Unlurking, Rd II: Hitting reset

[SciDad]

I'm reposting this here to remind myself 1) how to interact and 2) that my situation didn't happen overnight and that I need to have the perseverance and patience to allow for time to pass...

Not smothering her is so very important. Sometimes we say to love them from a distance. I don't know why that some LBH'S get the idea they are required to stop having feelings when they detach, separate, or even divorce. Nobody ever has to stop loving another person. It is usually better for the LBS to love from a healthy distance (whether a few steps, or separate lives).

When I was the WW, I could not stand for my H to hover over me, touch me, or even share the same room. When I made the decision to end the A and stay in my M, I still felt the same way for a while. Honestly, it was quite some time.

LBH's must try to understand, as best as they can, that even after the A ends, she has to gradually get back to being the W she once was. As painful as it must be on the H to know she doesn't want him touching her or to get too close........he needs to remember it is part of her adjustment and getting to where she can heal. She is not able to give him the physical and emotional evidence of loving him, like he longs for her to do. Not at that time. The best physical evidence she can give him is to follow a transparency plan after she sends a letter to OM ending all forms of contact.

Slowly, but surely, she will come around......and so will her feelings for her H........if she has come out of her waywardness. Ending an A does not garantee she'll stay in the M. It is her waywardness that is the true enemy. She did not become wayward overnight and she won't come out of it overnight. Just as it took years for her resentment to slowly build and disrespect became apparent, it will take a significant period of time for her to gain respect for her H. Her H has to find forgiveness for her betrayal (and whatever other hurts she caused in her waywardness). The WW has to find forgiveness for her H, related to all those things that caused the resentment in her heart. We are talking, probably, years of things she has pushed down or that cannot be undone. Things that happened in their past. Perhaps it helped shape the kind of MR they had together. Although the H may not feel she has as much to forgive as he does, it is very difficult for her to let go of the past resentments. I am not saying there are no women who can let go and forgive things in the past; I am just saying that it seems that most females struggle letting go of the resentment that has been there in their hearts for so many years. However, if they really want to heal, they can do it.

We had been M a long time when I had an A. There were decades of resentment. Although I had tried to put it behind me, I realize I had not been able to be free of it. It took about two years of praying and earnestly searching my heart for any left-over hardness. I finally was able to find peace. Let me clarify something. I have a certain sadness about some things, b/c I believe our M would have been much happier and we would have been much closer if my H had not been a passive nice-guy type of man. However, after my own actions of waywardness, it certainly brought me down from any snags of self-righteousness I may have hidden from myself. It helped me to accept the fact that both of us has failed each other. It may have been in different ways, but we each hurt one another. I cannot say his sins were worse an mine. His may have had a longer lasting affect on our MR, but mine were more devastating. Nobody can point a finger without at least one pointing back to themselves.

I appeal to all of you who are so heart broken and desperately want to see some sign that the WW really loves you, or is ready to work on the M, or whatever........to remember what I said about the time it takes for her to process her own sh't and find healing, before she can truly be the W you need and want.

I wish I could talk to every single WW who has tried to find happiness outside their M. I wish I could save some heartache for some of you. And, I wish I could speed things up to the happy ever after part of the story.

At times, my words may come across maybe a little strong and not what the LBS wants to hear when they first arrive. Just know I have a special place in my heart for all of you, and pray for your MR.
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It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!