zokasantaptamAnasa

[Vanilla]

V, I'm going to throw out these facts with no dialog about them. Your wisdom will be able to connect the dots.



From previously:

You are getting a lot of support and great advice.

I would like to explore some of the early posts we shared. It has taken a while for me to formulate my thoughts.

In essence we went for the obvious last time, I think we have some tricker stuff to explore.


This work is about you, that is the best thing you can do for you.

You described your R as being a play in four acts, you are now moving into act 5.

Your W may not see the R in the same way.

Let's see if I have this right

1. The loving phase
2. The abusive phase
3. The beat Mutatio up phase
4. The WW breakaway phase

You described these as clearly delineated in your description. I can't see it that way, phase 2 was when WW switched off, and stayed switched off, I think. MWD describes this clearly in her opening chapters of both DR and DB.

There are 4 layers of work to do each layer has its deficits and advantages. This is a wonderful opportunity to atone and rebuild.

Mutatio these layers can be useful to you to start to rebuild yourself, to help you detach and to unravel your own feelings and involvement.

To build love for yourself, so you become confident in yourself. To become.



Easier to be hard on men learned from father, my sisters were not treated this way.

This explains a few things to me. Firstly why you appeased FIL, especially when FIL didn't ask for this in act 1.
I think there is a good chance that quite a lot of your behaviours in acts 1 and 2 stem from the prologue. They stem from your dad putting undue 'hardness' on you.

Incidentally parents like this put a different sort of pressure on daughters which can be equally destructive in my view.

Have you ever discussed this with your siblings? You may find that they are aware of it and it could be insightful.

In which ways was your dad tougher on you?

Did he physically abuse you in any way or was this overt criticism?

Can you give me an example?


Did not achieve my highest potential, father hard on me, I was hard on son till I realized it.

what did you see as your highest potential? How did you not achieve it?

Did you buy his measure of success?

What as an adult is your measure of success?

Well done for breaking the cycle, it's likely your father was mimicking his own father.


Insecure of myself, not smart enough, not good enough, inadequate.

OK so this is self criticism holding yourself to standards that are so unrealistic no one could achieve them.

The great news is that these are beliefs, beliefs which are based on unfounded realisations will crash when challenged with cognitive methods. It is a question of identifying each limiting belief and crashing it logically.

So let's take a belief which says you must pass your school exams 100% score. I doubt if any of your classmates did that.

Suppose another one was that you must be a brilliant sportsman as well, a football jock as well as being 100% on exams.

This I would suspect is your father trying to succeed through you to appease his own father or mother or parent figure.

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Mutatio the worst damage often isn't done by the hyper critical or demanding parent but by the parent who stands by and let's it happen. Your mother's role in this could be very important. If she let your dad criticise you and then either she supported him or appeased you afterwards. That's a poor dynamic indeed.

I have read through your threads again and can't track much about the early interactions with your sisters or mum. This may mean the female role models in your life are seen as insignificant leading to your petulance in act 3.

There is much to read through in your statements and I am still working my way through your earlier posts with the new insights.

It seems that your beliefs go back earlier and are more likely to be found limiting in your progress. It doesn't have to be limiting you if we address them.

Are you currently seeing an IC? If not a CBT based therapist may help you best with limiting beliefs. I think so.

Resolving FOO issues, is likely to cause great shift.

I am still evaluating Mutatio.

Let us identify the beliefs that support the limitations and ask is this reasonable?

For example: Is it reasonable that I had to be a super jock? Was that what I wanted to be?

Is it reasonable that I became a multi millionaire by the age of 25?

What are the values and standards that are important to me?

At the end of my life what will be the measures I hold myself to? Are these realistic?

Do I set myself up with bigger, better targets that I could never achieve? And if I do, then I become more target orientated?

Am I trying to prove myself? Make myself fit? Endlessly trying to prove myself to someone who may never be satisfied?

Do I measure myself on what I achieve other than for who I am?


These are questions that Mutatio is likely to want to explore.

V