in house S (5)

[vise82]

hey Scidad,

Thanks for the reply. I need to get it straight and I read a post that had the difference between love and smothering that was very helpful. So what I am doing right now is not smothering her. I can see how that could change so easily. I also read that for every year together equals one month of time to pass for healing.

I need to be patient and continue the way I am going. I do need to get back to focusing on me and the kids.

W has texted me today so I have replied back. we have been texting back and forth all day. Mostly about logistics. I have been keeping them no pressure and not needing replies, but she keeps replying.

[sandi2]

I hope you will allow me to use your thread to maybe express more than just this particular subject at hand.

Not smothering her is so very important. Sometimes we say to love them from a distance. I don't know why that some LBH'S get the idea they are required to stop having feelings when they detach, separate, or even divorce. Nobody ever has to stop loving another person. It is usually better for the LBS to love from a healthy distance (whether a few steps, or separate lives).

When I was the WW, I could not stand for my H to hover over me, touch me, or even share the same room. When I made the decision to end the A and stay in my M, I still felt the same way for a while. Honestly, it was quite some time.

LBH's must try to understand, as best as they can, that even after the A ends, she has to gradually get back to being the W she once was. As painful as it must be on the H to know she doesn't want him touching her or to get too close........he needs to remember it is part of her adjustment and getting to where she can heal. She is not able to give him the physical and emotional evidence of loving him, like he longs for her to do. Not at that time. The best physical evidence she can give him is to follow a transparency plan after she sends a letter to OM ending all forms of contact.

Slowly, but surely, she will come around......and so will her feelings for her H........if she has come out of her waywardness. Ending an A does not garantee she'll stay in the M. It is her waywardness that is the true enemy. She did not become wayward overnight and she won't come out of it overnight. Just as it took years for her resentment to slowly build and disrespect became apparent, it will take a significant period of time for her to gain respect for her H. Her H has to find forgiveness for her betrayal (and whatever other hurts she caused in her waywardness). The WW has to find forgiveness for her H, related to all those things that caused the resentment in her heart. We are talking, probably, years of things she has pushed down or that cannot be undone. Things that happened in their past. Perhaps it helped shape the kind of MR they had together. Although the H may not feel she has as much to forgive as he does, it is very difficult for her to let go of the past resentments. I am not saying there are no women who can let go and forgive things in the past; I am just saying that it seems that most females struggle letting go of the resentment that has been there in their hearts for so many years. However, if they really want to heal, they can do it.

We had been M a long time when I had an A. There were decades of resentment. Although I had tried to put it behind me, I realize I had not been able to be free of it. It took about two years of praying and earnestly searching my heart for any left-over hardness. I finally was able to find peace. Let me clarify something. I have a certain sadness about some things, b/c I believe our M would have been much happier and we would have been much closer if my H had not been a passive nice-guy type of man. However, after my own actions of waywardness, it certainly brought me down from any snags of self-righteousness I may have hidden from myself. It helped me to accept the fact that both of us has failed each other. It may have been in different ways, but we each hurt one another. I cannot say his sins were worse an mine. His may have had a longer lasting affect on our MR, but mine were more devastating. Nobody can point a finger without at least one pointing back to themselves.

I appeal to all of you who are so heart broken and desperately want to see some sign that the WW really loves you, or is ready to work on the M, or whatever........to remember what I said about the time it takes for her to process her own sh't and find healing, before she can truly be the W you need and want.

I wish I could talk to every single WW who has tried to find happiness outside their M. I wish I could save some heartache for some of you. And, I wish I could speed things up to the happy ever after part of the story.

At times, my words may come across maybe a little strong and not what the LBS wants to hear when they first arrive. Just know I have a special place in my heart for all of you, and pray for your MR.

[mahhhty]

Vise (and everyone else) - got some good advice today.

[vise82]

Hey Sandi,

thanks for that great post, I needed that right now. I am sure it will help everyone else in some way too.

Yesterday Went to my S7 Christmas concert, W was texting me before about video taping it and I said that the camera needed batteries. She texted back she would pick some up, I said I would take care of it. I found some batteries at home and the camera worked, but during the concert battery light came on. More of the same, she gives me the look like I was an incompetent fool and couldn't do anything right. I don't know why she cant just let it roll off her back. then the camera kept working, It worked till the last song, and she handed me her ipad to get the last part. She did it with no comment or look. I was surprised, she let it go. This is a change in her.

