about where I was allowed to be when he picks them up. But that jab had a totally different effect on me than the jabs in the past--because I finally realized that that showed his weakness. He was acting like a sore loser. That was all it was plain and simple. I know it has been told to me over and over again, but it was really hard to truly believe it until this point.

I sang in church. Still cranky because I had so much to do. Because most of the choir showed up late and the director was annoyed, which made me regret agreeing to do it in the first place (even though I wasn't late and it wasn't directed at me, it still annoyed me). I sat bitter during rehearsal vowing to myself never to agree to do this again. Distracted by everything that needed to get done at home. Knowing my kids were home and I couldn't be with them because I agreed to this (and they did not want to go).

Then the service started. And the message of Christmas once again amazed me. Leave all of your possessions--because it is not about that. It isn't about the tradition. It isn't about the food and the gifts. It is about peace, and good will, and hope, and LOVE. And I left the service feeling in the Christmas spirit and with the Whoville Song "Welcome Christmas" in my head.

And we had a wonderful evening. And Santa came--3x for my kids. Once after dinner, once during sleep, and once at H's house. And the most amazing thing was that all of the kids helped clean up after dinner. There was no whining to open gifts. Not complaining about the dinner. There is something about my new home that feels so bright and harmonious. So different from the marital home, which was always dark and cluttered. I felt my heart grow three sizes. It will all be ok. I believe that. I just need to stay focused on God's will, not mine. I need to stop being distracted by what H is doing, even when he is doing it to me.

I had some heart to hearts with S and D. S opened up to me about some of his hard times. A lot of it deals with his relationship with H which has always been kind of strained. Now with the scary events that went down, coupled with H's attempts to keep all information away from the kids (not to protect them but to make it easier to keep his secrets) S is struggling with trust. S is also very protective of me, and I want to make sure that he does not let his desire to take sides effect their relationship. I am glad S came to me when I was feeling the spirit of Christmas, because things might have gone differently if I was still feeling bitter.

It took me a moment to decide how to approach it. I am in this awkward place of not wanting to let my feelings about H effect theirs, but at the same time if our suspicions are correct I want them to be on guard when the deal with him.

My advice to him was that the way to handle trusting someone else is to first learn to trust yourself. You need to get to a point where your can trust your instincts and recognize when boundaries are being crossed. I told him that I am just learning how to do this now, and that he should talk to his IC about it to help him. I then complimented him on how helpful he is and how I appreciate the responsibility he has taken when he is with me. He makes sure the doors are locked before bed.He takes out the garbage. Both of them are always helping with clean up after dinner. I told him he reminds me of his father in that way. He has the best parts of his father and I love that about him.

But then I said, you are never obligated to trust anyone if it doesn't feel right, but make sure you are being true to yourself. I then gave some examples of times when I felt obligated to be nice to someone when it didn't feel right. There was an incident with a coworker that happened last week, where I let my fear of hurting the guys feelings or embarrassing him trump the fact that the situation made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed.

I really hope that what I said accomplished what I wanted to. I really hope that he left knowing he was allowed to love his dad despite what has happened. That is dad has a lot of very good aspects. But also that he doesn't have to allow his boundaries to be blurred because of that love.

D is a little more complicated. She is so optimistic all of the time and always smiles, but every night she cried and kept saying, "I'm so sad but I don't know why." I just hugged her and said "it is ok to be sad. Things are different and we are allowed to miss the way they were and the way we wish they could be. But new things are coming and they will also be good."

They are in that transitional time. Adolescence is hard enough without having to deal with this major life change. I am going to make it a point from here on in to stay focused on the example I am setting in how I get through this, rather than letting myself get distracted by the fear and anger it is causing. Time to stay on my side of the street and let him deal with his.

The kids are with H now, so I will set a timer to allow for 20 minutes of wallowing in the loss I feel every time they leave, then to move on and make the most of the next few days without them.