Mona - I really don't have Plan B yet. Part of the problem is I'm still gasping for air most days. I need to get some resolution on what is going on with my heart, first. It's frustrating, because I know I need to be working on a plan, but I don't know what I will be able to do.
I do need to go file for Social Security, as much as I hate it. It takes forever to go through, and if the damage to my heart this time is so bad that I will never be able to work more than part-time, I'll need the supplemental help.
I am kind of slipping back down the rubbish heap. I'm glad I've got you here to motivate me into moving back up..get out of that pit! My adult children are giving me some trouble. They're ready for me to move on, stop being sad, do something...I would love to. I can't breathe!
People really don't understand. I have no money - I can't move. I don't have my car - H won't get it out of the shop. My L is trying, but emer hearing isn't until Jan 6. It's so hard not to get depressed. I'm fighting it, promise.
Who am I? This weak, scared, timid little mouse? I don't know myself these days.
Is there not a story of a mouse who tames a Lion Ancaire? I remember vaguely from childhood.
You may feel timid, and scared and I am assuming small. But you are only that today because you are feeling vulnerable and powerless over your sitch.
As you said one thing at a time, what can you influence? what do you have control over? You and I, we share this journey of vulnerability. It is one planned task at a time.
Who are you? You are a woman who manages a heart problem You are the mother of beautiful children - whom you have raised to be worried about their mum. You are the grandmother to a beautiful new grand-daughter You are a woman who when able offers light and love to others in great pain You are a woman who has an lust for life and the future. You are................. whoever you say who you are and it may change tomorrow.
So today you feel like a timid mouse, potentially tomorrow you are the Lion.
Hang in there Ancaire. You are more powerful than you know. You just need to readjust your Sparkle.
I am walking beside you because I feel small and alone too.
Mouse? Not what I see. Yeah, it's the time of year where everybody should be uber happy and you're gonna get down. The key is to fill in the void as much as possible with 'stuff'. It doesn't have to be GAL; read a book, walk etc.
Personally, any many who threatens abuse to a woman, either physical or verbal isn't a man, but a mouse himself. You're no mouse.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Chin up Ancaire. You are an awesome person. Just going through a horrible patch, but keep looking for the light at the other end of the tunnel. You're a strong, caring, loving person. Don't forget that.
Like Jelly said, you are so much more than this sitch.
Have a great day!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Your car is in the shop yet WH came and demanded you move immediately?
He knows you can't so he deliberately tantrum. He deliberately put you under stress. This is control. Further he turns up at 6 am.
You have heart troubles so this is not good.
I don't like it at all, so I am relieved your L is being strong, this could be so much worse if she wasn't.
Please rest as much as you can, and heal.
I am relieved you are not on your own at nights.
I don't care about jobs or anything fin like. I care about you and your health. I care that you have peace. I care that the stress stops. I care that you have resolution.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/16/1507:13 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I'm thinking, promise. I suppose so much of my future hinges on what the cardiologist says. My heart seems to be settling down a bit on its own - but then again, I haven't laid eyes on H in two days, so I've had no reason to be stressed.
I think the first, realistic step I can take in direction of a plan B is to try and take a walk. I haven't been able to manage that - but like I said, my heart is settling down a bit and breathing is easier with it. I was up to 3 miles, but I'd be happy to get around the block without fainting.
One thing that worries me is when I was at the job interview, it was going great; but then I was asked if I could work longer hours at first to get up to speed. I had to be honest at that point. I said that I could, but I would have to have access to seating due to the heart problems. I was working with a cardiologist, and it's going to be fixed, but if they got me in before that, they needed to know I was going to have to take breaks. The interviewer indicated it wasn't a problem, but I have to wonder...
In any case, I don't feel good about going on interviews right now knowing that I can't do anything for more than 30 minutes before requiring a rest. I suppose I just need to keep my skills sharp by practicing here at home until I get to a point of resolution.
You know what really sux? The other day, when H came in here full of threats and lovely name-calling (f'ing c*nt seems to be his favorite) my heart started to slam. It really hurts when it does that, so I grabbed my chest. It's kind of a reflexive move - I wasn't even aware I was doing it. He started mocking me. "Oh, no! Your heart! What if you die?"
He might as well have kicked me. Or slapped me in the face. This man, that I loved with all my heart, devoted so many years of my life to....simply doesn't care if I live or die. I'm sitting here sobbing again, darn it! I cannot think of a single thing I've done that would have caused him to hate me like this. He knows the problem is real. He keeps saying I'm so strong I'll live forever. When he does things like that, I don't care if I live another minute.
No one can tell me "why", I know. I just needed to share my pain.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
You know what really sux? The other day, when H came in here full of threats and lovely name-calling (f'ing c*nt seems to be his favorite) my heart started to slam. It really hurts when it does that, so I grabbed my chest. It's kind of a reflexive move - I wasn't even aware I was doing it. He started mocking me. "Oh, no! Your heart! What if you die?"
As a man, after reading this, I feel ashamed. In my profession I deal with the scum of the hearth. I have personally been threatened and insulted. My mentor taught me this after some "friend" threw him a shoe: I am not offended by those who try to. I only get offended by those I let. Please, don't let that happen. Think about those who love, respect and think about you. These are the ones who deserve your thoughts and heart.
Me43 W39 M 12y,T 15y S09,S07 Bomb Jun14 Sleeping separately Jan/Mar15 Share bed Mar/May15 Reconcile Jun15 Aug15 W sais D will happen D told to kids Sept15 W moved out with kids 01 October15
