I know exactly why I'm overweight, and it absolutely ties in to both childhood issues (molestation) to begin with, and then a sexual assault as a young adult. I feel safe and invisible behind the layer of fat. I get far less male attention, and it makes me so much less fearful of strange men. People overlook me unless I open my mouth, so I kind of feel like I'm exerting a wordless kind of control in any kind of public setting. Unless I speak, or call attention to myself in some way, I can observe the room and scope it out, so to speak.
But in the end, the "safety" has crippled me. I've suffered heart failure. My H no longer looks at me with the same desire he once did, and I truly believe it was part of his problem with me. I cannot be as active as I want. I sit out activities I once would have embraced. I'm allowed to be a hermit if that's what I wish, even in public.
Losing the weight is going to be tremendously difficult because of the permanent damage to my body carrying it around for so long has created. That damage is my first and foremost motivation for stopping this behavior, right now. Any activity is painful, and I'm going to have to work through that to get where I need to be.
I've also suffered from some truly hurtful interactions with people who are completely ignorant about the complexities of weight gain. In spite of the fact I gained it on purpose (not knowingly - but I certainly have always had the tools and knowledge necessary to correct it if I'd wanted to) those words have really hurt. The loss of my H's love and desire for me has crushed me emotionally. I'm going to have to deal with the fact, finally, that family members I deeply love were pedophiles. I've struggled with that ever since I became aware. How can I love someone so evil? As the weight comes off, I know I'll have to work through all the emotional pain and trauma along the way.
I've never learned how to cope with unwanted attention in an effective manner, because I hid away instead. I'm assuming I'll still be attractive when the weight is gone - and there I'll be - 50 years old and clueless when it comes to dealing with advances I don't want. Of course, learning boundaries like I have here on DB is going to be a huge help to me when that day arrives.
I have a feeling that I'm going to have a struggle with a LOT of things as I shed both the pounds and the feelings I was stuffing away with them as they all start falling away. I'm dreading it in a way - but I am determined. This is not the life I wanted, crippled emotionally and physically. I'm blessed beyond measure to even have a choice - I need to embrace that blessing and make the most of it.
I'm going to do it, though. I've already lost almost 50 pounds, which leaves me 100 to go. I cannot believe I just confessed that! Only here with you, Jelly. My weight gain is at once a blessing and a curse. I've hidden away and been protected, but I've also been deeply ashamed the entire time. This duality has not been good for my state of mind.
Until recently, I wasn't fully aware that I'd gained on purpose - but now that I've seen it - well, it's time to do something about it. I love V's words: "Once you know, you can't unknow." Even in this situation, the words speak true.
So Jelly, I'll be working on this issue right along with you. I'll probably open up more about it as I progress, but I really wanted to reach out to you and let you know you are not alone.
