I'm thinking, promise. I suppose so much of my future hinges on what the cardiologist says. My heart seems to be settling down a bit on its own - but then again, I haven't laid eyes on H in two days, so I've had no reason to be stressed.
I think the first, realistic step I can take in direction of a plan B is to try and take a walk. I haven't been able to manage that - but like I said, my heart is settling down a bit and breathing is easier with it. I was up to 3 miles, but I'd be happy to get around the block without fainting.
One thing that worries me is when I was at the job interview, it was going great; but then I was asked if I could work longer hours at first to get up to speed. I had to be honest at that point. I said that I could, but I would have to have access to seating due to the heart problems. I was working with a cardiologist, and it's going to be fixed, but if they got me in before that, they needed to know I was going to have to take breaks. The interviewer indicated it wasn't a problem, but I have to wonder...
In any case, I don't feel good about going on interviews right now knowing that I can't do anything for more than 30 minutes before requiring a rest. I suppose I just need to keep my skills sharp by practicing here at home until I get to a point of resolution.
You know what really sux? The other day, when H came in here full of threats and lovely name-calling (f'ing c*nt seems to be his favorite) my heart started to slam. It really hurts when it does that, so I grabbed my chest. It's kind of a reflexive move - I wasn't even aware I was doing it. He started mocking me. "Oh, no! Your heart! What if you die?"
He might as well have kicked me. Or slapped me in the face. This man, that I loved with all my heart, devoted so many years of my life to....simply doesn't care if I live or die. I'm sitting here sobbing again, darn it! I cannot think of a single thing I've done that would have caused him to hate me like this. He knows the problem is real. He keeps saying I'm so strong I'll live forever. When he does things like that, I don't care if I live another minute.
No one can tell me "why", I know. I just needed to share my pain.