I put the kids to bed and W helped getting the kids ready. After W watched TV but was getting messages on her phone. I took the dog for a walk/run. W was getting frustrated witht he dog and was glad I was taking him out. 45 min later I get back and W asks me to get the gift she bought for the kids out of the trunk to look at. SO I get them she was getting more texts. We were on the couch together and her feet were to the side I move my hand on the couch and she moves her feet away. A sign she needs more time before she wants any touch from me. It was a slightest move away though so not too bad. more of a flinch.

We go to our separate rooms for bed and she talks to me in her room. I go to bad and say good night as I leave her room. Nothing from her. Then I hear another text and an hour later another text.

As you can tell this texting at night is new and has me worried. She has been leaving her phone down stairs for months and last night she had it in the spare bedroom where she sleeps. I will have to watch what happens with that.

This morning W was telling me to watch a movie with the kids because the rented movies need to go back. I asked about the other movie, she said that one has to go back too. Its not a kid movie so I was thinking of asking her today if she wanted to watch it with me tonight before it has to be returned. I will wait till she contacts me first.

I notice how much she spent on gift yesterday. Now I normally just let her get the gifts and I don't see how much is spent. I am not going to say anything right now. I have agreed to her way of spending for Christmas. For the new year a budget is coming out. I can see how much is being spent and it is way beyond my comfort zone. When I grew up we did not celebrate Christmas or birthdays, I rarely got anything new being in a large family. It is all so hard for me to see the value of giving so much to such young kids. I guess its the love language thing.

One day at a time.

[isittoolate]

Hi Vise

You and I seem to be the only sitch without an EA/Pa and also an in house separation.

What are you doing about Xmas gifts and Xmas card for W?

The card is harder as they are all lovey dovey etc

[otw]

all i am doing is asking the kids if they want to get their mother something for xmas. Then asking what they want to get. She knows that they do not have the means to get something on their own, but nothing from me directly.

[isittoolate]

W wants to still do gifts - but less than previous years - normally we spoil each other - W said about 4 each ( instead of 6-8) .im ok with that ,,, It's just the card , I want to give her something but they all start, to my lovely Wife etc, love you etc etc

I'm thinking of writing two: one to Wife and one to Someone Special. Then only give it after I have received one. Which one will depend on what I get.

[vise82]

Hey isittoolate,

I did get her a gift, I am getting her immediate family a gift (MIL,FIL,BIL,BIL fiancée). Kids are getting a gift for W as well. But she doesn't know that I am getting gift for her side of the family. She has already got them all gifts from the kids and asked for me to pay for half.

I am not spending a lot, $25 on each, but they are thoughtful. I am showing her and her family that she would be a fool to leave me.

I am going to give her a Christmas card.
There will be a lottery ticket in it.
And because we are still married, if she wins so do I, Ha ha

I have not heard from W today. not a text or email. Maybe this is her backing off. Maybe I am getting too close for her comfort.
Or she is having a busy day.

Doesn't matter, I will still do what I am doing.

It not a good feeling when you think you might be plan B.

[SciDad]

Holy crap Sandi! Thank you for posting that! I'm going to paste that on my thread for easy reference if you don't mind

[Fogg]

Sandi, great post above.

Vise, think I'm going to have to call you out on something. First, is getting these gifts for her side of the family something you would normally do?

If its not something normal lets look at your intentions, which you already stated. You're buying them gifts to show W and her family shes a fool to leave you.... A gift is not going to show that, you expecting that reaction from them doesn't prove that point either. Several of your recent posts have stated your complaints against how much she is spending for gifts and then you turn around and want to spend extra on her family. Her family that is already getting gifts from the kids that you contributed money to. You're doing something solely to get a reaction and that almost always blows up in peoples faces. Furthermore, you don't agree with her reasons to spend money but justify your own, a bit hypocritical if you ask me.

Don't get me wrong here, I have no issue with getting them gifts if its what you want to do. My issue is doing so you look a certain way(maybe even so W looks bad also) and to get a reaction from W and her family. Maybe this isn't the case at all, idk. Just some food for thought.