Thank you for kind and supportive words Ancaire. Some of these feelings and thoughts are definite rumination and depression drive. But....I think some of this is also shift. I am frustrated with being feeling less than and I find that it is cage of my own making. Right now this me seeing the whole for the first time and teetering on the edge knowing I have control over doing and feeling and thinking different things.
The emotional sad response to feeling this frustration is old. I haven't quite yet developed a new way of responding to insight like this. Emotional overwhelm is first response and I haven't quite developed the stop response. To stop myself from plunge into to a pool of sadness and overwhelm.
All my queries and questions are valid I think. What is unnessary is the emotional overwhelm associated. I see it in others here struggling with similar responses. I feel I just beat myself up about a little more than most.
I forget that part of me posting about this is a goal and strategy for my change and growth. I tend to isolate, deal with everything on my own, and not ask for help. I tend to avoid my pain by helping and caretaking others. My recent posts are stepping outside of this and doing a 180.
I am finding this challenging exposing my level of crazy. But it feels necessary.
As you can see I have some more perspective and I less emotionally heightened this morning. My postings from yesterday remain true.
I also have reminded myself that my depression is my depression and I my recovery is different to others. I know I am quite an emotive person and prone to dramatic description, so likely I come off a lot crazier than I really am.
I am quite considered and calm person. My despair and worry is limited to myself. Although F.0 recent comments about our feelings leeching out has given my pause. Maybe I am acting out far more than I realise???
